Problem with my hubby.

We live with my cognitively disabled brother. He has the mind of a child and doesn’t drive so relies on us to take him places. He has a small yard work job with a former neighbour that he enjoys, and it gives him income and purpose. Sometimes the neighbour will also drive him to her house but she’s on meds right now and can’t drive.

Today my hubby is refusing to take him to do yard work bc he has a personal beef with the husband of the woman my brother is doing yard work for. Early last year The husband was supposed to do some work on our house, but he let us down and ghosted us. he’s a contractor and prob got too busy but didn’t wanna admit it. I’m over it and I don’t care. But my hubby feels that by driving my brother to their house, he’s helping them and he thinks we shouldn’t help them bc they let us down. I told him his personal matters have nothing to do with my brother, who IS the person we are helping. This was a big argument.

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Elisbch · M

I feel bad for you..😕 Husband needs to see it's not all about "him". (imho). Doesn't sound like your counselor had much luck either. (?). I agree with you, very childish behavior. I hope you can find some answers. 🙏🏻🙂

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

Told him exactly that. this isn’t about YOU. stop making it about YOU. It’s narcissistic to take mundane things and make it about YOU. @Elisbch it’s completely absurd!

Elisbch · M

Yeah, you're exactly right.
It is narcissistic. Unfortunately most like that don't see it,.. that it is absurd. I have to agree with you, on the basis of what you've written and talked about in several threads, it would be in your best interest and his for him to get a diagnosis... although, I am aware he doesn't want to. 😕...🙏🏻 I hope that'll somehow change...@DoubleRings

cuddles1266 · 70-79, M

I'm sorry he feels this way. I do hope by this time that he realizes that you are helping your brother and making his life better. It has nothing to do with the adults he works for.

therighttothink50 · 56-60, M

People especially people in business/contractors will eventually let some person down. No need to hold a grudge, especially when it comes to doing an essential good deed for a relative who is mentally challenged.

Your husband is acting like a high school kid.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@therighttothink50 I’m glad I’m not the only one seeing it this way, cause he’s telling me “I think we should ask our counsellor what she thinks!!” Implying here that he’s really convicted that he has a leg to stand on. I said I’d be happy to cause she won’t agree with you! No one above age 12 would!

therighttothink50 · 56-60, M

@DoubleRings Tell your husband, the world today is an imperfect place with many people who let others down every single day.

Doing good for others trumps everything else, especially if it is a family member who through no fault of their own is dependent upon you.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@therighttothink50 I did say approximately that and he told me he felt that the other party would be secretly laughing at us bc we continue to “help them” even though they screwed us over with the house. I said driving him there for yard work has nothing to do with helping them. we aren’t giving them a ride! We are giving my brother a ride!

He doesn’t get it! That’s what scares me about this.

DCarey · 46-50, M

Sounds like you are headed for divorce.

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DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@DCarey it’s crossed my mind many times and we are in counselling over the amount of conflict we’ve had. He hates that we spend money on it but it still doesn’t stop him from these ridiculous thinking patterns.

DCarey · 46-50, M

@DoubleRings I'm sorry you have to go through this.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

Thanks. I honestly think he himself has a lot of mental problems and he won’t admit it. He won’t try to get diagnosed. @DCarey

The funny thing is his brother was in a similar situation (very long story) where his brother was trying to express a beef with my hubby through someone else. Hubby was really upset about it bc he was the very person his brother was angry at and felt the other person was not even involved. The counsellor called this “triangulation” and she tried to tell him how inappropriate it was for his brother to do such a thing to express anger and yet!!!! here he is doing the exact. Same. Thing.

This is also part of what makes me go “what in the actual f&ck are you even talking about??” When he argues about my brother getting a ride.

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

Hubby’s still sulking. Needs to get over it

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@Jenny1234 that’s what I said! Get over it! It happens! And sulking is a very good word for it. I hope the therapist we meet with will say the same cause I’m about done with this sh$t

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

@DoubleRings mine sulks too

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@Jenny1234 well this makes me feel somewhat better but his logic is completely skewed.

candycane · 31-35, F

That's stupid drive your brother because he won't understand only that you won't take him. His only joy in life. Your hubbies the one being the child tho

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

Agree. i told hubby fine! Be angry then! I’ll take him! But your passive aggression is being misdirected and completely inappropriate. He fully expected me to agree that we should both not take him over there. @candycane I was dumbfounded by his stupidity it makes me question who I really married.

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