One of my fears is to be too much on people.

I was always secretive as a child, teenager and young adult.
I always feared talking because I was either scared of judgement, comparison, or straight out disregarding my pain.
So even though I put this brave, cheerful façade I had always felt like life is too much, that I'd be better off not existing. I even asked mom when I was 09 or so why don't I go back to her belly?
And of course, internally, things got worse as I grew up.
I never realized that those thoughts were not okay until the couple past years. Perhaps they were the early signs of my Bipolar 2? I kind of regret not seeking help when I noticed things were starting to be wrong. I just carried the weight and moved on.

Now as an adult, I've been diagnosed with these mental illnesses and been prescribed antidepressants (which I am still trying to accept), and still when I talk I feel so reluctant.

A couple people here encourage me to open up, and I did... but it feels like it's wrong. Like I'm being too much. Like people are not supposed to hold this much of my pain on their shoulders.

I have an appointment with a new therapist in a week. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say.

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Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@SomeMichGuy
Actually, it is not about other people but about me. I feel like I am too much, and I'm not sure whether I am really too much or not. It is a feeling, a feeling of weakness and vulnerability and embarrassement (sometimes shame when I admit some of my worst thoughts, and this doesn't happen ofter obviously) that makes me shut up midway.

I am looking forward to my appointment. It scares me, but I'll try doing my best.

Is it worth it to take antidepressants and then go to therapy though? Not sure... I'll just do what I can.

SomeMichGuy · M

@Friendlyperson Turn it around; if someone genuinely takes an interest in you--the real "you", not the mask you present--and they genuinely want to know, haven't they shown that they are at least CANDIDATES for being trusted...?

If they WANT to hear about you, if they "reach out", if they ask...then isn't it ok?

There is nothing shameful about needing a listener to hear you, to listen, to try to understand you and what you are going through...and maybe that's "all" that they do...but it is about you AND about them--it is another type of relationship.

It is ok to be smart, capable, amazing, and have issues which require help. It is not a shameful thing. It's just a fact of where you are right now. Fo what you need to do in order to survive, yes, but also to THRIVE, if possible.

If that means having a few ppl understand you in these cul-de-sacs of your being...perhaps being heard and understood can give you...some relief from feeling that this is your burden, your personal burden, or that it is too shameful for you to speak to others or for them to hear.

We are social animals and we want connection and to be understood, appreciated, etc.

You are part of that big "we" of human-kind.

Be...yourself. I'm sure that's a great start.

Cigarguy101 · M

I've been in therapy for a while now. At first I didn't know what to say either but you'll figure it out. Just give it time, more than one appointment and learn to trust your doctor. It will come soon enough

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Cigarguy101 Thank you for your words, I'm happy you are making progress my friend 🥹

ViciDraco · 41-45, M

The thing about this place is that people have to opt in to read your messages. If it is too much for them then they can just easily not read. In person it can be harder if you aren't good at social queues. With the therapist I would just be honest and start with the fact that you don't know what to say. They probably get that a lot and can probably help in finding a place to start.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@ViciDraco
You are right...
Thank you for your words. 🙏🏼

Strongtea · 22-25, M

Oh gosh, I really hope you start to feel better. It’s totally fine to vent here, people can choose to engage or not so you’re never being too much.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Strongtea Thank you !

Casheyane · 31-35, F

Be honest. Let it out until you feel lighter and braver to allow yourself space to actually breathe and live. Until you realize you do deserve the space you take, and it is not something you need to earn.
Not with the right people anyway.

Lilnonames · F

when you want to open up on here,write it on paper first,and read your answer to whats asked,if it dont feel right dont reply, put that paper to the left,always write it down,if it feels right answer,every week see how your doing,more lefts mean your not opening up,more rights means you are trying and improving

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Lilnonames I didn't get it...
You mean I should write things on paper before posting? 😅

Lilnonames · F

@Friendlyperson yes

Ferise1 · 46-50, M

Are you a cancer zodiac sign?

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Ferise1 No.

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