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Bf hiding cheating with passcode

My bf changed him passcode cause he’s cheating I found out and I know this is why he changed his passcode because it’s been the same for the last 8 years. He doesn’t know that I know he changed it. Should I bring it up, let it slide, mention something?

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hartfire

How did you find out that he's cheating?
Is it hearsay or gossip from friends?
Or do you have hard evidence like the smell of her sweat on his body, or you've caught an STD and there's no other way except via him?

Before you decide whether to bring it up, consider the possible outcomes.
a) He admits it.
- You ask him if he used contraception & if so what kind. If no condom you ask her medical history of STDs. He probably won't know, but it will drive home the level of irresponsibility and risk.
- You have an emotional reaction - possibly fear of losing him - and possibly cover that up with an angry and judgemental outburst. At the very least, you now know that you can't trust him to be faithful, although at least he has owned up to the truth - which is a significant and good thing.
or
- You ask him how he feels about her, how serious it is, and whether he prefers to keep seeing her. Then you make a decision whether to stay on knowing that his love and attention is divided, or you decide to split.
- You ask him to choose between you and her, with the proviso that if he chooses you, it will be on the mutual agreement of staying together as a monogamous couple. If he chooses her, you pack your bags, and ask to stay with family or friends until you can find a new share house or place to rent. Or he packs his bags and leaves.

b) He denies it.
- If it's gossip, invite the person who told you to come over and repeat what they said to his face. Regardless of what gets said, double check everything with the relevant person. Sometimes people lie about affairs for reasons of their own - [this happened to me 44 years ago - envy can make some people deceptively nasty and cruel.] Keep talking until the truth comes out.
- If you have hard evidence, then his denial compounds the deceit and validates any distrust you may feel. Few relationships can survive that, so you suffer less in the long run if you end the relationship and leave.

c) He denies it
and it turns out that there was no affair.
Either the gossip lied or misinterpreted something,
or you have misinterpreted what you thought was evidence
but it turned out that there was another explanation which was easy to prove.
In this case, you apologise for having doubted him, and you take a good hard look at what caused you to go snooping in his mobile phone.
If you have feelings of insecurity about yourself or doubts about whether he loves you - talk about these with him. What specific actions cause you to feel loved? Do you like him to ask about your day and listen with empathy and warm feedback? Do you like him to bring you breakfast in bed on the weekends? Would you like him to leave surprise notes and messages of love in unexpected places?... Let him know what you need.

d) If he decides to end it with the other girl, ask him what you could do to help him feel happier and more fulfilled with you.
Make sure it's a list of specific, do-able actions. Take on doing as many of them as you can, but only if it is sincere and brings you equal joy.
Encourage him to be more open about his feelings by listening and validating, never criticizing.
If the problem is over familiarity - add new interests and adventures into the time you spend together. Invent welcome surprises for him.
Look into learning better communication skills, learning them together if possible, but unilaterally if that's the only option. On communication skills, there are many free blogs in Psychology Today and videos online, books in local libraries, and free local practice groups in many areas.

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@hartfire I saw the message right before he changed his passcode and locked me out of his phone. I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner. This girl lives in another state hours away by plane but I still feel this is some type of cheating maybe emotional cheating. He’s done this before but not to this extent and he told me he’d stop but he doesn’t and I’m getting sick of it. I love him but I’m sick of his actions and can’t live with someone like this get married and start a family all while worrying all the time about this man not being faithful to me.

hartfire

@Fifidog From your evidence, it sounds like he's likely to be a serial cheater and isn't happy with just one woman.

It takes time to find a man who prefers to be deeply committed. They definitely do exist.
But a woman's biological clock wears out. The older she is, the greater the risk for fertility, labour and a healthy child.

Since you need monogamy, you're far better off splitting up with him now.
I know it's hard when you still love him, but you'll be saving yourself from far worse agonies further down the track.

Jeephikelove · 46-50, F

If he’s cheating on you kick him to the curb and let crunchy panties have him.

View 2 more replies »

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@Jeephikelove it feels like it for sure

Jeephikelove · 46-50, F

@Fifidog it’s terrible to be dealing with that, especially because the cheater doesn’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@Jeephikelove deep down inside I feel as if he know what he’s doing is wrong and that’s why he’s hiding it from me. If he knew it was right he wouldn’t be hiding it

dale74 · M

Why do you want to stay with a cheater just dump as a**

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@dale74 I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner

dale74 · M

@Fifidog You're dating an a****** And then I guarantee When he gets tired excuse the language f****** you he will dump you. Also when you get to the certain age he will also dump you he is already looking to replace you. But hes not gonna get rid of you till he has some other place to put his d***.

Patientlywaiting · 46-50, FVIP

If you don't trust him then you already know in your heart he's not the guy for you, regardless of the reasons. Cheating in my opinion is really just a symptom of what's wrong and not the actual issue.

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@Patientlywaiting I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner

calicuz · 51-55, M

Just pack your things and leave while he's at work. That'll teach him.

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@calicuz haha that’s what I was thinking something like that. Maybe when we’re in the car in like a parking lot I can go to use his phone to like change the song or check the weather or put the gps on and then when I enter his old passcode and it doesn’t work I can say this is a sign of a cheater and open the car door and run out and go into the nearest store. OR while he’s at work pack the few things he has at my house and drop it off at his house with a note and then tell him to never come back. Let me hear your ideas.

calicuz · 51-55, M

@Fifidog

I wouldn't take his phone, I'd just walk away from him.

ChipmunkErnie · 70-79, M

Or he changed it because he's tired of a nosy, snooping girlfriend?

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@ChipmunkErnie I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner

ChipmunkErnie · 70-79, M

@Fifidog Huh?

Andromedanian · 22-25, M

You mean his phone passcode?

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@Andromedanian yes so I checked his phone right before he changed the passcode and locked me out. I have a feeling he locked his phone cause I looked but he’s also not in the clear cause of what I saw. I have a feeling he locked his phone so I don’t see him flirting with this woman. He locks his phone so I don’t get mad at what I see. I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner

Andromedanian · 22-25, M

@Fifidog I think as bad as this answer may be, it is neither of those possibilities and at the same time both.
I've done it in the past, when I've had really toxic partners who take everything to the extreme, like, girls that get mad at you because you were chatting with your sister and it was actually your sister. That's what I resort to, because it just brings more trouble to the relationship, the more trust you give them, the more they try to control you, not saying you're like that necessarily, just exemplifying.

So, I wouldn't jump to conclusions until you have full confirmation

AtticEscapee · F

You are worse than he is. no wonder he cheats

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@AtticEscapee I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner. Ofcourse I would check the phone I want to know what I’m dealing with so I’m not blindsided.

WhateverWorks · 36-40

🤷🏻‍♀️ Seems like it be better to end things than continue to invest in someone you already know you can’t trust, which means the relationship will be stressful and problematic until eventually the bs gets so bad it ends anyway.

There’s plenty of people out there who don’t cheat. No reason to settle for someone shady.

Fungirlmmm · 51-55, F

No trust equals no relationship. I would have been gone the first time. Think about why you are staying with him. Do you truly love him or do you feel insecure about finding someone else or (gasp) being alone. There is nothing wrong with those things exceot if they keep you in a relationship with a big old lying cheater.

scrood · 31-35

Well low trust people use codes and locks and spy on each other

View 2 more replies »

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@scrood he may not trust me but I also don’t trust him. He is cheating I have proof and I have not yet confronted him. I don’t know what to say. I’m speechless

scrood · 31-35

@Fifidog Yes you need to resolve this -- and it is better to know truthfully he is a cheater and if you want to continue is your choice but there may be more faithful options out there

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@scrood I want someone faithful and loyal

gdon39 · 41-45, M

Does he live with you? I have so many opinions

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@gdon39 let me hear your ideas! He always sleeps over but has his own house. Just has one or two outfits here and his tablet.

Pretzel · 61-69, M

how about just ask him straight out if he's cheating on you

Amyishere · 41-45, F

Have you ever cheated ?

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@Amyishere I’ve never cheated but maybe that’s what he deserves a taste of his own medicine. I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner

Amyishere · 41-45, F

@Fifidog To me cheating is when your married, if not married its not cheating,

This message was deleted by its author.

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@SW-User I consider it that he cheated on me but I want your opinion if you consider this cheating. do you consider it cheating when you know what your doing is wrong cause your in a relationship asking this person on social media when they come to your state to visit sometime they wanna take you on a date cause they think your attractive then you do everything you can to hide it from your partner

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