What's a smooth way to start talking to a girl without making it weird?

Hey everyone,
I'm reaching out to ask for some advice. I live in a pretty small village somewhere in Europe. Last summer, I spotted a beautiful girl at an event in our village. When the opportunity came, I didn’t hesitate and went to talk to her — we chatted for a bit, though it really only lasted a few minutes. My communication with girls wasn’t the best at the time (and honestly, it’s still not great when I’m talking to someone I really like), so it didn’t go anywhere. Later, I found out she had a boyfriend back then, so I didn’t dwell on it too much.

Since then, I’ve worked on myself — I used to be quite skinny, but that’s changed. I started working out, gained some weight and I’ve even received a few nice compliments from girls about my physique, which made me really happy.

I’ve seen this girl a few times since then at the gym I go to. Each time, it’s only been a quick “hi.” Maybe I’m just imagining things but during our first encounter at the gym, I noticed her looking at me multiple times - and I’m talking about glances that lasted several seconds, not just the usual quick looks.

I know her name and I’ve been thinking about messaging her on Facebook. The thing is, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.

I have no clue if she’s currently in a relationship and if she is, I don’t want to come across as weird or end up wasting a potential opportunity. What would you suggest — how should I approach this?

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

Well, Stew it's all about expectations (yours not hers), moderation, and focus. You need to keep your expectations in realism and not drift into fantasy. Take things one step at a time, treat each step as a training exercise, and remember even if you crash and burn, you can pull lessons from your training practise for the next time. In other words, regardless of the outcome, there is no failure. So, properly set your expectations and match your behaviour accordingly.

It's easy to get caught up in the thrill of the introduction. Some glances back and forth, a casual hi, a competition smile. The potential is exciting and it's easy to confuse fantasy for reality. Do enjoy the thrill that comes from the introduction; it's fun. But, introductions don't go very far in relationship terms and they are literally easy-come, easy-go. So, moderate your feelings and favour balance.

There is a tendency to focus on that one girl who has caught your eye and put all your attention there... with her. Certainly, don't give up on her, but don't stop with her. Take a broad-based view of your environment (the gym) and apply "your training" across a wider range of opportunities all at once. If one, including your main focus, doesn't work out, you will have more percolating. It may seem a bit crass, but it's mostly a game of numbers. And if your main focus does work out, the practice you gain from working the field will come into use as you move the introduction into a relationship. So, keep your focus and expand beyond your spot in the centre.

Well, that's been me. I hope you have a good rest of your day and a strong gym workout.