Appointment with our neurologist

Today was been a rollercoaster of emotions. Mostly anxiety and happy feelings. And the feeling I may never be who I need to be.

Sissy and I had an appointment with our neurologist. The first part was supposed to be about her, helping her but I just had a feeling the doctor was watching me.

She told me she has impressed with my daughter coping skills. The sensory bag and air pods have done wonders for her. She still couldn't say with 100% certainty that she had tourette's. We said she wanted to observe her in more low stress situations without her air pods.

We talked about us moving and the fireplace issues. She thinks I should get a electric fireplace now and start using it in place of the real one to help her get use to it. So we're going to get one this weekend to help her out.

Then the appointment turned all about me. She asked me when I first started having tics and how I handle them. What help I got to help me cope

I laughed and told her I was 6 years old when I started having tics, and how our family doctor said I was faking. I told her everything. About how my parents didn't believe it wasn't real. How they tired to beat or starve it out of me. I told her about my sister and how it was my fault she died and how much worse it got for me after that. How I drop out of school because I couldn't control myself and had bullied.

I think I shocked her because she was quite for a while. My baby girl came up to me and hugged me. I told her that she would never have to worry about that or live in fear like I did.

Daddy you don't have to tell me that I already know. Yep I'm crying again.

So I figured like most doctors I see this new doctor would say I'm hopeless and focus on Sissy.

The doctor than asked me when was the last time I was seen by a neurologist

I was 20 I told her and the doctor told me I was to old to be helped. Nothing he could do would help me because my tics where to severe for anyone to help me at my age. And that was it. I was asked to leave.

She took my hand and said you are never to old to be helped. It will not be easy but I you give me a chance I know I can help you learn to cope with your tics and help calm them down.

Yes please help my dad my baby girl broke my heart

That was it. I knew I had to try, I had to let her help me because of daughter, my son's and Joel. I need to get better for them.

Like I said today was a rollercoaster. I'm drained and so tired. I'm excited and numb at the same time. I'm anxious and calm. My head is going 1000 miles per hour but I feel like I hit a brick wall.

Our night was good. We had ribs, baked beans and salad. We made s'mores.

Once the kids where in bed Joel and I had our cigars and tequila. I'm starting to like tequila a bit more. I didn't talk much I couldn't.

I'm fucking scared. So many people I need to get better. So many people trying to help me. What if I can't. What if I am to old to learn coping skills for my tics, my OCD and anxiety. What if I'm as good as I can be. Will it be enough for them.

I feel like I need to scream and be calm at the same time. I need to hit something and do nothing.

I just don't know if I'll ever be good enough for them