Ive got PTSD from war. Been living with it for so long, i can't imagine my life before the war. I knew i had changed by the time i got back home, but i thought it was temporary and i didn't realize how deeply and thoroughly I was affected. I thought i would settle in and settle down and get adjusted to civilian life after a few weeks. I didnt notice that I was angry all the time or how the only way i could feel thrilled at all, required me to be risking my life or freedom or threaten my survival somehow. I ended up creating a life that enables PTSD and didnt think anything was strange about it. Now I can admit Im strange and live a strange life and I've given up on the idea of being happy, kinda. ..I mean, what I realized is that being angry makes me happy. ..and being happy makes me sad. ...and being sad makes me angry. So in a way, as long as i remember to remind myself,.. all roads lead to happy, eventually . ..but why tf would i ever want to be happy when it makes me so sad., ..and why the fuck am i so fuckin sad all the time. It fuckin pisses me tf off, which motivates tf out of me. It's a constant cycle that I'm used to.
I got a job in heavy construction, plumbing, in a nice organized union working with a buch of cavemen with thick hydes, with so many pounds of tools hanging off my overalls, like TA50 on my field uniform. Traded my combat boots for steel toed redwings and my kevlar helmet for a carbon fiber hard hat. The buildings we build look like the buildings we destroyed at many stages of any job. The smell of wet concrete and dirt leads to smells that i only remember, but still smell them sometimes.. flies really get me triggered, BBQ chicken or ribs, same 🤮 ..the hissing of a passenger jet in the distance can sneak up on me sometimes and i get instantly anxious and feel the heat briefly then i remind myself that im home and nobody around me is the wiser of what's really going through my mind at any given time of day. Lol, they have no idea that i didht hear one thing they told me about the big NASCAR race or the big NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, NHRA, WBC, WBO, UFC, blah blah blah event they stayed glued to their 90 inch flat screen tv over the weekend to see, or how good they have it or what goes into maintaining that way of life.
Hey, what about the ones who want to be your ally, and won't take no for an answer and they spend a couple days digging info out of you about what got you feeling this way. They get everything pulled out, then lose interest and leave everything unraveled and talk shit behind your back. ..or what about the ones who get close enough to learn a few of your triggers and think they get special access to pull your triggers and expect some kind of pass,.. as if you can turn it on and off at will. Those mf's piss me off the most . It's almost like they're saying you're faking it but your secret is safe with them.. I'm not proud of this, but i have made some real tough guys cry or quit or report me for creating a hostile work environment. But its always them who create it. I just treat them the way i feel they treat me. I don't get in physical altercations. I go psychological and show them the way i see them or the way their wives probably see them but i do it with that stone cold expression that i feel come on and i can't turn it off when it comes.
Fuck! I had a point to make but i lost it along the way
