I Want To Write My Random Thoughts And Feelings

I have so many thoughts going through my mind. I am remembering the past. Some things are pretty confusing and I am trying to figure them out. My thoughts keep going back to this place, although it's not really a place, something outside of God. Not better than God, but more like what existed before God. Then I keep thinking about having gone into the future when I was little, except I didn't know that i was actually doing that, I just thought I was watching a movie. I would think to myself, "well if that was me, i wouldn't do it that way, i would do this or that." And then, unknowingly i would actually be going back into the past and changing the future, so every time i would watch that movie again, it would change. So now that i am older and the things going on in my life now that i watched back then, i can remember what i was thinking at the age or ages I was back then. I get so confused, but I keep reminding myself that all this happened because I can't let go of having watched all this before and eventually I realized what I was watching and began to make myself remember everything, and I would remember certain words and phrases or say my fiance's name, so that I can come back to the present because I get so lost in everything that happened in the past and I need to be here. But my mind keeps taking me back to that thing that is before God. I can remember telling myself that I had to go back and change things, and I would think I would have to go back before God, because God put me with those people, so I couldn't trust him because he did that to me. Then I have this feeling like I am the first angel and my fiance was the 2nd angel or visa versa and that my fiance and I were thrown out of Heaven, not because we were bad or because we wanted to be better than God, but because we shared a pure unadulterated love for each other, and God wanted us to be able to experience that love in human form and allowed us to enter bodies, but we would keep choosing the same story, but would be different people in the story as we went through the story several times. We would always forget who we were and wouldn't remember til the end that we were really Angel's. So I made myself remember and I put signs throughout the stories, so the that in the next life I would remember, and every time I would start to go down the wrong path of what happened, either myself or my fiance breaks the thoughts so I can come back to the present. It all seems so crazy that I get so confused and I think I have completely split off and am sitting in a mental hospital somewhere and all this stuff is going on in my mind while I look like I am just zoned out there in the hospital. I keep looking for stuff on the internet to reference my memories and quite surprisingly enough, most of the time I do find references on the internet. I remembered having a nail hammered into my skull when I was little, my parents did that to me because I could lock my brain and they could not go in and out of it and they were trying to find something they thought was in my memories, and by putting the nail in my head, they thought they could get in that way. And if all that doesn't sound crazy enough, I reached up and felt the top of my head and there is a hole on the top of my head. That really freaked me out, because I didn't know if I was just imagining that memory or if it really happened. So feeling it on my head made everything I remember real. Then for some reason i think me and my fiance have made a deal with God, where if we do what he wants, then he will allow us to go back to where we were before he pulled us into heaven. We were without form, there was no time, and we could "just be." Which is something i have always said several times throughout my life, that i wanted to just be. And almost everything that i am remembering, i have made references to earlier in my life, sometimes years before now. Then i think that i did those things to help me remember. Because if I forget by the time I get to the end of my life how can I make God keep his end of the bargain we made???