I Want To Write My Random Thoughts And Feelings

The first time my dad got me pregnant, I was held down by my Aunt Pat, Uncle John, Aunt Barb while Jim Miller gave me a coathanger abortion. The second pregnancy, I was in the back of a car on the floorboard and held down while I went through another coathanger abortion. Then the third time he got me pregnant he hit me so hard in my belly, I lost my baby. They never let me have anything I wanted. I wanted to keep my babies. I used to think about them and think about how old they would be if I got to keep them. My mom would yell at me and tell me that i couldn't keep the baby, I couldn't have my father's child. I didn't know any better. And all this was before I was 12 years old.

I want to name those 3 children and grieve for them, to give me closure and allow me to move forward. I don't know if they were girls or boys but a name is a name and that makes them real, that makes what I went through real, it allows me to quit denying my past, it allows me to face the depravity of the people that raised me. It allows me to see how deeply the damage goes and it allows me to heal the very deepest parts of me that were broken.

I would like to know your thoughts on naming my babies and grieving their loss. Would that be therapeutic or would it be continuing the cycle of dysfunction?

Thanks in advance.