Do you feel good about yourself?

I do for the most part. There's always room for improvement, learning and experience.

For most my life I struggled with suicidal thoughts and self harm. I didn't feel like I mattered at all.

What eventually broke me out of it was frustration. I was sick of people telling me there's something wrong with me. I realized I got through my past traumas, all of it, alone. I embraced alone and did brave, kind of outrageous, things that I wanted to do. The process was equal parts pure joy and misery. So I started looking more into what caused my misery. Over half of SW has blocked me or hates me for what I shared on here. But I talked about it. I vented, I ranted, I learned to shove away the people that's got off being mean to me for sharing my feelings. I was accused of being negative and bad energy but I refused to accept that what happened in my life needed to be labeled bad or negative. How could it when it made me who I am. Because in that dark and so called negativity existed a sweetness and truth that deserved to be acknowledged for once.

We survived. And came out sensitive and kind. But with a lot of fears. I face those fears one by one. I still have more to go. But as far as what concerns me and my inner world, I feel good about who I am, considering of course what I've been through. I can't compare myself to someone who has family and friends, or whatever I was/am missing. Nobody should really compare or judge at all because we have no clue what someone has been through or is going through. I try to give that to others and myself too.

I treat myself like a friend, like family. I take 'er easy on myself.

And I don't focus on only the positive and good as if it's the way out of my pain or my past. I allow the darkness it's space. It's not going to go away. And I like it sometimes. It's mischievous and funny and highly intuitive.

I think part of being verbally abused is choking back your instincts. You know to keep it down or else you won't be loved. But that part deserved love too. All of you does.

So I give myself all that love now. My son played and still plays a big role in my healing by simply existing.

I don't like myself enough to develop an ego, therefore not many people like me. People have to read enough into me to see passed the raw, icky parts. Or whatever they see. So I know I'll never be remembered as a well liked person. But some people are right there with me, or at least accept me, it's just a big fear to let someone in. I have to work on that eventually. That's probably one of the few things I don't like about myself. So awkward.

You do little bits at a time. Eventually the diligent hard work produces change. In the end, it feels more real than just trying to make it appear okay.