I think there's a huge difference between someones way of processing and someone who over identifies with their problems to the point they remain stuck. I'm not talking about unprocessed trauma but the ones that channel their unhealthy coping mechanisms to birth another problem. When you're on the receiving end of said chronic complainers what they're doing is dyregulating their own nervous system and everyone else's around them. That perpetuates a cycle and a dynamic bigger than themselves.
I don't think human behaviour is black and white so, I wouldn't consider it a privilege. We all have a lot to complain about and there's nothing wrong with that, or in even getting it right, we're all learning. It's no one faults but it is their responsibility. Beyond a certain point, as long as it's being actively worked on, I get it.
@HijabaDabbaDoo this is what was just shown to me by my therapist who is studying EMDR...
What this shows me is that these coping mechanisms, no matter how unhealthy and disruptive/annoying to others to others, are personal and an honest attempt at protecting ourselves.
Since I don't know what someone has been through, who am I to complain and dictate what they say, do or need?
Since I don't know if I'm dealing with someone's true self or this fragment of them who is struggling, who am I to have any opinion?
I think venting online is the one and only place for a lot of people. And most of us that vent aren't after advice or sympathy, we just want to get it out of inside of us. We want to exist even if we're unpleasant.
I used to get picked on for being ugly and I still struggle with going out of the house because I know I'm being looked at and ranked and left out because I don't meet certain standards of appearance that we all know exist.
When I cut people shamed me, told me to kill myself, called me weak. But truth is, I had no other way to cope because I couldn't talk about what I was going through inside. But that was my way to get through without bothering anyone.
So yeah, now I speak. I exist. I push myself and my undesirable parts into the world because I have every right to be here as anyone else.
And yes I do see it as a privilege to complain about complainers. After working with elderly and people with Alzheimer's, I know there's always a reason, but not always a solution. So I STFU and I listen and they calm down completely.
I'm not going to be made to feel wrong anymore. I know what I know because I've lived through it and if nobody can recognize that, if nobody can reach into the truth with me, so be it.
I don't need people who would rather criticize than listen. I don't need people who have love and safety making me feel less than because it's isn't something I have. I don't explain myself to people anymore because I know they don't care. They only care if messes up their "good vibes" and pushes their "boundaries". I see the direction humanity is taking and I can't make anyone understand or care, but I damn sure won't keep my mouth shut when I see someone going through a bad time and being made to feel worse about it. If people truly don't care then they don't need to say anything at all.
@HijabaDabbaDoo It's interesting that you mentioned over identification with problems. I recently discovered that Ive been holding on to old narratives and ways of thinking based on my past. It's easier said than done to let go of ingrained patterns like that, like letting go of hyper-vigilance, over identifying with pain from the past.
What once kept us safe holds us down like a chain that you forgot you were wearing. It's that blind spot where you forgot how else to be. I'm not really sure just how to do the work but if you have any insight I'd love to hear it. Currently focusing on reframing and recognising.
@ScreamingFox The point I'm trying to make is people can complain about what's damaging to them because problems don't manifest in the same way for everyone.
It's not a personal reflection or judgement of you or even what you choose to post or don't.
Or of anyone on SW at all. I've never criticised anyone for sharing parts of their story on here. This is the processing I was referring to.
I'm sorry you've experienced this level of hurt and cruelty. No one should have to go through that.
@HijabaDabbaDoo it's not about me, it's about people being allowed to exist even if they aren't doing so great.
I feel like neither of us is understanding we're making the same point along the way. The point of this post was that people deserve to complain. My issue is with not discussing a certain point but spreading vague distaste for an issue that is very personal. If there's a point, get to it. But don't turn it into a everybody join in and pick fest. That does spread a feeling of, it's not safe here either. And that's not about me, that's about everyone.
@Mordechai definitely easier said than done. I find narrative psychology real helpful and interesting with this. I've briefly touched on this in a someone else's thread.
The idea you're being your brain not a fully integrated body when you're reliving the same narrative.
Like research in memory shows we're not very good at recording the objective facts of our stories but we still use it to make sense of what is happening to us rn and to anticipate what's gonna happen next
Say, there's a bear in a cave. We don't remember what cave just the dangerous things that might hide in dark places.
Stories are an amazing tool to hold on to the meaning of our past experiences. Narrative psychology helps us find where to start and stop the different chapters of our life story and where we draw connections between the negative and positive matters. It avoids skewed perception.
This goes into the different sequences and narratives we tell ourselves, redemption sequence or contamination. Redemption sequences tend to be associated with higher self esteem. You could look deeper into this if you want to.
The underlying thing here is underlying facts don't have to change. Your story is your story. What happened still happened. It's looking at where we draw the chapter breaks in our stories. The way we weave our experiences. You can't control everything but have more say in how you make sense of it.
@ScreamingFox it's vague because we're talking about a general theme. There's no specific matter in hand. Nor was it specific to SW.
I value people a lot and have nothing against them finding their space in the world, that's the hope for all of us but I also recognise when people want to decompress. They're allowed to complain when they're on the receiving end. It's human to. Two things can be true at the same time.
