I hate being reminded of people I used to like, who turned out to hate me.

People I thought were cool, who secretly thought I was some kind of fuсking psycho, who thought it was cool to talk about me behind my back, thinking I'd never know.

Because in my broken mind, I internalize the hate. My diseased brain tells me that they are right. That I'm unlovable.

And trying to express that struggle without falling into the cycle of abusing myself in the hopes that some person will tell me that I'm wrong, and that I'm worthy of love... I'm not sure how to do that. Healthy internal dialogue is hard when I'm reminded of just how much some people around here hate me.

But I know that beating myself up, calling myself names, is a terrible way to respond to that. And doing it publicly in the hopes that someone will contradict me? That's just toxic.

So this isn't any of that. I'm not seeking any confirmation that I'm a good person. I'm just venting right now, because I've been reminded again of someone who talked about me behind my back, then blocked me when I inevitably caught him.

But I've started to realize something else. Another toxic trait of mine. And that is, when someone has been toxic and abusive to me, but is able to maintain healthy relationships with other people, I hold it against those people. I look at people who are friends with the ones who hate me, and I wonder why they can't see that person for who he really is. And the reality is, that person's hatred of me is only one aspect of his personality. And I'm doing what he does, focusing on one part of him that is unhealthy and toxic, and ignoring the rest of him.

So honestly, I don't know what this is. Just an attempt to work things out by venting in a semi-public forum, I suppose.