Anorexia is ruining my life

i think the first step into recovery is to realise that you’re not going to see yourself as “skinny” at first. it will be impossible for you to see even, but, looking past that you have to really think about what you want, from this post you said that you want to be pretty and love yourself again, you also said you hate how you look but would never want to go back to your old self, and you don’t have to!! you should discuss this with your psychiatrist, they can help you gauge a healthy weight goal for you to aim for, remember recover is slow, but you know you can do it, even if you don’t want to, because i promise you you will be SO much happier! remember, healthy doesn’t equal big/fat, it means that you’re getting better, and that’s a good sign.
to meet this goal, you need to help yourself try and realise that calories aren’t everything, i know it feels like it and for you at this moment it is the be all and end all but you need to see past it, calories in specific foods may be higher than you like but it doesn’t mean that they’re going to make you big, they’re just going to help you get back on track, maybe start out with trying to conquer some fear foods, small steps are okay to take, you don’t have to go full on.
if you think about your future and wanting to perhaps be able to have kids one day you should take all of this into value, because being like this isn’t making you happy!!
most importantly to note is that it is okay to not want to get better, it’s okay to still want to lose weight, but what’s really damaging you psychologically and physically is keeping heading down this rabbit hole, it’s okay to not be okay but it’s never okay to do things to yourself that don’t make you happy. you may not see it now but you’re making progress! even if you’re starting recovery for a week and not being able to keep going it’s progress! you will find that after you really understand what you want that recovery is going to brake a while but ultimately you’ll be happy with who you are at the end, im sorry if none of this made sense or offended you in anyway, im very tired and it’s difficult for me to type at the moment !! but please message me if you want any advice ❤️

You say that you have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. You also say: "I have no idea how to get out of this." Those two things are contradictory. You know exactly how to get out of this.

You know it's an obsession. You say so. Obsessions are, by definition, excessive and unhealthy. You also say that it is ruining your life. It's pain that brings about most change in life. You're in pain, but not yet willing to change the behaviors, and stay with the healthier behaviors, that you know you must. Unfortunately, the pain that comes with staying on the path you're on is pain that can kill you. Hair and reproductive function is one thing, but I'm sure you know that organ failure is the real risk.

You can't control your thoughts, but your behaviors are 100% up to you. Your life is never going to be easy or pain free, and the negative feelings you have are not ones you invited. However, you know what you must do. Your psychiatrist and psychologist have told you what you must do. When you're ready, you will take those steps. You're not ready.

Mortality tables don't lie. Accept that your psychiatrist, who is an MD, knows how to apply them better than you do.

Well if u haven't had a period in all most two year's I would see a doctor

I think you need someone who genuinely lov3s you to boost your self confidence on a daily basis until you accept who you are and learn to love yourself.

Sensitive Question. Have you experienced abuse?

Are you able to get some kind of therapy?