I Hate Myself

I wish I could not be afraid to be hurt again. But I'm terrified. I don't know how I can deal with all that again. I don't even know if I can. And yeah but when people leave me, I take it really rough. And he knows that. He's already left me once.....

Can I tell you a story? I'll try to keep it short. I've never really done this, but I know you can understand. My mother is a little bit unstable. I guess she loves me, but she never showed it, and there was a lot of abuse. At first, I wondered why she hated me, and I'm not really sure when I finally was convinced that I was worthless. I guess I never wanted to hurt myself but I spent a long time trying to figure out how to disappear without anyone knowing. I imagined that maybe then they would care, maybe someone would look for me, but I didn't really believe it. By the time I left for college, I knew that my mother had some problems, but I still believed everyone would be better off without me around. So I went just over a thousand miles away to school. People were nice to me but I figured it was just because they didn't know me yet.
Then I met this girl. And I love her. I love her like I've never known love before. I trusted her right away because she felt the same way I did, kind of abused and worthless. And I knew it was just going to hurt me because there was no way she needed me as much as I needed her. But in one semester we became best friends. And now that I know what love feels like I wouldn't even mind if she hurt me. So I left college, moved back into my parent's basement until I ship out for the Navy. Lots of reasons, I was out of money. She has a boyfriend and she might marry him after they graduate. But she is still my best friend ever because she taught me what love is. Unconditional, without fear. But it has to be returned to be recognized. For trust to be born and thrive. I think maybe trust isn't so much believing that someone won't hurt you as it is being willing to forgive them when they do.

Please don't slip into the darkness and pain of apathy. People who can survive this pain without losing feeling experience joy and love and all the good things way stronger than anyone else. And it is worth it.

This got way too long. I hope it helps. You wouldn't think that two hurting, broken pieces could combine into something so right. And I still ache missing her, and I still feel worthless sometimes. But I was something to somebody, and I can die happy.

I don't really know you, but I think I feel a part of your pain. And I love you for it. Stay strong. You are worth it. Two hurts can come together to make one giant healing. If you want to talk to me ever you can send me a message. Or ask me anything.

I just wanted to let you know that your story really means a lot to me. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard to please him. We have something really special. And even if he does leave, we'll still have the memories. :)