Really not sure why I am doing this ...

@robingoodfellow Thank you very much for that.
This was the first song I think I ever wrote straight from the heart. It just poured out in just a few minutes. It was an actual song that really meant something to me rather than some quirky phrases strung together.
I shared it with a close musician friend of mine who was aware of everything that was going on with me and this situation. The funny thing was it wasn't like I shared it with pride like I had accomplished something great and was looking for props. I think I shared it with him just as I would share a letter talking about it. It had just come out so clear as a description of the hurt I was feeling.
I think I shared it one other time after that as a song rather than a woe of me dedication.
But other than that I would just play it alone to myself when I was really feeling the hurt. Maybe just a way to torture myself. IDK.
For some reason after I recorded it I felt this strong urg to put it out there for other people to see.
I guess it was just time.
After I made the video and actually uploaded it I still hesitated a few hours before i actually posted it here.
It's a crazy thing to expose your raw delicate true self openly like this.
This is a monument to the worst pain I have ever had to experience with no relief.
Maybe sharing it will open new windows some how and help me cope better than I have been.
Thank you again.

@Dainbramadge I think its probably going to prove to be cathartic for you. You're not the first to take something painfully personal and make a public song out of it. Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven is a good example.
I have to tell you, this put tears in my eyes. A beautiful song married to these images is quite powerful.

@robingoodfellow I guess that is what I am looking for is a cleansing. Writing the song documented, very accurately, what I was feeling deep in my soul.
I thought that was enough. That was all I needed to cushion the pain.
But then I recorded it and it became something new.
I guess maybe I felt guilty hiding it away all those years like I had done something wrong, but when I listened to the playback I didn't feel ashamed of having those painful feelings.
I have talked here about the situation before I just never imagined actually showing the complete picture of how deeply hurt I am over this.

I have a difficult time listening to "Tears in Heaven".

@thewindupbirdchronicles When I wrote it, it was just me wrestling with all those thoughts in my head. Trying to make some form of sense of the situation.
It's about my daughter who took the divorce very hard and blamed me for it.
I haven't seen her since she was 11 and she is 17 now.
After I recorded it I just felt maybe it was time to put it out there and maybe receive more closure of sorts with it.
Thank you. :-)

@HootyTheNightOwl That is a very complexed question. With me and my daughter it was a misunderstanding that she was allowed to believe instead of her mother explaining it to her and encouraging her to talk to me.

My parents were both horribly abusive. I never cut them out even tho they continued to be a negative influence until their deaths. They had no idea how to be anything other than what they were.
They didn't possess the ability nor want to look at what they were doing and decide they were doing nothing but damage.
So, with that in mind, what good would come from you re-establishing a relationship with your father?
Maybe you would feel like you did something kind for some one that didn't deserve it.

I will take a second to also say that if anything I write comes off as anything less than sincere it's this medication I am on has my brain doing exactly what it's not supposed to do. Ugh!! :-)

In your case, I would think, you should only think of you. Would contact with him make your life better in some way?
In my case, they never changed and were only constant reminders of all the bad they did and continued to do.
But if facing your past will empower you in some way like showing you that he no longer has power over you, then it may help.
I wish I could say more. Brain not working. :-(
Thank you Hooty and I hope the best for you.

@Dainbramadge My problem was more a case of broken parents raising children that they broke.

It took me decades to see my mother's abuse because of the fact that she was protecting me from worse abuse by my "dad" and step dad.

She's been dead a little over a year now - and I look at the family I have left... a father who would hit me until I learned to dissociate. To this day, I still dissociate when pain gets too much for me.

A sister who is enabling my ongoing abuse to continue... while at the same time as opening windows for me to escape through.

A brother who just wants to beat the snot out of whoever he can. I don't want soon to be ex beaten up... I just want out of here.

The way I see things is that I have nothing to gain from associating myself with any of them - all it's ever going to do is hurt me further.

I'm aware of your bipolar disorder and that sometimes your brain works differently to how you might want it to. I also consider us to be friends, so I know that you have my best interests at heart - even if you feel like you aren't saying what you feel that you should.

You gave me a lot to think about, which has confirmed in my head what I have felt for decades now... though it stretches further than I first thought it did based on the recent actions of my siblings.

@eyeno Thank you so much. :-)

@Dainbramadge And..no charge as Wolfman Jack used to say😀

it really was good

@bookerdana Thank you.
I got the new guitar and it seemed the perfect song to record with it.

@Dainbramadge That song with a little tweeking could be a hit

@TimeStandingStill I really just need her to give me a chance.
She doesn't just want to be free of me, she told her counselor that she wants to kill me.
It's all just such a small misunderstanding on her part that I could explain and fix in just a few minutes.
Her mother and her family let her make a big decision when she was 11 without correcting her misjudgment for the simple reason to drive a wedge in between her and I.
I sincerely hope you find a guiding light at your crossroads.

@Dainbramadge I am so sorry and while I do not know the circumstances of what caused all this, I know that nothing is resolved without giving things a chance. Perhaps when she is a bit older and sees things from a different perspective, she will seek you out herself for answers.
Thank you, I pray everyday for a sign or a push of some kind to guide me in doing the right thing.

@PoetryNEmotion Thank you. :-)

@PoetryNEmotion Oh crap. I just realized I didn't answer your question. LOL. My bad.
Yes this is my daughter.
She took the divorce really hard and blamed me.
When she was 11 she got the idea that I didn't love her as much as I did her brothers and her mother nor her family bothered to tell her how wrong she was. They saw it as an opportunity to come between me and her.
So for the past 6 years she hasn't had any contact with me.
Actually just a few months ago she found out I had been sneaking onto her Facebook page and keeping up with her life best I could and she blocked me from even being able to do that.
All I ever wanted, from as long as I can remember, was to have kids so I could treat them better than I got. Give them everything that no child should ever not feel every day. Understanding. Validation. Support. Absolute unconditional love. Time.
I wrote her a letter, even tho the actual court order stated that I couldn't contact her, I had to wait for her to come to me. Her counselor created a loophole that made it not a violation for me to send the actual letter to the counselor and then the counselor could present it to her if she wanted to read it.
She didn't even bother to read it.
Now that makes it sound like I did something wrong. I didn't. My ex kept making accusations that I was using the kids to get information about her and also that I was sexualizing her and something else I can't remember right now.
Every time she would make an accusation, no matter how wild, she could stop my visits and make them supervised through the state. Those were one hour a week in a crappy room with nothing for the kids to do.
Every accusation was investigated by Child Protective Services and all found to be B.S. yet she was allowed to continue to do it with no threat of any legal ramifications.
During the supervised visits my daughter started to draw away. I just thought she needed space. What she needed was for me to spend time with her one on one rather than all four of us together.
I can see that clear as day now. What I thought was giving her space, to her, was me not going to her.
You know I could explain all that in ten minutes to her.
That's all I need is ten minutes to put things back where they should be.

@Dainbramadge I was waiting for you to reply. Listen, please. And well. She will come tonterms with this. It will take a lot of time. Then she will return to you. Please be patient. Children get older. They figure out divorce. You will have to wait longer. When she starts contacting you, take it slowly. Carefully. Like holding a wild bird in your hand. One who has crashed against a window. Understand? And slowly show her you love her. Take time. Remember my words. You have time. Your ex is trash. She will always be rotten. Forget her. Your daughter will choose you to be in her life again. You could write her letters right now. Explain how much you love her. Then give all the letters to her when she returns. Believe me. Those letters will tell her you never stopped loving her. Now go about your day. Peace will come.

@Lostpoet Thank you my friend.
I have not given up on the chance of it happening.

@SW-User Thank you.
I am definitely hoping she shows up before the end. :-)

@fun4us2b Thank you for listening.
You put it very perfect.
This is exactly what music is for.
Thank you for that. :-)

@Quimliqer thank you very much for this.