I Am Trying to Find Happiness

I have had a tricky time finding happiness and purpose. I think a big part of my trouble has come from being a child. Like everyone, I was made by my parents. They gave my life and much of my outlook, and I have tried to cobble the lessons I have learned together into a reasonable life.

I have to live my life for me. I know many people say that and it's almost a cliche, but I really have not lived for me. I have been a child my entire life, and since I'm 35, it's become rather harmful.

I wanted to make my parents proud - but I ended up getting addicted to drugs and involved in that lifestyle (selling drugs and taking them) and I used that to create a social circle around myself. I wanted people to call me and care about me and my activities, and the way I discovered to accomplish this was to sell drugs. In retrospect, I now know, that it wasn't the company I really desired. It was all people being selfish and trying to manipulate me out of my drugs or money - which is really what I was doing as well. I was using the profits that I had earned to manipulate people into liking me. I figured if I bought dinner for people, and we all took drugs together, and had lots of fun - that they would all like me and think quite highly of me.

Well, they certainly will all PRETEND to do so. For a long time, that was good enough. But then I started to change and want more - and I found that every relationship that I wanted to be a deeper one - had a definite bottom - and that was likely all based on the foundation of these "friendships" that I had built.

I quit using drugs and I also quit selling them. During the quitting process, I noticed that I was at least as addicted to the lifestyle and selling the drugs, as I was to taking them. I took a lot of personal effort and used a lot of introspection and I have really done very well with dealing with my drug problems.

However, my drug problems ended up creating many more issues than I had initially expected. For instance, I do not know how to connect with people now. My entire life, I used drugs and "being bad" as a common ground, with which to identify with people and to use as a base for friendship.

But, it isn't friendships you build while using drugs with other druggies. It is acquaintances and those ARE NOT friendships. Now, I am not saying there is nobody that uses drugs that is actually friends with other drug users. I absolutely did make and have some REAL friends, but they are few and far between.

Now, when I think about other people - I worry that they don't have any incentive to WANT to spend time with me. Why would they want to? I'm not rich, and I'm not going to give them drugs, so what do I have that is special? It seems to me that everyone talks, and that's just about my only benefit - good conversation. Well, in this modern world, it seems that conversation is less and less of a popular interest.

I don't know if it's just me, but often when I talk with someone - I can tell they really are not listening. They have identified what they believe the purpose of my sentence is, and they "tune out" to the actual words. They jump to their assumptions, and then begin formulating their response - while I am still talking!

I try very hard to actually LISTEN to people. I do my best to empathize with them and attempt to really see things from their perspective. I have done this for so long now, that I really am imprisoned by it. It has changed me in a very concrete way. I automatically think of others now, and I consider my actions and words much more carefully than I used to do. If I hurt someone's feelings or offend them; it truly bothers me. If I cut someone off in traffic, and it offends them, and I know I was wrong - it will bother me all day. I will think about it again and again and again - and hope he's not wishing the worst upon me.

I think a big reason this is my outlook, because of how I have become a hermit over the past few years. I was originally VERY eager. I was eager to drive to the next state, or buy this or that so I could sell it and profit; and I was always eager to go, go, go.

Well - back to the beginning - when I was young I was very good at not only selling drugs, but at keeping that activity a secret from my parents. Because I was able to become a full-blown heroin addict and dealer, while interacting with them on a pseudo-daily basis - and they never knew - they are unable to trust me now. I tell them I am behaving and doing good things, but they do not truly believe me - despite them wanting to do so. I always get told to "be careful" and my father even said I was "lucky to be alive after how wild I have been after college..." Which is completely misconstrued. If I lived through my adolescence - then I haven't even had a RISK since then! I mean, it was really dangerous when I was young, and if I managed to live through that, it's unlikely my very modest and simple life will "do me in."

But, they cannot believe I am behaving. They were fooled while I was right under their nose, so while I'm way out 1000's of miles away; it just is impossible to believe me. I created that situation by being so sneaky before - it's my own fault.
But, it hurts me. I want my parents to approve of me and like me - but they do not seem to do so.

I quit drugs initially and went back to college and earned my degree - and when things didn't work out; I kinda gave up. I haven't really tried again since, because I'm really unmotivated and I'm having trouble loving myself (to be completely honest.) I don't use drugs still, but it just feels like I'm mired in depression and judgement.

I was never caught by my parents - that makes it worse. Because they always feel I'm just able to keep it a secret. The way they finally heard was because other friends had gotten caught and they told their parents, who told mine. So it was this big circle of hearsay - and I never gave out enough information to prove it without outside help.

So - I have been trying hard to "behave" because I want to make my parents proud. I really have, I don't have any bad activities or anything that I keep a secret from my parents. But, they likely do not assume that as the reality of the situation.
Not only that, but finances have always been kind of hidden in my family. We aren't even really middle class - but my father always wants money to be a secret. When I was young, this was really good for me, because I was able to make lots of money from selling drugs and it wasn't a problem - because nobody ever asked any questions.
Well, my father has a bad habit of allotting respect based on how much money a person has - my mother does this too. Now, while growing up, it was more like I saw EVERYONE get respect, but it was really only people around our town. I grew up in such a small area (300 people) that reputation was of vital importance.

Well, I have always been treated well by my family when I have a pocket full of money. They assume since I have money, I must be doing everything else right. Well - it's been exactly the opposite in my life. So I feel like I have received respect when I have been misbehaving and keeping it secret - but then when I started being honest and open about everything - all of a sudden I became a worthless person.

It hurts because I have put so much effort into becoming a "good man," and that my parents would be proud of my actions and behavior. However, they are not. I quit heroin and went back to college and earned a degree and do they appreciate it? No.... Instead of remembering how I SHOULD have gotten into pharmacy college and become a doctor of pharmacy - instead they only remember I didn't get accepted. They don't remember it's only because the girl in the registrar in 2008 messed up (she didn't stamp a very important form) and then I borrowed (paid for college all by myself by borrowing money, no help from parents) the maximum I could so I could stay an extra year as a post-bac student - just to keep loans in deferment as I transfer from undergraduate to graduate school.
Well, 2009 was when the economy hit the fan - and everyone applied to graduate schools to escape the economy. I was denied and when I asked the schools what I'd have to do to become acceptable - literally all 5 I asked said "Don't do anything, just wait and re-apply. You'll get in, you were right on the line even with the higher requirements."
Well, I only had that one year to try. I could barely pay rent and feed myself, so I wasn't able to pay $2k/month in student loan bills. The result - I can't get more - and I can't pay back what I owe.
I scored over 3.1 core classes gpa (higher otherwise) and scored in the 86%ile in the composite column of the PCAT. I should be wearing a white smock and earning over $100K a year and owning my own house. Instead I live a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and continually trying to convince myself I can make it in this world, and that money isn't the only thing that matters. Yet, if money doesn't matter - what does? Relationships, and family... But, nobody likes you if you're poor. So I guess I'll just have to do without that too.

Oh well, some people can't walk. I'll just enjoy these legs, I guess.

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Local · 51-55, M

Money=Happiness & Respect
This is the wrong thought that your parents lived with and brought you up with.
Having this thought installed by them in your subconscious, you took all measures (right or wrong) to gain money.
It appears that in that age you believed that once having money, respect and acceptance from others will automatically comes.
Now,
You are blessed with a sensitive mind who feel about things.
You are handling it in more positive way in comparison to your parents.
Remember that Happiness does not come from outside. It grows from within you.
Chase just enough money that is necessary for survival.
Stop attempting to make your parents proud or rather any one else proud.
Instead, it is great if you are proud of yourself right now.
Just focus on keeping yourself on the right path (transforming to a positive life) and stop expectations or reduce expectations from others.
You will emerge good in the end,
And remember that money may be helpful in your existence but surely is not the only means to happiness.
Wish you a blessed life.

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

Thanks a ton... However, as you mentioned - it is in my subconscious. So, from my logical perspective, I feel that all of these things are right and I agree with them. However, I worry that I still live in USA. Like it or not, I am currently surrounded by people - all of them judging me, mostly based on fiscal identifiers.
I want them to like me so that I feel accepted. Even further, I hope one day to encounter a girl that likes me and wants to travel through this life together. I feel that without the "motivator" of money, that I always get shifted to the side, when being considered by potential mates. Women (at least to my confused perspective) seem even more driven by financial needs than the rest of the population. Women that I would consider a potential romantic option - seem to disregard me as one. To be fair, I do the same with women I feel are not potentials. For instance, I am unwilling to date someone I meet at the methadone clinic. I want to move forward and not focus on helping someone else move forward, or even have the subject of drugs be such a large on within a household.
I know I have had drug issues. I feel the best way to move onward in life - is to do just that - move on. I feel someone who is actively interested in going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, is not necessarily going to be focusing on living a good and fun life. They are still dealing with the loss of the chemical in their lives.

I want to build life - not continually revisit old mistakes.

Yet, I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I feel like going to college (and I graduated!) was the biggest mistake in my life - including heroin abuse. I feel the student loan debacle and loss of any fiscal future has hamstrung my life and attempts at linking with someone of quality.

Life's tough... Maybe one day I'll get better at it.

Local · 51-55, M

My friend,
You are just at a fast pace.
Slow down a little.
From what you wrote, I see that fiscal betterment is still important in your mind.
Remember that new thought can come or emerge if we throw away the existing ones and make space for them.
Somewhere in this world, there would be a woman best suited for you.
You just have not met here yet.
Even, if I was dating a girl who would be more interested in my wealth than me, I would not have hesitated to let her go.
The first thing you should concentrate on is to make enough money to repay the student loan and to survive.
Your graduation will start helping you once you have done this (trust me).
Once you are out of debt and surviving well, you will have room for the other thoughts and aspects in life and it will be better to think about them at that time.
Think that you are still alive and on a positive path (after what you have been through). This is a great positive sign.
The direction and the steps you take will determine up to 50% about where you will be in future.
If you travel from say Washington to California by road at night, it would be thousands of kilometers, but what you will be able to see are next 100 meters or so in the car headlights.
Travel those next 100 meters right and make sure you are on the right road and you will reach California without knowing or worrying about the path that is yet to come.
Another tip about your future dates, do not discuss your financial problems or position with your partner and assess if she is too interested in discovering them. She should love the inner person (you) first.
So, slow down and take things step at a time and do not worry too much about end results.
Wish you a blessed life.

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

I agree with you, in spirit. However, in practice, I feel this doesn't work well. If people were honest and straightforward with their motivations and desires - this would likely work quite well. However, people are sneaky and manipulative.
For instance, I have THOUGHT I had amazingly loyal friends. I made huge sacrifices for them, in order to improve their lives and opportunities. Yet, when the time came when they could return the favors - guess what didn't happen?

I literally have a friend that is younger than me, and I helped him find many jobs, make many friends, have loads of fun, be pseudo popular, and on top of all of that - I found his career and bribed his future boss to give him a chance - when he didn't really deserve one. All he was doing was watching battle star galactica on the couch and smoking weed; after he graduated college.

Well... I bribed this guy a few grand to give him a really good chance. He did, and my friend only had 1 year in the 7 since that he made less than $100K, and it was likely double that for half the time.

Did he even ever return the bribe amount? Nope - despite all these comments about how "he'd be so thankful and make sure to return the favor - IF SOMEHOW this crazy huge one managed to work out."
Well - I barely ever hear from this guy anymore. I almost have removed him from my phone multiple times because he irritates me by not being a caring person anymore.
And what does he have? Everything, so it seems. He isn't a good looking or a charismatic guy (one of the reasons I befriended him - I felt badly) but he has a beautiful girlfriend who would love to end up being his wife. He has multiple real estate properties and brand new cars, all without any loans.

I wouldn't mind - IF people assessed things correctly. But people do not look at him, and then look at me; and decide that I was wronged and that I'm really the nicer and more capable person. Instead they look at the things each of us controls, or owns, and they make their decisions of the person's worth based upon that information.

This is such a powerful thing that everyone does it. My parents do this, despite saying they do not. Here is an example... My father saw my old roommate while we were still in college. He only saw him for a short amount of time and my roommate was being very lazy. He told me later, "That guy is going to be worthless. He doesn't have any drive and he's just going to be a loser."
Fast forward to after he has the job I paid for him to have a good opportunity to obtain...
"Wow, you know I always knew that boy would be a success. He just always seemed to have a fire beneath him. Hard work is always rewarded."

Really? Cause you said the exact opposite until he was making tons of money...

So - along these lines, I'm worried that I just have missed the boat - but I don't know if I was meant to be on that boat anyway.

I feel like it's already too late - I'm 35 and very poor.
I have been moved into the portion of the system that is the majority, but it earns and supports the leisure and pleasure of the minority. The system itself is unfair and dishonest, and trying to put different labels on the system is unhelpful to people growing and trying to learn how to navigate their path through this world.

I wish people didn't care about money so much - but they do. I am a better potential date for a girl if I can pay for the bill, if I have a fancier car, if I have perfect clothes, etc. etc.
I wish I could change this fact, but I cannot.
I am evaluated by women, who are deciding upon their potential future romantic partner. They have no way to identify my character by looking at me, so they evaluate my financial status - not only because it's their only available information - but we are trained to do this from childhood in USA.
So, unfortunately, I have to overwhelm all of these things to even be considered by a girl that I would also consider "worthy."
It's sad, but good looking girls have realized that characteristic is a valued one, and therefore in high demand; the high demand has raised the cost of that characteristic. Just existing is enough of a job for many attractive women and they KNOW IT.

So, I have to overwhelm my earlier mistakes to achieve a good mate. This means that I have to "play the game," and part of that is paying off all the debts I have built over the years.
The problem I have with this (beside the obvious) is that it comes first. I have little guarantee or even hope that solving this huge problem will result in any improvement of experience for myself. Without that guarantee, I'm afraid the only guarantee I feel is included in this bargain is that I can make a certain portion of the 1% even more wealthy and rewarded than they are currently.
I can put loads of effort and use my available life - to work to benefit others - others that I dislike and really feel take advantage of people to the people's detriment and their own personal benefit.

I feel like I'm working to reward people I hate. So, if the only reward I get by working to reward the people I despise, is a CHANCE to MAYBE become ONE OF THEM - it's very hard to build that motivation.

Now - if I meet a good girl and I can focus on building a family and having a beautiful home life... Then I can have a REASON that is bigger and more important. Right now, the only reason I have that is concrete is GREED. I am really against how greedy Americans are and how greedy we are taught to be, and how the greediest among us have become celebrities. The entire system sickens me and I feel very jaded.

I desperately want to be a good person. I want to be a benefit and have everyone that interacts with me come away thinking, "That is a really good guy. He genuinely CARES about me and others and he doesn't do it to be manipulative."
I want to build a family. I want to be a father - but I realize it's very much a teamwork type of job. I need a mother that is really good too.
And yeah, I hate that this is true - but I want her to be pretty. If she isn't, well, I'm not attracted physically. I could link with a person just to be lifelong friends and not have sex involved, but I know sex would be nice - if only for the exercise.
Also, if kids are to be created - I want to provide them with every benefit I can. It's sad that it's true, but appearance makes a HUGE difference in how people are treated in this world. If I can marry and manage to have children with a very attractive girl - it's only going to make life that much better for my children. I don't want to marry a dumb person either - because it's easier to negotiate life when you have a good brain. (Although I do believe there is a definitive line that can be crossed here - ignorance in many ways truly is bliss...)

Well I have babbled way too much. Time for church! I'll go and be quiet there for a bit.

Local · 51-55, M

The way you described some of your friends, the words that comes to mind is parasites. Pardon me for thinking that way.
Parasites or lechers suck on others blood to stay alive and thrive.
But it only happens it you let them.
You are a very caring and sensitive person and you help your friends in any way you could.
But you OVERDID that.
I can understand the culture you live in where everything is measured by what you have.
Apparently, to tried to "have" as a reciprocal of "give".
You did the best thing as a human but in the wrong society.
My most important advice is "Give yourself first"
I know it sounds a little selfish and may be against your thought pattern but this is best suited to the culture you live in.
Whether it be an effort for a job, money, time, or anything. Give yourself first and if you have spare, only then agree to give to others.
Rule 2 is never give "anything" until asked.
This may sound that you will not make many friends or loose some but if you have any real friends, they will stick by you, no matter what your circumstances.
This acts like a filter to let the impostor friend go.
Coming to the dating part, yes beauty matters but what is out on the skin is just to attract a person. Whats in it, defines if a relationship will ever reach to a stage of living together.
Women who value the inner person may be less in your surroundings but not zero.
Maybe you are looking at the wrong circles or age groups (I am not sure of this).
We all loose the skin beauty with age, what remains is the beauty of the inner person and the love we have in our hearts.
Perfection is the most difficult thing to find and the most non permanent thing when it comes to human partnerships.
Give it a little break and concentrate on yourself, love destined for you will come your way.
I hope that the positive vibes you have and the prayers you make are answered.
Wish you best.

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

@Universal: thanks so much for the thoughtful reply... I really appreciate the effort and viewpoint.

Local · 51-55, M

@Tvxhed: Welcome. I choose to reply and give you some guiding thoughts because I saw (rather read) a positive and caring person inside you. Keep that positive person alive in you.
Wish you all the best and remember me in your prayers.