How do I get through this? Am I a bad mum?

I don’t want to ramble on, I just have nobody else to speak to and need to get this out somewhere. Im not trying to victimise myself I know I have responsibility here I just feel like the worst person ever.

I am currently back at work full time after having my first child. I would prefer to be with my son but unfortunately during my maternity leave myself and my partner struggled financially and ran up some debt. I feel like the worst mum ever for leaving my son as he isn’t even 1 yet and I just want to be there for those big moments like first steps, first words etc.

My financial position just now is crippling me. I know eventually it’ll be okay once the debt is sorted and I have some savings back behind us. I just want to be able to enjoy time with my son without worrying. I feel this heavy weight on my chest worrying about money and being a crap mum. It’s 22 minutes past 1 and I’m up for work in a few hours and I can’t sleep because I’m so worried and stressed.

I’ve had some dark thoughts and although I know this is irrational I often wonder if my son would be better off without me. Maybe my partner would meet someone else who could be a better mum to our son. I just really don’t know how to go on feeling like this. I never realised how much money worries can impact you until now.

Another thing playing on my mind is that I was abused when I was younger and I feel as if I want to be present 24/7 to protect my son from what I went through. I know again this is irrational but it’s just another thing piling on me.

Thanks for reading this far. I just needed to vent really.

PoetryNEmotion · F

Listen, moms who work feel guilty cause they are not at home. Moms who stay at home feel guilty because they are not working. This is temporary. He knows you are his mom. He knows you love him. Please get some counselling about how you feel including your depressed thoughts and your trauma. Even tslk to a crisis line. If you feel like harming yourself, talk to your family doctor or go to the ER to get evaluated. You are not alone. You have a spouse. A child. And, I am sure, friends And relatives who care about you.