Climate Activists Blame Global Warming For Zero Hurricanes Forming In Atlantic This Year

Climate activists sounded the alarm this week, warning that global warming was to blame for zero hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Ocean this year.

Though it was previously a common belief that global warming would lead to more frequent and powerful hurricanes, experts warned the lack of hurricanes was also the result of climate change and that Republicans would "rue the day" they ever dismissed it as a hoax.

"The pleasant hurricane season Florida is having is directly caused by global warming, and we are all going to die as a result," said protester Byron Bridges. "America must mandate the use of electric cars immediately — but not Teslas."

According to climate activists, no hurricanes might seem good until you realize fewer people are being killed by them. "With no hurricanes around to quell the human population, the world will become overpopulated, and we will all die for completely different reasons," warned climate activist and part-time masseuse Gina Hampton. "Unless a level 5 hurricane hits Miami this year, we are all going to die."

Critics suggested climate activists needed to chill out, which was interpreted as a threat that conservatives would intentionally bring about global cooling — which is also bad.

"Any change the weather does is bad," Hampton explained. "Hot. Cold. No hurricanes. Some hurricanes. It's all going to kill us."

At publishing time, climate activists were panicking in the streets after seeing a pleasant sunny day, which they warned would lead to the overcrowding of parks, beaches, and playgrounds.