Anorexia is ruining my life

I’ve lost my period for 1,5 years now, my hair is thinning every day, my relationships with my parents are ruined, i have no friends, all i do is obsess over calorie intake and working out, my day circles around only these two things. I hate how i look, but i would NEVER want to go back to my old self. I have no idea how to get out of this, my psychiatrist and psychologist have tried everything to help me, but nothing works. Every recovery ends a week later and i start restricting again. I just want to be pretty and love myself. I am so scared that i won’t be able to have kids, but my weight loss desire is stronger.

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NubbinC · 46-50, M

You say that you have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. You also say: "I have no idea how to get out of this." Those two things are contradictory. You know exactly how to get out of this.

You know it's an obsession. You say so. Obsessions are, by definition, excessive and unhealthy. You also say that it is ruining your life. It's pain that brings about most change in life. You're in pain, but not yet willing to change the behaviors, and stay with the healthier behaviors, that you know you must. Unfortunately, the pain that comes with staying on the path you're on is pain that can kill you. Hair and reproductive function is one thing, but I'm sure you know that organ failure is the real risk.

You can't control your thoughts, but your behaviors are 100% up to you. Your life is never going to be easy or pain free, and the negative feelings you have are not ones you invited. However, you know what you must do. Your psychiatrist and psychologist have told you what you must do. When you're ready, you will take those steps. You're not ready.

Mortality tables don't lie. Accept that your psychiatrist, who is an MD, knows how to apply them better than you do.