I Want To Write My Random Thoughts And Feelings

Today,

I was sitting here thinking what am I feeling today? The thing that came to me is mixed emotions. So many things are making me happy. I am happy that I know what I want. I am happy that I know what I do not want.

I was doing a meditation and the thing that came to me was I am divorced and I am ok with that. I married for life twice....... but it did not work out. At first I use to think it was my fault but how could it be my fault that me ex would beat me? It wasn't. So then I marry again. YAH! Again for life, I was so in love. I would hear him come in the door after work and I would run to the door, jump on him, my legs stranding him and give him kisses. Until one day he told me to stop doing that. He said that he could not handle that. He wanted for me to give him space. My heart died a little but I understood we all need different things in life. That relationship went exactly like that event, with him slowly telling me to not touch him and let him sleep, to me not getting in his space while we slept, the list went on and on.

Within a year, I was in the guestroom. He was happy with that. I never understood.

So now, what do I want. I would love to end the rest of my life with that special person that gets me. My boyfriend gets me. I love that about our relationship. I want someone that wants to be with me just because. Mind you, we both should have outside interest as in friends or hobbies, but that chance to be with each other and do whatever at times. I want someone that knows who he is. I do not want to fix anyone. I tried that with my last one and it never works.

I want someone that knows how to treat a lady, my boyfriend does. I want someone that enjoys that I love being a woman and I dress the part just about every day. I hope to find someone that loves that I want to dress to please him and of course drive him a little nuts.

I know that I deserve that. I will not settle. I know that soon whatever my path will take will happen. I feel it so deeply.

I use to think it would be with my boyfriend. I felt it to my soul and I still feel that it's possible but, yes there is a but....... I have also learned that these last few months have been tough for me. I always say that in every ordeal/issue there is a learning lesson. I have been trying to figure out what mine is. I think I know what it is now. I just have to learn to start walking in that path. I am not collapsing. I am not destroyed. I am not flying high. I am just still....... I am at peace to know what is meant to be, will be.

So I am happy, I am joyful, I am excited, I am confused. I wish I had the answer like NOW. But I do not so the only question that has to be important to me right now is: "Am I ok with me right now?" and I have to say yes.

All my relationships, I gave of myself in every way. Everyone in my life knows that how unique I am in how I do things, I believe no one can replace me because I am just me. Not that i am bragging because I could not be anyone else.

So how do I feel. I feel lost but also on the right path. I feel happy but also a tad fearful, I feel excited in a good way and that dread kind of excitement. I feel at peace but I also wish I could go shake my world a little.

So for now, I have to just be ok with how I am.