My ex husband said to me that romance is a lie.

He said that to put someone up on a pedestal devalues the entire relationship. To put someone above yourself is foolishness. To provide romance is to lie and make the other person think more of themselves than they do.

I don't know what romance is. Well, I don't know what consistent romance is. I have had those who have done romantic things for me. Back then, it always felt so awkward to receive. I didn't think I deserved that attention or care.

Like, one time, my boyfriend spent time putting sweet little notes all over my apartment when I was at work. Another time, another boyfriend labeled Christmas gifts as "From Beast, To: Beauty". Little things that even after 30 years, I still remember.

I have books in my bookshelf titled, "1001 Ways to be Romantic" and its sequel. It has a lot of good ideas about how to show someone else romance. Of course, it doesn't really do much when you are the one wanting to experience it.

My last boyfriend had zero romantic thoughts. Like none. And that honestly killed it for me. When he didn't even wish me a happy valentine's day because he felt it was too commercial, that was the end. It sounds shallow, I'm sure, to end a relationship on that. But when I have been wanting romance my entire life, that was a deal breaker. Someone who can't even take a moment to do the bare minimum on a day designated nationally for romance...just no.

I can't explain romance. I know it when I see it. When I feel it. And I know it matters a great deal to me. I need it. I need to feel important in a relationship. I need to feel wanted and cherished. I need to feel like that person is happy to see me and wants me around. Those are things I haven't felt in such a long time. Things I need to feel to know I'm in the right place with the right person.

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KarenDuponteDurose · 51-55, F

Your ex is right about not putting the other on a pedestal, it should be reciprocated. My partner tends to put me on that pedestal at times and it's easy to let that get carried away, so I tell her off! Lol!

For romance, we think more 'affection', and that is doing nice things for each other, even if it is opening a door for each other to walk through. Little notes or messages through the day work just as well as flowers and chocolates!

As an example, I messaged my wife to say that I was going home, after a hard day running the school. I got home to a glass of Chards and my bath running.

That, to me, is romance.

Little things. Appreciative things. Don't cost much but mean the world.

🙂

FoxyQueen · 51-55, F

@KarenDuponteDurose I agree that pedestalling isn't a good idea if it completely overtakes the other person. That is not healthy. But there is something to be said for trating your significant other like the most special person in your life.

And I agree. Little things make a big difference!

Nightwings · 31-35, F

I think it's foolish to focus on Valentine's Day being commercialized, rather than how to spend the day with his wife. If he felt so strongly about his principles, he could have done something that didn't cost him anything, like your other ex who hid notes around the apartment. There is a difference between placing someone on a pedestal, and simply making someone feel cherished. Placing someone on a pedestal is to overlook their flaws, and imagine that the person is perfect. Cherishing someone, and showing them that, doesn't put them on a pedestal at all. That man was full of excuses because he was fearful of intimacy, and that is a super valid deal breaker. It's not vain at all, you deserve emotional maturity and open communication, in fact I don't think any relationship without those two thing could last very long for anyone.

FoxyQueen · 51-55, F

@Nightwings I agree. I do understand the commercializing thing, but if he thought that, he should have said something to the effect of he didn't celebrate it before the holiday and we could discuss it before it happened. So while I agree, it also strikes me as the bare minimum. Also, if he couldn't discuss something like that with me, what else was he not going to discuss down the road? It just put me in a place where I didn't feel like I could trust him to be open and honest and I do need that in a relationship. I'm exceptionally open to the ideas and thoughts my partner has and discussing them. I always let that be known up front. So to me, that just stopped things in their tracks.

As you said, emotional maturity and open communication is vital and if it can't be there, that's not a good foundation.

zonavar68 · 56-60, M

I don't know what it is either, so don't stress you are not alone. I have not had a positive relationship since about 2016 and have been single since 2018.

OKWTF2 · 51-55, M

I've given advice before (to younger men) to always be a gentleman and pay attention to the little things.
Open the door, even the car door. Pull their chair out for her, stand slightly when she gets up to go from the table, walk on the side of traffic, if not holding hands offer your arm to hold. Always make sure you do things like that because it will become a part of your character and shows her how much you care about and appreciate her.
Because, you are a guy, you have a penis so i guarentee you will screw up spectacularly at some point in the relationship. But if she knows you always paid attention and did all the little things right, it will help you two get through the bonehead crap you will screw up on.