I Have Random Thougths

I see how happy my friend is with her boyfriend and the things they do together and it makes me realize how unhealthy my relationship actually is. They talk so nice about eachother and do cute things constantly together and I’m always made out to be this terrible person by her. I’m always wrong and the way I feel doesn’t really matter because if I actually spoke up and said how I felt she would leave and thats not what i want. I love her but it’s always the same thing and she doesn’t realize what she does because she’s so stuck on how she feels or whatever I have done and we can never move past any of the mistakes I’ve made months ago because she’s so stuck on them. How are we ever gonna fix this if she can’t ever learn to forgive me or anything? I’m trying so hard and it’s just not ever good enough. We will be fine for a few days and then something will trigger and we will fight and then say mean things and ignore each other for hours or longer and I’m so tired of it. I just want us to be how we use to be and I’m honestly starting to think we could never go back to that place we were at. She use to do the cutest things for me like send cute paragraphs and constantly tell me how much I mean to her and stuff and she would post cute things about me and we don’t even follow eachother on anything anymore because we just end up fighting and then blocking eachother and I know you don’t need to follow your significant other on everything but It’s just the little things that matter the most you know? I don’t know what to do anymore I’m tired of fighting and constantly feeling like I’m such a terrible person or like I’m so wrong about so many things when anyone in their right mind would feel the same way. I just needed to vent.