How do I stop being scared?

A little bit of background before I pose my question.

I am a gay woman, happily engaged to a beautiful woman. We have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. I met her in Dec 2017 and got engaged. We live in two different countries -- tons of paperwork/ visa policies have been successful in keeping us apart. I am out, she is not. We don't have a support system to speak of -- my friends don't approve of my relationship choices, my sister has been on the fence and my parents pretend like I never came out to them.

I am happy. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found her. I know how devoted she is to me and I love her with all my heart. But I am a practical person and she's more emotional. I fall really short when it comes to understanding her emotions and mood swings, etc. I also have been a bad relationship before where I failed catastrophically.

We're trying a knot soon and I cannot think of a single person who will show up and bless us whole heartedly on our wedding day. Sad as that sounds, what terrifies me is what if I am not able to keep her safe and fulfill her emotional needs?

What do I do? It's not that I don't listen but I am also a person who had learnt it the hard way to let go of baggage and let go of grudges which she can't seem to do. How can I stop being rational and be more considerate towards her? Any ideas?

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SW-User

Sometimes when your the rational person in the relationship, you need to choose to do things their way rather than say, we need to to it this way as it's more logical. Sure it might be but I was in a relationship for 22 years and empathy and respecting the others feelings is really important especially in keeping the relationship feeling equal. So try and listen to her feelings and see where she's coming from.

Also congratulations on your forthcoming wedding, it doesn't matter who attends as long as it's you both. At least you'll know who your real friends are.

Appu47 · 36-40, F

@SW-User, thank you :). I absolutely agree with you. That is exactly where I keep hitting the wall. I have lived alone for good part of a decade so my people skills are not what they used to be. I have friends and I have no problem understanding their issues. But with her, I seem to strike out every time. I just how no idea how to console her when she has a mood swing. What am I supposed to do or say? Nothing I do seems to work :(

SW-User

@Appu47 My wife used to have mood swings too. In the beginning just cuddling her worked and made her feel secure. It wasn't about talking or saying anything in particular. But later she changed and wanted to be left alone when she went through this. This part I struggled with as I wanted to help her but felt isolated and didn't know what to do. So hopefully in your case just being with her will help and you won't have to say anything, because usually these mood swings aren't logical so providing a logical discussion will probably only cause stress. Butt as logical people we want to fix everything but I learned that in a relationship, if your partner is the emotional type then it's not about fixing it's about understanding and empathy and often knowing when not to say anything.

Appu47 · 36-40, F

Yup. Makes sense. I am the leave-me-alone type. I sort it out on my own, just need a little alone time. She needs me to be around and how long could you say nothing on the phone or a video call? So, I try saying something helpful and next thing you know, we're fighting. But yes.i just have to get into the groove and see what she needs and be there for her.

SW-User

@Appu47 I think you have the right idea and also if your relationship has survived this long online and through video calls etc it should be easier in real life. The fact that you want the relationship to work and seem so considerate of your partners feelings sounds to me like you'll both make it work. Good luck with your new lives together :)