I’m processing my thoughts

I have a memory of my mom bathing me as a toddler and she pushed me backwards into the water and I couldn’t breathe and when she pulled me back up I was crying. I’m pretty sure my mom almost killed me. She told me she enjoys the thought of hurting kids and she hurt kids when she babysat. I still love her, I just don’t think she loves me. She respected my brothers and not me. She had boundaries with them and not me. She fed them well and barely fed me because she wanted me to stay skinny. I had to sleep in her bed, my brothers didn’t etc. I feel like I was a piece of property to her versus an actual person. I feel like I was the one she targeted and it’s hard not to be angry now. Because I’m old and I’m tired of the triggers.