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Cell phones trigger relationship anxiety

My ex cheated on me and I found out my checking his phone. He told me he cheated because I wasn’t physically fulfilling him. He wanted me to have physical intimacy with him and fall asleep with him but I fall asleep early because I have an early work day and go to bed around 8 or 9pm, whereas he prefers talking on the phone until 3 or 4am and then going to bed. This wouldn’t agree with my cercadian rhythm and I told him if he wanted to fall asleep with me to come to bed at 8pm and he said he’s not gonna do that cause he’s not a prisoner. I don’t think this is a reason to cheat but I understand where he was coming from because he wasn’t making me feel special or loved or desired so I felt as if I couldn’t give myself to him physically because his wandering eyes were everywhere and not set on me. His brother ended up telling him to change his phone passcode so I would not know when he is cheating on me and that’s the day I broke up with him. Fast forward 3 months, and I met this new guy who seems to be respectful. I have been on 3 dates with him so far. So I sometimes wonder if the new guy has something to hide, even though he hasn’t done anything, I don’t trust him (maybe cause I haven’t known him for too long or because of my past). When I see the new guys phone I gulp in my throat a little. Also, I still see my ex at times because he is slowly paying me back some money he owes me, however whenever I see him and I see his phone I get teary and cry a little and feel nauseous and as if I’m loosing control. I’d like advice if anyone else has experience this feeling in a relationship with a certain object. For me, every time I see a cell phone, especially my exes, I feel as if people are hiding things from me or don’t love me or something. Then, I feel as if I’m reliving the feeling I felt when the cheating first happened. Is this some sort of ptsd or trauma that I need to work through or is this normal? Please give me advice on what direction to go in. Thank you in advance.
Infinecho · 31-35, F
What you're experiencing is normal. It's going to be rough for a while. Not only do you need time to heal and time to learn how to trust your current partner, you will start to believe this feeling will ruin your current relationship.

My advice, you should tell your current partner. Let them know that you are still healing and let your feelings out. Tell them it would be helpful if they understood your reason behind wanting to know what they were doing on their phone. Sit next to them... get sneak peeks of what they're doing to ease your mind.

If your current partner has a problem with this, they are not right for you and it will absolutely not work out.

My experience, it has been 4 years after being betrayed (in the same way that you have been betrayed)... I still get a queasy feeling every now and then, when my partner is on the phone and he is on his phone quite a bit for work. At thr beginning of the relationship, he was still talking to other women... and I only knew this because I'd wait for him to pass out drunk and go through his messages (super unhealthy...but I needed to ease my mind). It was nothing serious. I let it go for years and never mentioned it.

About a year goes by and I check again. He was still talking to one of them while I was at work one night (still nothing serious) and finally, after a while I said something to him and asked who she was (in a calm manner). He told me that they had been talking on and off for years and she was married. She was unhappy and would reach out to him to vent every now and then. He was pretty honest about it and I was honest about how it made me feel to know he had talked to her while I was at work. Kinda sketchy.

My trust was then regained because of how honest he was. He didn't even get mad that I knew about her (I had been going through his phone).

It's going to be a bumpy path... make sure that you have a partner that's willing to buckle up. My greatest love goes out to you. The feelings that come along after being betrayed are massively painful. ❤️
TheeRoyalBee · 31-35, F
You need some time to heal. 3 months is not enough. It’s really messed up nowadays but you should come in a relationship with a clear mind, heart, and body. With relationships you have to take your time and get to know someone.especially more than ever before. Cheating has always existed but not on this level (social media/dating sites, apps that hide apps). Know him very well before sleeping with them.that really should be the very last step.

Right now, if you guys are together you have a lot of your self to seriously work on. Communication is key.
@TheeRoyalBee I agree 💯 @Fifidog please take both of your advice into consideration
TheeRoyalBee · 31-35, F
@Fifidog perfect, it’s not official, just enjoy being his friend. Hang out, have a good time bowling and dating. Ask a million questions because you don’t know much about this guy. His interest, hobbies, dream job/vacation, last relationship, parents, culture, foods, embarrassing moments, pets, where has he traveled.

I think it’s nice that he does that (calling to check on you, wants to see you 1/week…,) sure he's interested. Compared to the fools out here…. lol.

About your feelings- you have to understand everyone is different. And he is not your ex. You need that time by yourself to heal over that. To have some quiet time and go over your feelings and make sense of it. Mentally think about somethings.

At this point he is just a friend. I look at it like going out with a girl friend. Would you care if your girl friend’s phone was ringing and she was texting? (Definitely a question)

If you date him anytime soon, have a talk with him about your feelings, say you really like him but you are working on some personal things. You can choose to tell him or ask for more time to tell him. - you can still date officially just tell him you need to go at a slow pace.

How much time you need- it varies no one has a set time. It’s how you feel and when you feel you can give someone a clean fair slate.
TheeRoyalBee · 31-35, F
@brokensadgirl35 I was just reading your advice, yes self love very important Yes 100%
It’s definitely ptsd and trauma you need to work through. I’ve been in your situation before. Not trusting the person and thinking that they have something to hide. My advice is don’t date for a while. Learn to love and appreciate yourself again before you do. Maybe try some kind of therapy. Personally I hate phones and social media for this reason as well. But I’m trying to come to terms with not everyone is going to do these hurtful things. Its difficult though. But just know that you are not alone. Other people have felt the way that you do. Remember to be kind to yourself *hugs*
@Fifidog I’m not sure I have the right answer to that. Again it comes down to communication and honesty. Maybe try talking to the guy about it. If he cares he’ll understand if not he needs to kick rocks. The reply from @TheeRoyalBee was spot on hit the nail right on the head. It’s probably best to take time for yourself to heal until you can trust again
Fifidog · 22-25, F
@brokensadgirl35 I wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust again. I feel as if I have a wall built around me. My ex told me all of the other girls he meets out there have walls built up too.
@Fifidog yep I’d say most people I know have walls built around them as well. It’s hard not to be jaded and guarded after being hurt. Only time will tell if you’ll be able to trust again. Just focus on healing yourself for now
Two things

Firstly, have some respect for this new guy. Has he betrayed you? How can you soil his reputation by yourself and he never even told you anything? 🤷🏾‍♂️
That sounds inspired by fear and his image pays the price for an old cheater. I get that you're trying to be safe and protect yourself from what you fear but you dealt with that already. It isn't fair to this guy to be treated as guilty of something he never did. Don't chase this guy away cuz just imagine that he could be scared of you as if he had some nightmare cheater partner before you as well. Wouldn't you feel violated if he thought of you as something you never did?
This strobgly drives my first point of respecting him till he does something wicked to you. He is clean. Be kind to him.

Second, it is clear that you are in need of time. Time to process, accept, and heal from what occurred. It is painful and I am sorry you went through this. It could have gone better but you tried and he tried. Spend the time and space you need to recover. I want you to know you deserve the space you need. So take it without feeling rushed to fill the void left any previous commitment.

You did good. You did your best. Live strong. You tried. You'll have a brighter future on the way :)
And this will just be another fear to conquer and a memory to share to others so they may learn and you use it for good.

For all you know, this man might just have the phone in his hand that loves, cherishes, and honors you
Rest easy and remember to forgive yourself. 🤗
Steve42 · 56-60, M
People still do relationships?
U shouldn’t have to convince yourself to trust people rather it should be easy. That’s the person for u. Talk about how and why u feel how you do. If they new person is considerate of ur feelings he will find a way to make u feel assured. Out of love n respect.
Muthafukajones · 46-50, M
Being on the same sleep schedule or one that can be compromised is very important in a relationship.
Neoerectus · 51-55, M
His blaming you for his action means you drop him and move on.

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