I Am Trying to Find Happiness
I have had a tricky time finding happiness and purpose. I think a big part of my trouble has come from being a child. Like everyone, I was made by my parents. They gave my life and much of my outlook, and I have tried to cobble the lessons I have learned together into a reasonable life.
I have to live my life for me. I know many people say that and it's almost a cliche, but I really have not lived for me. I have been a child my entire life, and since I'm 35, it's become rather harmful.
I wanted to make my parents proud - but I ended up getting addicted to drugs and involved in that lifestyle (selling drugs and taking them) and I used that to create a social circle around myself. I wanted people to call me and care about me and my activities, and the way I discovered to accomplish this was to sell drugs. In retrospect, I now know, that it wasn't the company I really desired. It was all people being selfish and trying to manipulate me out of my drugs or money - which is really what I was doing as well. I was using the profits that I had earned to manipulate people into liking me. I figured if I bought dinner for people, and we all took drugs together, and had lots of fun - that they would all like me and think quite highly of me.
Well, they certainly will all PRETEND to do so. For a long time, that was good enough. But then I started to change and want more - and I found that every relationship that I wanted to be a deeper one - had a definite bottom - and that was likely all based on the foundation of these "friendships" that I had built.
I quit using drugs and I also quit selling them. During the quitting process, I noticed that I was at least as addicted to the lifestyle and selling the drugs, as I was to taking them. I took a lot of personal effort and used a lot of introspection and I have really done very well with dealing with my drug problems.
However, my drug problems ended up creating many more issues than I had initially expected. For instance, I do not know how to connect with people now. My entire life, I used drugs and "being bad" as a common ground, with which to identify with people and to use as a base for friendship.
But, it isn't friendships you build while using drugs with other druggies. It is acquaintances and those ARE NOT friendships. Now, I am not saying there is nobody that uses drugs that is actually friends with other drug users. I absolutely did make and have some REAL friends, but they are few and far between.
Now, when I think about other people - I worry that they don't have any incentive to WANT to spend time with me. Why would they want to? I'm not rich, and I'm not going to give them drugs, so what do I have that is special? It seems to me that everyone talks, and that's just about my only benefit - good conversation. Well, in this modern world, it seems that conversation is less and less of a popular interest.
I don't know if it's just me, but often when I talk with someone - I can tell they really are not listening. They have identified what they believe the purpose of my sentence is, and they "tune out" to the actual words. They jump to their assumptions, and then begin formulating their response - while I am still talking!
I try very hard to actually LISTEN to people. I do my best to empathize with them and attempt to really see things from their perspective. I have done this for so long now, that I really am imprisoned by it. It has changed me in a very concrete way. I automatically think of others now, and I consider my actions and words much more carefully than I used to do. If I hurt someone's feelings or offend them; it truly bothers me. If I cut someone off in traffic, and it offends them, and I know I was wrong - it will bother me all day. I will think about it again and again and again - and hope he's not wishing the worst upon me.
I think a big reason this is my outlook, because of how I have become a hermit over the past few years. I was originally VERY eager. I was eager to drive to the next state, or buy this or that so I could sell it and profit; and I was always eager to go, go, go.
Well - back to the beginning - when I was young I was very good at not only selling drugs, but at keeping that activity a secret from my parents. Because I was able to become a full-blown heroin addict and dealer, while interacting with them on a pseudo-daily basis - and they never knew - they are unable to trust me now. I tell them I am behaving and doing good things, but they do not truly believe me - despite them wanting to do so. I always get told to "be careful" and my father even said I was "lucky to be alive after how wild I have been after college..." Which is completely misconstrued. If I lived through my adolescence - then I haven't even had a RISK since then! I mean, it was really dangerous when I was young, and if I managed to live through that, it's unlikely my very modest and simple life will "do me in."
But, they cannot believe I am behaving. They were fooled while I was right under their nose, so while I'm way out 1000's of miles away; it just is impossible to believe me. I created that situation by being so sneaky before - it's my own fault.
But, it hurts me. I want my parents to approve of me and like me - but they do not seem to do so.
I quit drugs initially and went back to college and earned my degree - and when things didn't work out; I kinda gave up. I haven't really tried again since, because I'm really unmotivated and I'm having trouble loving myself (to be completely honest.) I don't use drugs still, but it just feels like I'm mired in depression and judgement.
I was never caught by my parents - that makes it worse. Because they always feel I'm just able to keep it a secret. The way they finally heard was because other friends had gotten caught and they told their parents, who told mine. So it was this big circle of hearsay - and I never gave out enough information to prove it without outside help.
So - I have been trying hard to "behave" because I want to make my parents proud. I really have, I don't have any bad activities or anything that I keep a secret from my parents. But, they likely do not assume that as the reality of the situation.
Not only that, but finances have always been kind of hidden in my family. We aren't even really middle class - but my father always wants money to be a secret. When I was young, this was really good for me, because I was able to make lots of money from selling drugs and it wasn't a problem - because nobody ever asked any questions.
Well, my father has a bad habit of allotting respect based on how much money a person has - my mother does this too. Now, while growing up, it was more like I saw EVERYONE get respect, but it was really only people around our town. I grew up in such a small area (300 people) that reputation was of vital importance.
Well, I have always been treated well by my family when I have a pocket full of money. They assume since I have money, I must be doing everything else right. Well - it's been exactly the opposite in my life. So I feel like I have received respect when I have been misbehaving and keeping it secret - but then when I started being honest and open about everything - all of a sudden I became a worthless person.
It hurts because I have put so much effort into becoming a "good man," and that my parents would be proud of my actions and behavior. However, they are not. I quit heroin and went back to college and earned a degree and do they appreciate it? No.... Instead of remembering how I SHOULD have gotten into pharmacy college and become a doctor of pharmacy - instead they only remember I didn't get accepted. They don't remember it's only because the girl in the registrar in 2008 messed up (she didn't stamp a very important form) and then I borrowed (paid for college all by myself by borrowing money, no help from parents) the maximum I could so I could stay an extra year as a post-bac student - just to keep loans in deferment as I transfer from undergraduate to graduate school.
Well, 2009 was when the economy hit the fan - and everyone applied to graduate schools to escape the economy. I was denied and when I asked the schools what I'd have to do to become acceptable - literally all 5 I asked said "Don't do anything, just wait and re-apply. You'll get in, you were right on the line even with the higher requirements."
Well, I only had that one year to try. I could barely pay rent and feed myself, so I wasn't able to pay $2k/month in student loan bills. The result - I can't get more - and I can't pay back what I owe.
I scored over 3.1 core classes gpa (higher otherwise) and scored in the 86%ile in the composite column of the PCAT. I should be wearing a white smock and earning over $100K a year and owning my own house. Instead I live a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and continually trying to convince myself I can make it in this world, and that money isn't the only thing that matters. Yet, if money doesn't matter - what does? Relationships, and family... But, nobody likes you if you're poor. So I guess I'll just have to do without that too.
Oh well, some people can't walk. I'll just enjoy these legs, I guess.
I have to live my life for me. I know many people say that and it's almost a cliche, but I really have not lived for me. I have been a child my entire life, and since I'm 35, it's become rather harmful.
I wanted to make my parents proud - but I ended up getting addicted to drugs and involved in that lifestyle (selling drugs and taking them) and I used that to create a social circle around myself. I wanted people to call me and care about me and my activities, and the way I discovered to accomplish this was to sell drugs. In retrospect, I now know, that it wasn't the company I really desired. It was all people being selfish and trying to manipulate me out of my drugs or money - which is really what I was doing as well. I was using the profits that I had earned to manipulate people into liking me. I figured if I bought dinner for people, and we all took drugs together, and had lots of fun - that they would all like me and think quite highly of me.
Well, they certainly will all PRETEND to do so. For a long time, that was good enough. But then I started to change and want more - and I found that every relationship that I wanted to be a deeper one - had a definite bottom - and that was likely all based on the foundation of these "friendships" that I had built.
I quit using drugs and I also quit selling them. During the quitting process, I noticed that I was at least as addicted to the lifestyle and selling the drugs, as I was to taking them. I took a lot of personal effort and used a lot of introspection and I have really done very well with dealing with my drug problems.
However, my drug problems ended up creating many more issues than I had initially expected. For instance, I do not know how to connect with people now. My entire life, I used drugs and "being bad" as a common ground, with which to identify with people and to use as a base for friendship.
But, it isn't friendships you build while using drugs with other druggies. It is acquaintances and those ARE NOT friendships. Now, I am not saying there is nobody that uses drugs that is actually friends with other drug users. I absolutely did make and have some REAL friends, but they are few and far between.
Now, when I think about other people - I worry that they don't have any incentive to WANT to spend time with me. Why would they want to? I'm not rich, and I'm not going to give them drugs, so what do I have that is special? It seems to me that everyone talks, and that's just about my only benefit - good conversation. Well, in this modern world, it seems that conversation is less and less of a popular interest.
I don't know if it's just me, but often when I talk with someone - I can tell they really are not listening. They have identified what they believe the purpose of my sentence is, and they "tune out" to the actual words. They jump to their assumptions, and then begin formulating their response - while I am still talking!
I try very hard to actually LISTEN to people. I do my best to empathize with them and attempt to really see things from their perspective. I have done this for so long now, that I really am imprisoned by it. It has changed me in a very concrete way. I automatically think of others now, and I consider my actions and words much more carefully than I used to do. If I hurt someone's feelings or offend them; it truly bothers me. If I cut someone off in traffic, and it offends them, and I know I was wrong - it will bother me all day. I will think about it again and again and again - and hope he's not wishing the worst upon me.
I think a big reason this is my outlook, because of how I have become a hermit over the past few years. I was originally VERY eager. I was eager to drive to the next state, or buy this or that so I could sell it and profit; and I was always eager to go, go, go.
Well - back to the beginning - when I was young I was very good at not only selling drugs, but at keeping that activity a secret from my parents. Because I was able to become a full-blown heroin addict and dealer, while interacting with them on a pseudo-daily basis - and they never knew - they are unable to trust me now. I tell them I am behaving and doing good things, but they do not truly believe me - despite them wanting to do so. I always get told to "be careful" and my father even said I was "lucky to be alive after how wild I have been after college..." Which is completely misconstrued. If I lived through my adolescence - then I haven't even had a RISK since then! I mean, it was really dangerous when I was young, and if I managed to live through that, it's unlikely my very modest and simple life will "do me in."
But, they cannot believe I am behaving. They were fooled while I was right under their nose, so while I'm way out 1000's of miles away; it just is impossible to believe me. I created that situation by being so sneaky before - it's my own fault.
But, it hurts me. I want my parents to approve of me and like me - but they do not seem to do so.
I quit drugs initially and went back to college and earned my degree - and when things didn't work out; I kinda gave up. I haven't really tried again since, because I'm really unmotivated and I'm having trouble loving myself (to be completely honest.) I don't use drugs still, but it just feels like I'm mired in depression and judgement.
I was never caught by my parents - that makes it worse. Because they always feel I'm just able to keep it a secret. The way they finally heard was because other friends had gotten caught and they told their parents, who told mine. So it was this big circle of hearsay - and I never gave out enough information to prove it without outside help.
So - I have been trying hard to "behave" because I want to make my parents proud. I really have, I don't have any bad activities or anything that I keep a secret from my parents. But, they likely do not assume that as the reality of the situation.
Not only that, but finances have always been kind of hidden in my family. We aren't even really middle class - but my father always wants money to be a secret. When I was young, this was really good for me, because I was able to make lots of money from selling drugs and it wasn't a problem - because nobody ever asked any questions.
Well, my father has a bad habit of allotting respect based on how much money a person has - my mother does this too. Now, while growing up, it was more like I saw EVERYONE get respect, but it was really only people around our town. I grew up in such a small area (300 people) that reputation was of vital importance.
Well, I have always been treated well by my family when I have a pocket full of money. They assume since I have money, I must be doing everything else right. Well - it's been exactly the opposite in my life. So I feel like I have received respect when I have been misbehaving and keeping it secret - but then when I started being honest and open about everything - all of a sudden I became a worthless person.
It hurts because I have put so much effort into becoming a "good man," and that my parents would be proud of my actions and behavior. However, they are not. I quit heroin and went back to college and earned a degree and do they appreciate it? No.... Instead of remembering how I SHOULD have gotten into pharmacy college and become a doctor of pharmacy - instead they only remember I didn't get accepted. They don't remember it's only because the girl in the registrar in 2008 messed up (she didn't stamp a very important form) and then I borrowed (paid for college all by myself by borrowing money, no help from parents) the maximum I could so I could stay an extra year as a post-bac student - just to keep loans in deferment as I transfer from undergraduate to graduate school.
Well, 2009 was when the economy hit the fan - and everyone applied to graduate schools to escape the economy. I was denied and when I asked the schools what I'd have to do to become acceptable - literally all 5 I asked said "Don't do anything, just wait and re-apply. You'll get in, you were right on the line even with the higher requirements."
Well, I only had that one year to try. I could barely pay rent and feed myself, so I wasn't able to pay $2k/month in student loan bills. The result - I can't get more - and I can't pay back what I owe.
I scored over 3.1 core classes gpa (higher otherwise) and scored in the 86%ile in the composite column of the PCAT. I should be wearing a white smock and earning over $100K a year and owning my own house. Instead I live a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and continually trying to convince myself I can make it in this world, and that money isn't the only thing that matters. Yet, if money doesn't matter - what does? Relationships, and family... But, nobody likes you if you're poor. So I guess I'll just have to do without that too.
Oh well, some people can't walk. I'll just enjoy these legs, I guess.
