Husband is putting in the bare minimum, our relationship feels so dead. He hinks I'm crazy for asking for more of him. Advice?

Hmmmmm....ok.....few things spring to mind.

Not too sure what he does for a living but it sounds like you have separate bank accounts...which is fine and dandy....but if there's a bit of a financial disbalance between you that can make people feel slightly inadequate, men especially as they're seen as the main breadwinners.

He can feel that he's getting picked on for negatives and that can bog you down, it really can. It sounds like life is a grind and dwelling (reminding people) of their negatives can make him withdrawn....and that is, in fact, making you more fed up and more liable to show that...and so the cycle goes and goes.

You need to talk...really talk....and, above all, listen! listen to each other. Empathise that you love him and want things to get better....and then devise a plan to have time to yourselves, regularly, and complement each other as and when needed.

Fallen in and out of love? Kind of. Well, never stopped loving each other but my other half was just....hard...upset, frustration and suffering on both sides....we split....got back together, after, like 6 or 7 years, and we'd just grown up a bit more, y'know? Accepting people's faults and failings and spending time talking...and listening....and compromising when needed.

That was over 9 years ago....still happy...have a child together...all is good.

But you need to talk together and to listen...

Best of luck..

SJD xx

Could it be he feels that nothing he does will compare to your income and accomplishments?

Vacations aren't the only things people need to feel useful and appreciated.

You said your husband is introverted right , and your trying to change him to improve your relationship right .
Im introverted myself at times , and everytime i try to be someone im not i get depressed , especially if someone is trying to take me out of myself cause when im introverted at times im very content by myself (at times) .
I was in a relationship and i was introverted in the relationship, and that person unintentionally was trying to change me to improve her life .
I went to college for her .
I went to the other side of the world for her . I even stopped seen some friends for her that were female and i knew them a long time .
Do you know the sad thing about this , she was thinking right that was right for her , not me cause i was introverted and i ended up getting a mental nervous breakdown from the whole lot of it cause i didn't want to go no where and i was very content with what i had .
You reminded me of her cause she wanted me to go to a counsellor as well and i didn't even need one at the time . By the looks of it your a very ambitious woman (i know you have kids now ) but some men don't want all of that stuff to be happy
Its nice to have , don't get me wrong , a lot of money but the news about that is that it won't make you happy or your husband happy as you can see now .
See your after having all of the highs in life possible that you can get from outside worldly things cause you have a lot money .
Buying this and buying that trying to fix things , but happiness is an inside job , not an outside job cause all of the anxieties comes after that or the (lows) on what your having now .
I had 2 brand new cars going back a fee years ago at the one time and i was driven through town thinking they'd make me happy and i wanted to top myself .
I ended up in a pysche ward after a break up , a friend dying at 38 , she's dead 14 years this month and i miss her badly wver since she died cause why she was a great friend ,nothing sexually was involved . Try a counsellor, that might work ,but i dont think it will cause if your trying to change him and going to counsellors and all of that crack you'll make him worse and more unhappy .
If he's introverted, you accept it .
You said he's great helping out and but he never praises you ,by the looks of it your getting insecure for some reason especially if your trying to change him .
You don't have to tell someone you love them all of the times . Its there actions that counts the most , and you said again he's great helping out with everything.
From a mans point of view i think he's doing great if he's like that not chasing after a woman .
He's seens to be very secure in himself .
He's probably secure and introverted .
Usually the loudest are insecure , not the introverted.
I don't know you i could have it all wrong, but by the way you posted your husband seems very content .
Im thinking that your after achieving all of the highs and you can't get no more highs over all of your money and now your on a downer and looking for another high to change your husband to suit yourself to make you feel good .
I'm not being hurtful but you want to see where it's all coming from inside of you .
I got a nervous breakdown from trying to be not introverted. Ill give you that advice and will i tell you at the time what my biggest fear was that i be alone .
14 years on im still alone and im ok with myself , that doesn't mean you have to be alone or get divorced but by the looks of it your trying to change him and your the one make all of the actions trying to change .
THE MONEY . THE CONSELLOR . THE BIKES . THE BEST OF GEAR . You want see inside yourself where all of that is coming from and YOU BE HAPPY THEN WITHOUT CHANGING ANYONE .
The highs can only last . Then theres the depressions and the suffering .
I'm not a counselor but i experienced a lot in my life . See some people think the highs are happiness but the sad thing about that there not , all it is , is another drug . And my last thing ill say , with all of the highs you be on and keeping that up what happens there it clouds your judgement after while .
So if your thinking of getting a divorce and thinking you'd meet the PERFECT PARTNER , think again .
Thats all i say cause by God your the one who'll suffer mentally

Lots of emphasis here on what you pay for - expensive holidays, bike equipment, the babysitter, even the counselor.

Disparity of wealth in a relationship can be hard to navigate especially when it’s on the woman’s side. You seem happy to pay for all kinds of family expenses yet you still want him to get the tab “like a gentleman”. Meanwhile he might be thinking what’s the point?

Maybe you both need to simplify and minimise sometimes. Do something that doesn’t involve spending money.

To me, there is nothing wrong with setting /refreshing expectations in a relationship. This is what you need out of a two way relationship, x, y & Z. Encourage him to have his own list too.

I’ve done it in my marriage. I was feeling the relationship was a one way effort. We talked and I told her that I didn’t feel important enough for her. I was always coming in behind her work, our adult children or other things. We now rotate making plans each week. We share household duties more . We talk about things other than work and kids.

Every relationship is different, it may not work for you. But it has helped us.

If he isn’t talking he may also have some inner struggles going on. It may not be with you, just him personally. If not marriage counseling, then personal counseling , him talking with friends or finding a new outlet (hobby or sport) may help him . Remind him you are there to support him as well if he needs it.

Could it be that both of you are so consumed with expectations of one another and yourselves that you have no time left to just be in love with one another?

So sad to see you wasting your economic fortunes on something other than peace of mind, joy and the opportunities to do things purely because doing them bring you satisfaction and happiness. Likewise so sad to see your husband wasting the opportunity to ascend and be a better man for you.

Setting all expectations aside, do you still feel good about just being together alone? Just holding hands without saying anything? No thoughts about what you will be doing tomorrow or next week? Just being happy to be in one another's company?

I'm sorry to hear this. It made me really sad reading your post.
I'm not a psychologist or counselor, so my input and observations probably aren't worth much.
From what I read, it seems to me that u r killing his ego. U make the money. U pay for this. U pay for that. U take him on lavish vacations and trips. Male ego is very important in a relationship. U take his ego away, u r in essence making him the woman in the relationship.
Why is it not, "we" made this much money? "We" are paying for this trip? Etc....

I'm not saying that it's right for him to feel emasculated, but I think he does. And your success has alot to do with it. I understand he is an introvert, but less "I " and more "we" could help in this situation.

I know u have put forth the effort with the business to put y'alls family in a good position financially. I applaud u for ur efforts. And I know this is not the 1940's when a woman's place was in the home. But historically, the man has been the breadwinner, the head of the household, a leader to the family, spiritual leader of the family, etc....

In my opinion; he's just emasculated and is probably as unhappy as u r.

I hope y'all get things worked out.

I hate to say this.....Get used to it. The honeymoon is long over...Find someone else, and the same things will happen. It's not him; it's not you; it's relationships.

I think you've got a good head on your shoulders, start with your own therapy first. It sounds like you two could stand some couples therapy though to keep working on communication.
I also wonder if he doesn't have some internal stuff going on. Would he be open to also seeing his own counselor if he is indicating he's unhappy and life is just 'going through the motions'.
Bottom line, you have recognized you are unfulfilled right now. You're taking steps to work through that and that's all you can do. You'll figure out what you need to do next 🤗🍀

This is very relatable to me and many of the women I met through school or work. I wish I knew the answer. It’s a funny thing when you can bring in all the money and stuff that you thought would bring you closer together and make family life easier yet it just keeps driving you both further apart. I’m not sure if you are familiar with Esther Perel’s work?
The questions you’ve asked are all things I’ve asked myself many times.

Similar to my relationship. Now we live together like brother and sister after all I have done for her and all the things I have paid for. I tried and tried....just isn't worth it anymore.
Some spouses get too comfortable in their relationship and have no ambition to make is better or even just get along.
If I didn't have grandchildren I would probably be divorced now. But I stay together for the family. We both just live our own lives...even sleep in separate bedrooms.

A small suggestion. Keeping separate bank accounts is fine but you could also have a joint account for everyday expenses then he could be the one who pays the restaurant tab if that is an issue.

At another level, maybe regard your business as a separate entity. Imagine you are simply employed by Acme Roofing at a regular salary and occasionally the business gives you a bonus.

The problem is you are not letting him be the man of the house.

Two alpha dogs in the same kennel might be the issue. Kids are stressful too. It might be that he's looking for something that you're unwilling to give. If you want this to work out you're going to have to suck it up and try to fulfill his fantasies. Have fun doing things together with no kids around. To start with, Give him a massage.

I was expecting people to be negative on this, but honestly I got a ton of positive feedback and advice. This platform outbeats reddit any day. Grateful for yall, this really cheered me up and made me feel encouraged to work on our relationship in a few different ways,

You have to give some space and see what gives? You’re working wayyy too hard and he’s doing the minimum.

These are really tough things. I’d be happy to talk with you if you want. Send me a PM.

Sounds like he’s sabotaging the relationship so that he can leave.

Hope this all works out well..

You sound like a great wife. He has a low sex drive and your success is making him feel emasculated. Opposite situation for me…hope you guys can work it out.

🌷