I Need Advice

I need a little advice...
The mother to my boyfriend’s child is weary about bringing their son around me. I’m all for it. My boyfriend is all for it. We’re planning our future and we want his son to be apart of it. But the mother is already even starting to not let my boyfriend see their kid much either. So besides the fact that he’s going to take her to court at some point, he also wants to get a paternity test. Just to be safe. I just want to know how I can make her feel comfortable with letting me see the little guy. I told him on multiple occasions that I’d bite my tongue around her and be nice even when she’s not when she brings him over for Christmas dinner. And he’s in love with the idea of me being his son’s step mom one day just as I am. But I also want to know if I shouldn’t be too kiss ass with her? Should I tell her how I feel and make her aware that since I’m in my boyfriend’s life, I should be apart of their son’s life too. And make my point clear. Or should I smile and nod, in hopes that she’ll accept me that way too. Either choice, I’m gonna be as nice as expected.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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room101 · 51-55, M

In break-ups involving children, people quite often use those children as a weapon against their former partner. Putting that aside in the hope that this is not the case in your situation, you need to understand that every parent has the right, and the duty, to protect their child in every way. To protect their child from physical and emotional and psychological harm.

So, how does the mother know that you will be in her son's life forever? At some point, she would have believed the she and your boyfriend were forever too. Obviously that didn't work out.

Now, she has to decide if she can allow her child to become emotionally attached to somebody. Only to find that that somebody is no longer there.

Bottom line, you need to give the mother all the time she needs to accept you. And remember, if it were the other way round, if the mother had met somebody who she wanted in her sons life, your boyfriend would be just as reticent about the whole idea as the mother is about you.

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

I understand that completely. I just want her to know where I’m coming from at the least. And then as she forms her opinion of me, I’m only going to respect her wishes as a mother. I can really only hope for the best. And you’re right, we could end up breaking up. and that could affect their son and her opinions on where things should go next. But then again, I really do believe everything happens for a reason even though nothing is set in stone, thank you for the advice! It helps! @room101

room101 · 51-55, M

@hotgirlbummer I hope that I (and the others here who have given you some good advice) have been of help to you and have made this tough dilemma a little easier for you.

You seem like a smart and caring person. I wish you, your boyfriend, his son and the boys mother all the best.

Good luck.

djjohnson · 41-45, M

You can ask her if she wants the father to be involved in the boys life or not. If she does that she needs to accept you since you are a part of his life too. She can’t pick and choose what parts of him to have involved. If she doesn’t then you know she is only trying to use you as an excuse to keep him away from the kid.

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djjohnson · 41-45, M

@hotgirlbummer is wait until he and the mother have things worked out first. Until then if she doesn’t respect him then there is no way she’ll respect you.

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

Okay. Thanks for the advice! It really does help! @djjohnson

djjohnson · 41-45, M

@hotgirlbummer NP! Anytime!

BearDownChicago · 41-45, M

I would take it easy and let things happen naturally. Be friendly but not overly

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

Yeah that’s probably a good thing. Letting things happen naturally is better than rushing it I believe. Thank you! @BearDownChicago

BearDownChicago · 41-45, M

@hotgirlbummer I do what I can. Haven't been in the situation exactly and I'm sure it is harder than it sounds. But I'm keeping good thoughts for you

SW-User

Be honest, express you will be there but don't make a point of it. That's a subtle clue no one can help you with. It may take them time to respect you, you are both young, and some of their doubts on you may be about their son, too. You may not be able to change that quickly; meaning this is where actions may count more.

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

I definitely want her to know that I’ll be there for him.But I’ll be sure not to make a point of it. And yeah, I understand. I just hope she’s not bitter about me. All I could really hope is that she respects me like I’ll respect her. @SW-User

SW-User

@hotgirlbummer I'm sure you will do what you can. Your not in an easy position, and whatever you can do in action I hope reflects well upon you. If you can, only reflect you care and love, not only their son, but his son.

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

Yes. And thank you so much for the advice! @SW-User

RadiantRuby

If your real age group is 18-21, most people that age think the relationship will last forever when I'm fact it won't! Number too if they have a child together then his ex thought they were going to be together forever! Take a step back! Please use protection and don't end up pregnant because your too young and forever is not a promise! Enjoy your life!

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

I understand what you’re saying. And I mean, doesn’t everybody kind of hope that the relationship they’re in currently will be their forever. Yes, I’m 19 and I get what you’re saying completely. Nothing is ever set in stone. Thanks for your advice, honestly, Im really in a good mindset right now, and even if things don’t happen to work out between him and I, at least I can say I tried. Ya know? I use protection and I’m on birth control for sure so I’ve got that covered haha. But again, thank you. I’m trying to enjoy my life every day as it goes! @RadiantRuby

Candice · 46-50, F

You need to be absolutely upfront with this as to what you want as this is a lifetime commitment. If you don’t make it clear now you’re going to greatly regret it later.

Miram · 31-35, F

Be real so she decides for her child based on your truth.

hotgirlbummer · 22-25, F

Yeah, that’s probably the best in addition to what poses said as well! @Miram

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