Borderline Personality

I have borderline personality. I'm a hard person to be around, a hard person to love. I'm mean and I dig too deep and see everything in black and white. I get angry and feel like everyone is doing everything wrong and it's intentional. I never realize i'm doing it until it's too late. And then I do a full 180 and suddenly I'm consumed with guilt and sorrow. I have no long lasting relationships. None. I've had best friends in segments one after another as I choose a new favorite person to zone in on. And if I have a boyfriend I have no best friend at all because all my time and attention goes to him. And now I've become so comfortable with him that after 3 years I've started to pick apart everything and call it standing up for myself and not settling. And then it's like I wake up a different person and realize I've been horrible to him. And then I wake up one day and I'm angry at him for gaslighting me in to feeling that way. And then I wake up one day and I'm humiliated that I was so mean and unforgiving to someone I'm supposed to love. And it repeats and repeats and repeats. My mind is a prison. I'm in therapy and on 3 mood stabilizers. Really all that has done has made me aware of my own patterns. I still can't stop. My boyfriend is slipping away from me. He hasn't called me baby in over a month and has no interest in doing anything with me. I think I've ruined another relationship. And now I'm panicking and doing damage control constantly and just making it worse by being too much. I'm so so so tired of being in my mind

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PinkMoon · 26-30, F

Congratulations on seeking help through therapy and medication. I hope that with time you can heal,it's possible. That being said your relationship is toxic. You're not in the mental space where you can be in a romantic relationship without being emotionally and psychologically abusive. The best thing for your boyfriend to do is break up with you,get therapy, take time off of dating and heal. You shouldn't be in a romantic relationship until you've been through enough treatment to where you won't be a danger to others. You know you're abusive by nature and until you get a handle over that you're choosing to traumatize yourself and others. You said therapy is just making you aware of your toxic patterns, that's good. You are leaps and bounds ahead of other people with bpd because you are aware. You don't have to be the worst of the symptoms, you can catch yourself while you're in heightened states and you can adjust accordingly. It's going to take time off of dating in order for you to gain the skills you need to be in a romantic relationship and regulate your emotions. You can either identify as a monster and own the identity of being toxic by nature or you can prioritize healing which will require you to give up dating until you're healthier.