How do I stop being scared?

A little bit of background before I pose my question.

I am a gay woman, happily engaged to a beautiful woman. We have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. I met her in Dec 2017 and got engaged. We live in two different countries -- tons of paperwork/ visa policies have been successful in keeping us apart. I am out, she is not. We don't have a support system to speak of -- my friends don't approve of my relationship choices, my sister has been on the fence and my parents pretend like I never came out to them.

I am happy. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found her. I know how devoted she is to me and I love her with all my heart. But I am a practical person and she's more emotional. I fall really short when it comes to understanding her emotions and mood swings, etc. I also have been a bad relationship before where I failed catastrophically.

We're trying a knot soon and I cannot think of a single person who will show up and bless us whole heartedly on our wedding day. Sad as that sounds, what terrifies me is what if I am not able to keep her safe and fulfill her emotional needs?

What do I do? It's not that I don't listen but I am also a person who had learnt it the hard way to let go of baggage and let go of grudges which she can't seem to do. How can I stop being rational and be more considerate towards her? Any ideas?

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SW-User

Sometimes when your the rational person in the relationship, you need to choose to do things their way rather than say, we need to to it this way as it's more logical. Sure it might be but I was in a relationship for 22 years and empathy and respecting the others feelings is really important especially in keeping the relationship feeling equal. So try and listen to her feelings and see where she's coming from.

Also congratulations on your forthcoming wedding, it doesn't matter who attends as long as it's you both. At least you'll know who your real friends are.

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SW-User

@Appu47 My wife used to have mood swings too. In the beginning just cuddling her worked and made her feel secure. It wasn't about talking or saying anything in particular. But later she changed and wanted to be left alone when she went through this. This part I struggled with as I wanted to help her but felt isolated and didn't know what to do. So hopefully in your case just being with her will help and you won't have to say anything, because usually these mood swings aren't logical so providing a logical discussion will probably only cause stress. Butt as logical people we want to fix everything but I learned that in a relationship, if your partner is the emotional type then it's not about fixing it's about understanding and empathy and often knowing when not to say anything.

Appu47 · 36-40, F

Yup. Makes sense. I am the leave-me-alone type. I sort it out on my own, just need a little alone time. She needs me to be around and how long could you say nothing on the phone or a video call? So, I try saying something helpful and next thing you know, we're fighting. But yes.i just have to get into the groove and see what she needs and be there for her.

SW-User

@Appu47 I think you have the right idea and also if your relationship has survived this long online and through video calls etc it should be easier in real life. The fact that you want the relationship to work and seem so considerate of your partners feelings sounds to me like you'll both make it work. Good luck with your new lives together :)

Montanaman · M

Best advice I can give you is to take things day by day, and no matter what, always love and support each other. Keep talking and loving and Make good friends for your support network. Never let outsiders come between you. Live, love, laugh. 💕💕

Appu47 · 36-40, F

@Montanaman, you're amazing. Thank you for your kind words :)

Montanaman · M

@Appu47 always. You're so welcome. I'm a caring person. It's just who I am.💕

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

until you've spent time living together and get a handle on day to day life how can you even contemplate ethereal stuff like this ?

Nobody knows how they'll cope with a partners troubles until they get to see how those troubles affect them.

JennyACTII · 26-30

Love is all that matters. Well at first it seems to be really hard but at the end, your love will make a way to settle everything.

Don't bother yourself from those kind thoughts because that can really cause a lot of pain to you and your partner. This can also affect the way how you treat her if you are worrying about it. Just think that you love her and that all the matters.. ^_^

Be positive! That's the only answer.

Appu47 · 36-40, F

@JennyACTII , yes. She's sensitive and she will pick on this. So I am trying to keep a brave face. Positivity has been sort of knocked out me lately, a lot of rough patches, but as long as she's there with me, I keep looking forward to tomorrow.

JennyACTII · 26-30

I think it's not bad at all..When you are already living in one roof, trust me it will be harder. You need to have a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong patience and understanding.

On the end, you'll get tired of it and all your worries and trouble will vanish and you'll just be grateful that you're waking up every morning next to the person you love the most. ^_^

EugenieLaBorgia · F

Don't focus on your doubts...

Appu47 · 36-40, F

@EugenieLaBorgia, I am trying my best :) But sometimes I just cannot seem to figure this one out. She's very important to me and I really don't want to mess this up for either of us. There are a lot of unknowns, you cannot know everything there is to know when you start a marriage but ugh, I can't seem to shake it. What if I am not able to change enough?

Cutiepi23

@Appu47 why should you change I dont think you are both ready for marriage just yet.
Sorry I don't mean to be harsh. I just think you need to sort some emotional things out first.

Appu47 · 36-40, F

@Cutiepi23 , all opinions are welcome. I am the emotional hold up here and I tried therapy for a while but I had to give that up because my work schedule got bizarre. She is the one for me.. so I will do the best I can. Won't be giving up but will take your words into consideration :)

Appu47 · 36-40, F

Very true. As I said, I pushed for us to live together before we got married. Not because I could reconsider my decision at a later time but that I could confidently step up and say my vows to her. I feel unprepared and that scares me every single day.

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