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Cell phones trigger relationship anxiety

My ex cheated on me and I found out my checking his phone. He told me he cheated because I wasn’t physically fulfilling him. He wanted me to have physical intimacy with him and fall asleep with him but I fall asleep early because I have an early work day and go to bed around 8 or 9pm, whereas he prefers talking on the phone until 3 or 4am and then going to bed. This wouldn’t agree with my cercadian rhythm and I told him if he wanted to fall asleep with me to come to bed at 8pm and he said he’s not gonna do that cause he’s not a prisoner. I don’t think this is a reason to cheat but I understand where he was coming from because he wasn’t making me feel special or loved or desired so I felt as if I couldn’t give myself to him physically because his wandering eyes were everywhere and not set on me. His brother ended up telling him to change his phone passcode so I would not know when he is cheating on me and that’s the day I broke up with him. Fast forward 3 months, and I met this new guy who seems to be respectful. I have been on 3 dates with him so far. So I sometimes wonder if the new guy has something to hide, even though he hasn’t done anything, I don’t trust him (maybe cause I haven’t known him for too long or because of my past). When I see the new guys phone I gulp in my throat a little. Also, I still see my ex at times because he is slowly paying me back some money he owes me, however whenever I see him and I see his phone I get teary and cry a little and feel nauseous and as if I’m loosing control. I’d like advice if anyone else has experience this feeling in a relationship with a certain object. For me, every time I see a cell phone, especially my exes, I feel as if people are hiding things from me or don’t love me or something. Then, I feel as if I’m reliving the feeling I felt when the cheating first happened. Is this some sort of ptsd or trauma that I need to work through or is this normal? Please give me advice on what direction to go in. Thank you in advance.
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DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F
It’s definitely ptsd and trauma you need to work through. I’ve been in your situation before. Not trusting the person and thinking that they have something to hide. My advice is don’t date for a while. Learn to love and appreciate yourself again before you do. Maybe try some kind of therapy. Personally I hate phones and social media for this reason as well. But I’m trying to come to terms with not everyone is going to do these hurtful things. Its difficult though. But just know that you are not alone. Other people have felt the way that you do. Remember to be kind to yourself *hugs*
Fifidog · 26-30, F
@DisarrayedNightshade thanks for being uplifting :) how can I work through it? Do I need to see a therapist or can I do it myself? I’m kind of worried about the new guy asking me soon to be his girlfriend when I just wanna take things slow
DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F
@Fifidog honestly is always best with anyone especially after what you went through. Be upfront with the guy. Tell him you’re not ready for a relationship. Tell him that you need to take it slow and explain to him why. Tell him that you have some things that you need to work through. If he truly cares about you he will understand and if he doesn’t then you don’t deserve him. And as far as therapy it’s completely up to you. There’s online therapy that you can do over the phone or zoom. I always found in person therapy to be the most helpful. So it’s really up to you. Affirmations and mantras can be helpful as well. You are strong you got this 💪
Fifidog · 26-30, F
@DisarrayedNightshade you’re so helpful *hugs* thank you. What would you recommend doing about me crying every time I see his phone. Like I don’t want him to see me crying so I’ll like wipe it away or look away or put my hat down but I know something about the phone bothers me deep down inside and I don’t know how to fix it.
DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F
@Fifidog I’m not sure I have the right answer to that. Again it comes down to communication and honesty. Maybe try talking to the guy about it. If he cares he’ll understand if not he needs to kick rocks. The reply from @TheeRoyalBee was spot on hit the nail right on the head. It’s probably best to take time for yourself to heal until you can trust again
Fifidog · 26-30, F
@DisarrayedNightshade I wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust again. I feel as if I have a wall built around me. My ex told me all of the other girls he meets out there have walls built up too.
DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F
@Fifidog yep I’d say most people I know have walls built around them as well. It’s hard not to be jaded and guarded after being hurt. Only time will tell if you’ll be able to trust again. Just focus on healing yourself for now