How do you kill yourself when you're too afraid of it?

Here me out all, this happened today my depression kicked in again. it was so bad that I screamed hate and fought with my mum so bad just because she lost one of my jigsa puzzles i worked hard to do. I couldve stopped my self frommfighting her just because of one damn piece missing, but depression kicked in I was hella frustrated, I threw the whole puzzle out and cried a lot. She keeps telling me that I will kill her by giving me heart attck or anything for just a puzzle. I know what I did was bad but Im possessed with frustration and depression. I told her that she doesnt have to worry I will kill myself today and she didnt listen and told me to do it.

I ended up searching whats the best and least painless way to die. Even some people suggest that I will just sleep, I still cant help with being scared. I dont want to live anymore and Im scared to die which is pathetic. How do I embrace death and not be scared at it. I wish I wasnt born my mum knows nothing about my depression and she doesn care. Shes always thinking about her own feelings, while im here dying everyday.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Pinkrainbowkisses · F

That isn't depression.. that's anger. Depression doesn't make you lash out like that.. anger does.

fruitspunch · 36-40, F

they come hand by hand. im depressed for too long, and i dont normally lash anger physically. i just have had enough i want it to stop.

Pinkrainbowkisses · F

@fruitspunch: I've had depression.. it might make you more irritable but depression doesn't just 'kick in' and make you act like that. You need anger management.

BabyLonia · F

i know what you're saying pink, but when you are in a state of depression your tolerance for things is much lower and you lose your temper over things that you wouldn't normally.
Speaking from experience

Pinkrainbowkisses · F

@InOtterWords: Right. You loose your temper.. which is anger that's what I was saying.

BabyLonia · F

@pinkrainbowkisses: but you did say that isn't depression

Pinkrainbowkisses · F

Depression and anger are two different emotions.. at the point that she lashed out is anger, is it not? You don't say I was so depression.. you say I was so angry. Maybe I'm wording it wrong.

fruitspunch · 36-40, F

@pinkrainbowkisses: lets just agree that we are different. we have the same issues but differenf experiences,

BabyLonia · F

@pinkrainbowkisses: speaking for myself, i'd say the anger is a symptom of my depression. I know when I am over-reacting, when I cannot tolerate even the smallest of things. It is not how I normally would react but it is part of the angst, frustration, worthlessness that I feel

fruitspunch · 36-40, F

@InOtterWords: im in the same exact situation. i wish i could tell mum im sorry but im even more down because of what i did.

BabyLonia · F

@fruitspunch: does your mum know you are depressed?
have you seen a doctor?
maybe you can start by asking your mum or sister to come with you to the docs?

fruitspunch · 36-40, F

@InOtterWords: Thanks for this. I never told my family as they would just say i need god or they wouldnt care at all. I havent even told my doctor yet and i know that medication is expensive. As soon as I can manage the money i will undego meds.

BabyLonia · F

@fruitspunch: meds isn't the only thing the doc can offer - there will be support groups and therapy support that you can get - many people don't need meds to get tghhrough depression, but it is perfectly ok if you do