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SnailTeeth · 36-40
I could've easily been Valedictorian, and I never knew how close I was.
My final year was my best year, but I graduated a year early through summer correspondence.
I didn't really think much about substances. I had one best friend, that's all I really needed.
I wanted to save myself for marriage.
I had a job, I paid my dad rent, I did all the cleaning in the house (no mom around).
And I was a total dork.
I still am.
Funny thing is, my grandparents thought I was stealing their booze.
My family thought that because I'd spend all night with my gf, it meant we were sleeping together.
They wouldn't even let me pay rent to live at home.
Kicked out at 16.
It was absurd.
Not just kicked out, but I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of how dark people can be.
Life's crazy.
Here I was, thinking I'd probably be making 6 figures in my 20's. Hopefully.
And I'm still waiting to make that; 20 years later.
It's not like I haven't worked 80 hour weeks until burnout.
I've come close to 6. I've had good jobs that offered the potential.
But sometimes if life's too good, you don't see your own naivety.
I'm just glad I never went back home. I think it would've been worse if I'd indentured myself.
People are tricky, and what wins is truth inevitably, but it has to come from a place of kindness.
I never knew what kindness truly was, until I had time to myself, for myself.
My final year was my best year, but I graduated a year early through summer correspondence.
I didn't really think much about substances. I had one best friend, that's all I really needed.
I wanted to save myself for marriage.
I had a job, I paid my dad rent, I did all the cleaning in the house (no mom around).
And I was a total dork.
I still am.
Funny thing is, my grandparents thought I was stealing their booze.
My family thought that because I'd spend all night with my gf, it meant we were sleeping together.
They wouldn't even let me pay rent to live at home.
Kicked out at 16.
It was absurd.
Not just kicked out, but I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of how dark people can be.
Life's crazy.
Here I was, thinking I'd probably be making 6 figures in my 20's. Hopefully.
And I'm still waiting to make that; 20 years later.
It's not like I haven't worked 80 hour weeks until burnout.
I've come close to 6. I've had good jobs that offered the potential.
But sometimes if life's too good, you don't see your own naivety.
I'm just glad I never went back home. I think it would've been worse if I'd indentured myself.
People are tricky, and what wins is truth inevitably, but it has to come from a place of kindness.
I never knew what kindness truly was, until I had time to myself, for myself.
WillaKissing · 56-60
@SnailTeeth What a mess to have to deal with, God Bless you for fighting through it and not quitting or giving up on yourself.
I had to deal with a father that provided well for the family, but when it came to discipline, we were beaten until we bled. I stopped that myself at age 16 when I was bigger, stronger, and had mad wrestling and fighting skills. The verbal abuse never stopped until my father died of cancer years later. And I made a successful career for myself as well. Never let someone beat you down has been my motto.
I had to deal with a father that provided well for the family, but when it came to discipline, we were beaten until we bled. I stopped that myself at age 16 when I was bigger, stronger, and had mad wrestling and fighting skills. The verbal abuse never stopped until my father died of cancer years later. And I made a successful career for myself as well. Never let someone beat you down has been my motto.
SnailTeeth · 36-40
@WillaKissing [b]I'm gonna put this part first: As it's the part that came after my initial reaction.[/b]
I appreciate your support, and I hope we all get to our own Heaven, and can all one day just be happy for each other. Or at least just accept discontent for what it is, and let it lie. Not garb ourselves in it. Flagellation is senseless if we just live in a loop of flagellation with no relief or insight.
Appreciate you. Love you.
[i]This part is what I felt, but feelings are more subjective than anything, and I don't rightly know if it's helpful to always express them. This is more through the lens of my own current dilemma/trauma, and might even be considered triggering. It's not meant to be.
I think I wrote this for the person in myself who had their own violent struggles with abusive/controlling parents. My dad abused me before I could really remember, or I could be misremembering. But among my first memories of personal trauma, are many early instances of angry men[/i]
Never let yourself beat yourself down. I don't think fighting solves anything, sorry to say.
I'm not diminishing your bravery, or even condemning your action.
I think it just gives us moments of pride where we know better, and moments of indignity that don't teach us better.
I think words, expression, patience, are really the only ways someone should ever have to defend themselves.
My heart weeps for you, young warrior.
You have fought and overcome to get here.
That you forgot you were now an old man.
And you spent your days fighting and destroying.
Instead of loving, living, laughing, growing.
And now the world is empty.
With only you there.
But there is still time for you to love yourself.
To defiantly express, that love will prevail in the face of all who oppose.
I think sometimes hatred is just us refusing to let a rash heal.
Because we just don't see how we're picking our rash.
I think bad habits befall people, i don't rightly know if there's such thing as a good or bad person.
I just think we sometimes get used to making bad choices, and it's hard to grow out of them, because that requires humility and the pain of guilt.
We get used to being bad, talking bad.
Then being alone, talking to anyone.
When all we really should've done was try to find a kinder, gentler way to make our truth a bridge, Instead of fashioning a pole-arm.
I appreciate your support, and I hope we all get to our own Heaven, and can all one day just be happy for each other. Or at least just accept discontent for what it is, and let it lie. Not garb ourselves in it. Flagellation is senseless if we just live in a loop of flagellation with no relief or insight.
Appreciate you. Love you.
[i]This part is what I felt, but feelings are more subjective than anything, and I don't rightly know if it's helpful to always express them. This is more through the lens of my own current dilemma/trauma, and might even be considered triggering. It's not meant to be.
I think I wrote this for the person in myself who had their own violent struggles with abusive/controlling parents. My dad abused me before I could really remember, or I could be misremembering. But among my first memories of personal trauma, are many early instances of angry men[/i]
Never let yourself beat yourself down. I don't think fighting solves anything, sorry to say.
I'm not diminishing your bravery, or even condemning your action.
I think it just gives us moments of pride where we know better, and moments of indignity that don't teach us better.
I think words, expression, patience, are really the only ways someone should ever have to defend themselves.
My heart weeps for you, young warrior.
You have fought and overcome to get here.
That you forgot you were now an old man.
And you spent your days fighting and destroying.
Instead of loving, living, laughing, growing.
And now the world is empty.
With only you there.
But there is still time for you to love yourself.
To defiantly express, that love will prevail in the face of all who oppose.
I think sometimes hatred is just us refusing to let a rash heal.
Because we just don't see how we're picking our rash.
I think bad habits befall people, i don't rightly know if there's such thing as a good or bad person.
I just think we sometimes get used to making bad choices, and it's hard to grow out of them, because that requires humility and the pain of guilt.
We get used to being bad, talking bad.
Then being alone, talking to anyone.
When all we really should've done was try to find a kinder, gentler way to make our truth a bridge, Instead of fashioning a pole-arm.
SnailTeeth · 36-40
@WillaKissing The thing I notice
Most
About
PTSD
Is that we often try to predict things, as they're happening.
It's hard to turn that off, and overcome that amygdala
fight
flight
response.
And sometimes we only half read things, because we can't reign our anxious guard-dog in, long enough to really hear what is being said.
That's where I was stuck. In myself.
Knowing, while not knowing.
I still don't claim to know.
Most
About
PTSD
Is that we often try to predict things, as they're happening.
It's hard to turn that off, and overcome that amygdala
fight
flight
response.
And sometimes we only half read things, because we can't reign our anxious guard-dog in, long enough to really hear what is being said.
That's where I was stuck. In myself.
Knowing, while not knowing.
I still don't claim to know.
WillaKissing · 56-60
@SnailTeeth My father was raised in Germany as a child in World War Two separated and surviving and proving however he could from age 7 to 14 and immigrated to the US in 1957 when he was 20 years old. He brought and taught all that hate with him. I was raised in the inner city where street gang fights with fist bats knives chains and other weapons being used, gun were not in the 1970 to early 1980's, so those were my only teaching and mentoring's I had. I excelled on the football (American football) field, and the school wrestling mats with that anger becoming a state high school wrestling champion. Though all this rage was in me I did stand up for the weaker and younger kids against my own peers. I hated seeing a person bullied and when I say stand up, I mean putting the abuser down. Any way turned down countless college scholarships and when int the US Army Where combat and combat skills only got sharpen to a fine sharp weapon. I spent 27 years in that field with 12 surgeries from the injuries and was retired medically after two spine surgeries not to be paralyzed from the waist down. Married and divorced in that time period to a terrible wife, but I had a lovely son and daughter in the marriage. Once retired I bought a small timber farm where I live now, and my children came to live with me. I will let that say its own about their mother. I broke that chain of violence and verbal abuse not passing it on to my children. That was the period of my life where I start PTSD counseling and healing my heart and mind. My son followed me into the Army when he was 17 nearly 18 years old. He came back and committed suicide at age 21 and that threw me back into rage and hate, but after a year and a half I found an excellent PTSD counselor at my Veterans Hospital and have over the last year and a half fallen back into peace.
I never had the flight response and honestly. Once in the Army it was always Fight, and pretty much through my childhood and teens years too. But I did not let it lead me into jail or prison ever.
I do love who I am and all that I do and all the folks I love and lost in peace and in and post war including my father. I have a beautiful 21-year-old daughter attending college and all she gets from me is love and praise and support. I love my farm, took on building my own dream home on the farm, I enjoy all sports and activities I used to but more in spectator form now, except hunting and fishing that are passions of mine. Me being a cross dresser though still heterosexual when it comes to romantic things is also a great outlet for me PTSD. I have dyslexia but a high IQ, and with that I remember every violent act from childhood through the military, so drugs and alcohol do not mix well with me, they never have. So, I have my daughter the farm friend's family and my personal hobbies and continued counseling that has made me happy and complete.
So, I turned violence into a controlled career choice, and I put my sword away on 4-22-2011 when I was retired and became a forestry farm and father. I agree words and discussions are a finer way of doing things for sure. No argument there, I wished our damn governmental leaders would do the same.
I never had the flight response and honestly. Once in the Army it was always Fight, and pretty much through my childhood and teens years too. But I did not let it lead me into jail or prison ever.
I do love who I am and all that I do and all the folks I love and lost in peace and in and post war including my father. I have a beautiful 21-year-old daughter attending college and all she gets from me is love and praise and support. I love my farm, took on building my own dream home on the farm, I enjoy all sports and activities I used to but more in spectator form now, except hunting and fishing that are passions of mine. Me being a cross dresser though still heterosexual when it comes to romantic things is also a great outlet for me PTSD. I have dyslexia but a high IQ, and with that I remember every violent act from childhood through the military, so drugs and alcohol do not mix well with me, they never have. So, I have my daughter the farm friend's family and my personal hobbies and continued counseling that has made me happy and complete.
So, I turned violence into a controlled career choice, and I put my sword away on 4-22-2011 when I was retired and became a forestry farm and father. I agree words and discussions are a finer way of doing things for sure. No argument there, I wished our damn governmental leaders would do the same.
SnailTeeth · 36-40
@WillaKissing
I'll never understand why the lesson of not flinching, needs to be taught with a cattleprod.
I think they are sent to war, because if they come back, the old guard think they can rest easier.
I think that's probably why it continues, more than anything.
It might even be a necessary outlet for those who need to give their anger a battlefield in which to breathe.
It sounds like you've always tried to play your cards with honor.
It sounds like you made a difficult decision, before it started making you.
It sounds like you acted quickly, and did your best.
It's hard to turn that off, if even possible.
I would only flee because I didn't want to hurt people. I didn't want to end up in jail.
I didn't want lose to my frustrations, more than I already had.
I'm glad I got a chance to hear some of your story. It was exactly the story I needed to hear.
Thank you.
I'll never understand why the lesson of not flinching, needs to be taught with a cattleprod.
I think they are sent to war, because if they come back, the old guard think they can rest easier.
I think that's probably why it continues, more than anything.
It might even be a necessary outlet for those who need to give their anger a battlefield in which to breathe.
It sounds like you've always tried to play your cards with honor.
It sounds like you made a difficult decision, before it started making you.
It sounds like you acted quickly, and did your best.
It's hard to turn that off, if even possible.
I would only flee because I didn't want to hurt people. I didn't want to end up in jail.
I didn't want lose to my frustrations, more than I already had.
I'm glad I got a chance to hear some of your story. It was exactly the story I needed to hear.
Thank you.
WillaKissing · 56-60
@SnailTeeth Let's say the initial post you made here sparked me into sharing. I know not every child on this earth is blessed with "The Privilege or Loving Home Environments" and that hurts my soul, and what sparked me into sharing on your post.
I just hope someone young sees this and realizes they are not victims, but survivors and survivors get to go on in life making a better path for themselves.
Thank you.
I just hope someone young sees this and realizes they are not victims, but survivors and survivors get to go on in life making a better path for themselves.
Thank you.
SnailTeeth · 36-40
@WillaKissing I hope that we all see the good in ourselves one day.
I hope we all give up the pain we think keeps us.
I hate seeing others in pain.
I have a compulsion to try and fix problems, and an inability to accept when they cannot be fixed (or need not be).
I noticed you seemed kind of down on yourself, and I'm trying to figure out how to be kinder to myself.
So I thought maybe I'd just pick your brain for a while. See what's kickin' in there.
I'm just the gambler. I only need truth and kindness to guide me. Those are the only hole-cards I need.
The table can have the rest.
I hope we all give up the pain we think keeps us.
I hate seeing others in pain.
I have a compulsion to try and fix problems, and an inability to accept when they cannot be fixed (or need not be).
I noticed you seemed kind of down on yourself, and I'm trying to figure out how to be kinder to myself.
So I thought maybe I'd just pick your brain for a while. See what's kickin' in there.
I'm just the gambler. I only need truth and kindness to guide me. Those are the only hole-cards I need.
The table can have the rest.
WillaKissing · 56-60
@SnailTeeth I need the love of God (Everyone choose your own religion or not) truth, kindness, and justice.
I am not down on myself heck I have had a greatly successful career retirement, and fatherly duties accomplished, and I have been blessed enough to make myself into the person I am today.
I have several lifetimes of crap stored in my head of all the terrible things I had to do and experience, and not enough love, compassion, and acceptance returned to me to outweigh the bad. Losing my son on 10-21-2019 to suicide from a career path I had nearly killed me. And I am just recovering and moving forward from that. I started the VA Counseling January of 2022, so it is just a recovery and moving forward process.
I am not down on myself heck I have had a greatly successful career retirement, and fatherly duties accomplished, and I have been blessed enough to make myself into the person I am today.
I have several lifetimes of crap stored in my head of all the terrible things I had to do and experience, and not enough love, compassion, and acceptance returned to me to outweigh the bad. Losing my son on 10-21-2019 to suicide from a career path I had nearly killed me. And I am just recovering and moving forward from that. I started the VA Counseling January of 2022, so it is just a recovery and moving forward process.
SnailTeeth · 36-40
@WillaKissing I misinterpreted it as a resentful acceptance.
It made me think of Olympian Dave Schultz.
Just because you're intelligent in a way that can't immediately be defined, didn't mean you weren't a scientist in your own discipline. Every path begins with a pioneer.
It made me think of Olympian Dave Schultz.
Just because you're intelligent in a way that can't immediately be defined, didn't mean you weren't a scientist in your own discipline. Every path begins with a pioneer.
WillaKissing · 56-60
@SnailTeeth Not resentful in the least, I just took what life gave me at every juncture and turned it into a positive. I do regret losing my son tremendously though.
As far as the military and all that occurred there, I am proud and happy I served without regrets, and that is it. It gets hard when people stop me and say thank you for serving our country when wearing an army hat or shirt or my vehicle license plates. I say thank you humbly and want to move on, I respect their gratitude, but all that flashes in my head are the combat scenes and such right down to the night my son died. And that is when the sadness sinks in and I do not know what to say or how to react from that moment on.
As far as the military and all that occurred there, I am proud and happy I served without regrets, and that is it. It gets hard when people stop me and say thank you for serving our country when wearing an army hat or shirt or my vehicle license plates. I say thank you humbly and want to move on, I respect their gratitude, but all that flashes in my head are the combat scenes and such right down to the night my son died. And that is when the sadness sinks in and I do not know what to say or how to react from that moment on.