I’m a 28 year old woman with almost zero friends. This is my story.
I felt like sharing some of my life experience tonight.
It's interesting that a lot of people feel like women (particularly young women) can't be lonely. If anything, my life has proven to be nothing but evidence to the contrary.
Through my childhood, I was extremely introverted and had underdeveloped social skills even as young as elementary school. I NEVER smiled and other kids thought I was awkward and strange. My jokes weren't funny, my ability to read other people's emotions was nonexistent and I had no friends. Looking back now, I can also see the beginnings of my severe mental health problems that would plague me later in life. Problems like depression, self harm tendencies, low self esteem etc.
I was especially bullied in middle school and it left me with a very cynical attitude towards other people. Most people left me alone when high school came around because everyone thought I was "pretty". My physical attractiveness carried me through high school to the extent that I had romantic relationships despite having no real solid personality at the time. But being in school kept me around people and I did have some regular basis of social interaction. My teachers respected me because I was quiet and got good grades. I had a good enough GPA to get accepted into a good University. So It seemed like I had a lot of things going for me despite a few problems here and there.
But when I got to college, everything really fell apart. I won't dwell on this area of my life because it's a long story. The short of it; is that the pressures of academia deteriorated my mental health, I got into drugs and to escape the suffocating pressure of college, kept myself around a bad crowd of people. Eventually by the age of 22, I dropped out of college, I cut things off with that bad friend group and stopped abusing substances. However I was left utterly alone. At this point I had no friends and hadn't had a serious romantic relationship since the age of 18.
I spent the next two years totally alone until I had the courage to make a Tinder account and met the man whom I would eventually become engaged to. The first six months of our relationship was the happiest I had ever been in my adult life. I was engaged to the love of my life, I became friends with his friends, his family loved me. I seemingly had everything that I ever wanted. Until we had a horrible nightmare of a breakup just over a year into our relationship. In a certain sense, the breakup cost me everything. I lost him and I lost all the friends I made. On top of that, I nearly died in a car accident a few months later. And I've noticed that since the accident my introverted and depressive personality has only gotten more extreme.
That was almost three years ago. So here I am at 28 years old with nearly no friends. Seven years ago while I was in college I met a man on the internet who would become my best friend. We've texted and called each other for the last seven years now and we're very close. He's essentially the one person I have in my life that I can call a "friend". It's interesting because when I tell people that I am alone, single and have only one long term friendship. They act shocked and say things like "But you're so pretty" "But you're so smart"
But of course all of those things are superficial and paper thin traits. None of those aspects that people often prescribe to me can account for my naturally introverted and depressive personality. I never leave my house outside of going to work or having an occasion walk to the park at night. I haven't dated since the big breakup I had years ago. In all honesty I've given up on having a "normal" life. I'm learning to accept the fact that I will likely never be married or have a child (I'm probably too mentally ill to be a mother). Nor do I have any desire to socialize outside the internet or really even change my situation.
I do have hobbies that get me through the day. I still read books and pen poetry on my days off. I have what now must be about a thousand pages of poetry and diaries in my bedroom from across my life. It's a shame that I have nobody to read those pages. A new hobby of mine has been cosplaying at Comic Con. So my life hasn't been totally devoid of events or meaning.
However I am at my most depressed when I dream about what could have been. My journey seemingly had so much promise and yet this is where my road has taken me. In a way, I feel like across my life I have gone through the five stages of grief. And at this point I'm on the final "acceptance" stage.
I don’t quite know If I want to continue living or not. I think about dying every single day. I fantasize about killing myself everyday. But for some reason; perhaps out of guilt…I haven’t yet gone through with it.
If you've read this far. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.
It's interesting that a lot of people feel like women (particularly young women) can't be lonely. If anything, my life has proven to be nothing but evidence to the contrary.
Through my childhood, I was extremely introverted and had underdeveloped social skills even as young as elementary school. I NEVER smiled and other kids thought I was awkward and strange. My jokes weren't funny, my ability to read other people's emotions was nonexistent and I had no friends. Looking back now, I can also see the beginnings of my severe mental health problems that would plague me later in life. Problems like depression, self harm tendencies, low self esteem etc.
I was especially bullied in middle school and it left me with a very cynical attitude towards other people. Most people left me alone when high school came around because everyone thought I was "pretty". My physical attractiveness carried me through high school to the extent that I had romantic relationships despite having no real solid personality at the time. But being in school kept me around people and I did have some regular basis of social interaction. My teachers respected me because I was quiet and got good grades. I had a good enough GPA to get accepted into a good University. So It seemed like I had a lot of things going for me despite a few problems here and there.
But when I got to college, everything really fell apart. I won't dwell on this area of my life because it's a long story. The short of it; is that the pressures of academia deteriorated my mental health, I got into drugs and to escape the suffocating pressure of college, kept myself around a bad crowd of people. Eventually by the age of 22, I dropped out of college, I cut things off with that bad friend group and stopped abusing substances. However I was left utterly alone. At this point I had no friends and hadn't had a serious romantic relationship since the age of 18.
I spent the next two years totally alone until I had the courage to make a Tinder account and met the man whom I would eventually become engaged to. The first six months of our relationship was the happiest I had ever been in my adult life. I was engaged to the love of my life, I became friends with his friends, his family loved me. I seemingly had everything that I ever wanted. Until we had a horrible nightmare of a breakup just over a year into our relationship. In a certain sense, the breakup cost me everything. I lost him and I lost all the friends I made. On top of that, I nearly died in a car accident a few months later. And I've noticed that since the accident my introverted and depressive personality has only gotten more extreme.
That was almost three years ago. So here I am at 28 years old with nearly no friends. Seven years ago while I was in college I met a man on the internet who would become my best friend. We've texted and called each other for the last seven years now and we're very close. He's essentially the one person I have in my life that I can call a "friend". It's interesting because when I tell people that I am alone, single and have only one long term friendship. They act shocked and say things like "But you're so pretty" "But you're so smart"
But of course all of those things are superficial and paper thin traits. None of those aspects that people often prescribe to me can account for my naturally introverted and depressive personality. I never leave my house outside of going to work or having an occasion walk to the park at night. I haven't dated since the big breakup I had years ago. In all honesty I've given up on having a "normal" life. I'm learning to accept the fact that I will likely never be married or have a child (I'm probably too mentally ill to be a mother). Nor do I have any desire to socialize outside the internet or really even change my situation.
I do have hobbies that get me through the day. I still read books and pen poetry on my days off. I have what now must be about a thousand pages of poetry and diaries in my bedroom from across my life. It's a shame that I have nobody to read those pages. A new hobby of mine has been cosplaying at Comic Con. So my life hasn't been totally devoid of events or meaning.
However I am at my most depressed when I dream about what could have been. My journey seemingly had so much promise and yet this is where my road has taken me. In a way, I feel like across my life I have gone through the five stages of grief. And at this point I'm on the final "acceptance" stage.
I don’t quite know If I want to continue living or not. I think about dying every single day. I fantasize about killing myself everyday. But for some reason; perhaps out of guilt…I haven’t yet gone through with it.
If you've read this far. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.
