I see you. Even if my title is invalid... which seems fitting.
I've been sitting here reflecting on my last therapy session and some of the things we discussed. The things I'll do to avoid starting housework. She asked me why I'm so hard on myself. I didn't really have an answer. I guess I thought everyone was because it's all I have ever known.
Back to my childhood we go. I was always alone. Not only did I feel like I had no one, but I also felt like no one had me. I spent my childhood trying to get someone to notice me. I did great in school and excelled at most of the sports I played. It turns out I wasn't a basketball legend in the making. So what got me noticed? The B on my report and the games I didn't start. I was a letdown. I never felt loved, or worthy of love, so I never loved myself.
Fastforward to trying to be a functioning adult. Not much has changed. I've traded school for work and am still an afterthought to my family. But now I've been through some things. Things that have cost others their last breath. But here I am. Why? There has to be a reason because my luck isn't enough to keep me here. These things haven't made me stronger or a better person. They didn't make me a better person or give me a new outlook on life. If anything I've grown harder, and bitter. I've see how unfair life can be.
Maybe I am meant to be a piece of what someone else needs in their life? I pity that person. I've been in survival mode for so long that I can, and do, blow up over the smallest things. I'll slowly break down and erode that innocent loving person until they're a shell of who they once were. That'll be their reward for loving me. It kind of feels like a horrible cycle repeating itself.
Anywho, this isn't a pity party and I'm not looking for sympathy. This is just me jotting down some disorganized thoughts that'll probably get deleted later.
Just know that I see you and I'm proud of you. I know how hard it can be to do even the simple things to take care of yourself, and here you are. I see you, and I'm here for you. 💜
Back to my childhood we go. I was always alone. Not only did I feel like I had no one, but I also felt like no one had me. I spent my childhood trying to get someone to notice me. I did great in school and excelled at most of the sports I played. It turns out I wasn't a basketball legend in the making. So what got me noticed? The B on my report and the games I didn't start. I was a letdown. I never felt loved, or worthy of love, so I never loved myself.
Fastforward to trying to be a functioning adult. Not much has changed. I've traded school for work and am still an afterthought to my family. But now I've been through some things. Things that have cost others their last breath. But here I am. Why? There has to be a reason because my luck isn't enough to keep me here. These things haven't made me stronger or a better person. They didn't make me a better person or give me a new outlook on life. If anything I've grown harder, and bitter. I've see how unfair life can be.
Maybe I am meant to be a piece of what someone else needs in their life? I pity that person. I've been in survival mode for so long that I can, and do, blow up over the smallest things. I'll slowly break down and erode that innocent loving person until they're a shell of who they once were. That'll be their reward for loving me. It kind of feels like a horrible cycle repeating itself.
Anywho, this isn't a pity party and I'm not looking for sympathy. This is just me jotting down some disorganized thoughts that'll probably get deleted later.
Just know that I see you and I'm proud of you. I know how hard it can be to do even the simple things to take care of yourself, and here you are. I see you, and I'm here for you. 💜
