I Hate Myself

Why do you say that?

@BlueDiver Because I'm sure you're not much worse than most people. Why do you think you don't deserve to be here?

Because I'm broken. Because I'm full of hatred and deep aversion, to the point that they dwarf any other feelings in my heart. Because my compassion is so muzzled that I barely feel it. You're right that I don't do any more harm to others and to the world than most people do. But why should any part of the world want to be a part of me - to connect with me - when I have nothing but coldness to offer?

I don't think that what the [i]world[/i] wants matters, right now. You need to figure out what [i]you[/i] want.
What do you want the world to do for [i]you[/i]? How do [i]you[/i] want to connect with the world? @BlueDiver

I think that at the heart of it, what I want is to feel truly connected to someone or something, to the point where I instinctively create a meaningful part of my self-definition in direct conjunction with that person or thing. Some people take something like skateboarding and dive into it with a passion. Some people write. Some people climb mountains. And I don't mean people who dabble in it - I mean people who truly ARE mountain climbers, or truly ARE writers. It's a part of them in the same way that their foot is a part of them. They feel bound to it.

I have people in my life. I have interests and activities that take up a lot of my free time. But I don't really care about any of them. Not in the way that a mountain climber cares about mountain climbing. I'm not a part of the world, because I don't feel connected or bound to any part of the world.

"It's our connections to others that hold us in this world" - Connor McLeod

I completely get what you're saying. And I think that's what life is about. Finding that purpose. Some people are born, knowing what they want to do, other's have to wait a while and some maybe never find it due to not searching long and hard enough.. I'm obviously no life expert but I think we just need to try more things, experience more, etc., you know? Don't you have a single thing you have interest in?
Like, art, astronomy, archeology, agriculture, business, travel, science, music, a sport? Anything at all? Think about it. If anything gets you even the least bit excited, then try it.. if not, pick one and try it anyway : D

Buy an instrument, buy a camera- learn photography, start an online business, start taking martial arts classes, buy some plants, whatever you have the slightest interest in

I did buy an instrument. Two of them in fact (bought one, borrowed one long-term). Spent hours and hours on them. I tried dedicating myself to a couple of online computer games, I tried taking up hiking - I must have spent a hundred hours on that one... but none of them ever felt anything but hollow. The problem isn't outside of me - it's inside of me. The inner-something that usually drives a person (and a heart) to connect with people and activities has been... twisted into a different, more limited directions for me. And the aversion and hatred that was supposed to be limited into a very narrow direction has been twisted out onto nearly everyone and everything.