Sobriety testRoadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
EmbarrassingIf you're buying something embarrassing at the drug store (like a enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won't think its for you.
I Have Something to SayHey, do you know how to make your spouse go MMMM...MMMMMMMM...MMMMM all night? Duct tape....
I Ride a HarleyWhile riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very...See More »
I Love Stupid JokesJUST FRED - Humor An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer...See More »
I Have Something to SayLast night my wife and I went shopping to Home Depot and we got separated. While looking for her I collided my cart with a younger guy in the electrical aisle I told the younger guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't...See More »
I Have Something to SayMy wife was a little randy last night.... I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took them off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties!" I took all them off. Then she looks at me and said, "I...See More »
I Love Brazilian WomenI once years ago told my sister that I slept with a Brazilian women. My sister said," OMG, you're such a man whore ...how many is a brazillian?"
I Want To Give You Flowers Every DayCame home tonight with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
I Have Something to SayTo the dude who flipped me off in the Starbucks parking lot this morning for honking at him, before taking off like a maniac… You left your breakfast and coffee on top of your car…
I Admire The AmishHow do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?
I Welcome You To Neighborhood WatchMy neighbors say I am a peeping tom. I say I am a highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
I Have Something to SayI really hope I know when I will pass as I plan on eating a bag of un-popped popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I Have Something to SayI asked my wife let's try a different position tonight. She then said, That's a good idea. You do dishes while I sit on the sofa watch TV and fart.
I Have Something to SayHave some fun today at work... Unplug the copier and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!”
I Love Stupid JokesI spent at least half an hour trying to get my wifes bra off. I will never try wearing that again
I Had To FartIt is tough to get old...The only time that my wife screams my name in bed anymore is when I fart in my sleep.
I Want To Cause Some MischiefI was walking past my neighbor's white work van that was covered in dirt, someone had written on it, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van." I just couldn't help myself from writing, " She is... When your at work
I Don't Do StarbucksWell, it seems that I am banned from yet another Starbucks...Standing in line I was just bopping along to a song and the woman I was dancing behind bends over so I could grind it, then I realized she just lost an earring... and that no one else in...See More »
I Don't Like Taking MedicationThe bad news: I took the wrong medication this morning. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.
I Love Helping FriendsA good friend called me last night and I could tell he was shook up. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
