I Have Ptsd
PTSD
I did not know i had it until a few years ago. I just knew that when ever certain things would happen I would get so sick. I felt as if I was out of my body, such intense fear, no control over any of it, the flashbacks kept playing and playing. I would cry and at one point I was hiding in my closet. The person that caused the PTSD was my ex. He was such an abusive man.
I was brought up in a home full of men. I have 4 brothers and of course my father. My father felt that women had to be taken care of and protected. What my father did not know was that my older brother would beat the tar out of my other brother and me. I remember hiding in a closet from my brother. My mother knew but she was not around much.
My father lead me to believe that when a man married me, he would love and protect me. I remember in the beginning he would not leave me alone. He always wanted to be around me. I avoided him. I did not want a relationship. As time went on, we would go out with my friend and his uncle and we started dating. I will fast forward to the abuse. It was gradual. He would mentally start and then it was a push.
I found a journal of the first time about a month ago. He had gone out for the day. He was suppose to come home and we were going out. He never did. I went on and went to visit some of his family members. He arrived home late. I was 6 months pregnant. He came in and went to bed. I arrived from his aunts and asked him to move some so I could get into bed when he all of a sudden he kicked me and I landed on my behind. I was shocked. I just sat there trying to process everything, did this just happen? is my baby ok? does he not care? why would he do this? I get up and in tears I asked him "why?" and he did it again. I then went to the bathroom to hide out. I did not know what more he would do. I remember that he then was going around acting crazy. I did not know what to think or do. Oddly, I pushed this out of my mind. Reading it I remembered it as if it was yesterday.
He apologized and was good for a while and then he would work that mental abuse that slowly drives all the self worth out of you. I was not close to my family and he was now making sure that I felt I had no one.
One day we were having a party. There were a lot of his family members, brother, sisters and in laws. I was washing dishes when he grabbed me by the arm and started pushing me to the master bedroom. I kept asking what was wrong but he would not answer me. My baby was on the bed. she was about 9 months old. He pushed me on the bed and straddled me. I remember like slow motion, his arm going up as his fist came down on my face. I screamed over and over to get help and slowly his family ran to the door of the bedroom. I kept asking for them to please get my baby. I was afraid he would hit her or I would by accident. No one moved......................................
He proceeded to hit me over and over on the face with his fist closed. When at some point someone finally moved and grabbed my baby and ran with her. No one grabbed him. There were about 4 men at the door and at this point about 2 women. Finally some one snapped and grabbed him. By this time I was a complete bloody mess. My face was swollen and I had blood every where. I ran into the bathroom, crying. My sister in law came in and she started to cry when she saw me. She told me not to worry they would stay with me to make sure he would not do anything more. Apparently he left after they pulled him off me.
Many people ask why did I not leave? No one knows how they would react in this situation until they have been here. At one point I asked for help. No one would help me. I was told to go back home where I belonged. I slowly started to just shut down and I could be me with my children. I did not trust many people. Those same people were the ones that would not help me.
Years passed and finally the physical abuse stopped but not the mental and emotional abuse. Many people asked/ask me whey did I stay. I had no way to go. Mentally he had taken everything from me. One day he accused me of cheating once again. Something he did often. I never had cheated or even considered it. On this day, it was the last straw. I finally realized that after all those years of marriage, my loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, etc, it was as if nothing. I finally told him I was done. I would stay married to him for the children but we were not married in my eyes. I would still do everything like normal to pull of a front but that was it.
This worked for 2 weeks and then it was as if someone put on a video in my head. Everything I thought i forgot came to me, clip after clip. beating after beating, fear and shame, sadness and loveless, lack of self worth, etc. I could not function very well. I lost so much weight. I was a thin thing at this point. If my husband/abuser at the time would come near me, i would start to physically shake and freeze. I would hide in the closet many times, crying and scared. he would try to reassure me but in my head I was just seeing the abuse. He finally realized that he had to leave. He felt sure he would come back if he just gave me some space. Here it is years later and no it did not work out that way. I divorced him when he tried to bully me. I got away. Not many women can.
My ex is now my stalker. He is the one that gets my PTSD going full force. I have slowly worked on it and it's better. I realize that if I hear that he is looking for me (which he continues to do to this day) I do not freak out and freeze. Now if I am closer to where he lives that is a different story but I try to control those times.
I was told once that our minds will not give us more than we can handle and as I work on myself more things will come to me. Well now comes the other PTSD. I hate it so much. I hate the frozen moment as the flashback comes and just stays stuck there. I am going to finish that flashback and do what I did with the other but it's rough at times.
I thank God that he has given me good friends that support me and are they as I go down this path.
If you read this much........wow, thank you. :)
I did not know i had it until a few years ago. I just knew that when ever certain things would happen I would get so sick. I felt as if I was out of my body, such intense fear, no control over any of it, the flashbacks kept playing and playing. I would cry and at one point I was hiding in my closet. The person that caused the PTSD was my ex. He was such an abusive man.
I was brought up in a home full of men. I have 4 brothers and of course my father. My father felt that women had to be taken care of and protected. What my father did not know was that my older brother would beat the tar out of my other brother and me. I remember hiding in a closet from my brother. My mother knew but she was not around much.
My father lead me to believe that when a man married me, he would love and protect me. I remember in the beginning he would not leave me alone. He always wanted to be around me. I avoided him. I did not want a relationship. As time went on, we would go out with my friend and his uncle and we started dating. I will fast forward to the abuse. It was gradual. He would mentally start and then it was a push.
I found a journal of the first time about a month ago. He had gone out for the day. He was suppose to come home and we were going out. He never did. I went on and went to visit some of his family members. He arrived home late. I was 6 months pregnant. He came in and went to bed. I arrived from his aunts and asked him to move some so I could get into bed when he all of a sudden he kicked me and I landed on my behind. I was shocked. I just sat there trying to process everything, did this just happen? is my baby ok? does he not care? why would he do this? I get up and in tears I asked him "why?" and he did it again. I then went to the bathroom to hide out. I did not know what more he would do. I remember that he then was going around acting crazy. I did not know what to think or do. Oddly, I pushed this out of my mind. Reading it I remembered it as if it was yesterday.
He apologized and was good for a while and then he would work that mental abuse that slowly drives all the self worth out of you. I was not close to my family and he was now making sure that I felt I had no one.
One day we were having a party. There were a lot of his family members, brother, sisters and in laws. I was washing dishes when he grabbed me by the arm and started pushing me to the master bedroom. I kept asking what was wrong but he would not answer me. My baby was on the bed. she was about 9 months old. He pushed me on the bed and straddled me. I remember like slow motion, his arm going up as his fist came down on my face. I screamed over and over to get help and slowly his family ran to the door of the bedroom. I kept asking for them to please get my baby. I was afraid he would hit her or I would by accident. No one moved......................................
He proceeded to hit me over and over on the face with his fist closed. When at some point someone finally moved and grabbed my baby and ran with her. No one grabbed him. There were about 4 men at the door and at this point about 2 women. Finally some one snapped and grabbed him. By this time I was a complete bloody mess. My face was swollen and I had blood every where. I ran into the bathroom, crying. My sister in law came in and she started to cry when she saw me. She told me not to worry they would stay with me to make sure he would not do anything more. Apparently he left after they pulled him off me.
Many people ask why did I not leave? No one knows how they would react in this situation until they have been here. At one point I asked for help. No one would help me. I was told to go back home where I belonged. I slowly started to just shut down and I could be me with my children. I did not trust many people. Those same people were the ones that would not help me.
Years passed and finally the physical abuse stopped but not the mental and emotional abuse. Many people asked/ask me whey did I stay. I had no way to go. Mentally he had taken everything from me. One day he accused me of cheating once again. Something he did often. I never had cheated or even considered it. On this day, it was the last straw. I finally realized that after all those years of marriage, my loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, etc, it was as if nothing. I finally told him I was done. I would stay married to him for the children but we were not married in my eyes. I would still do everything like normal to pull of a front but that was it.
This worked for 2 weeks and then it was as if someone put on a video in my head. Everything I thought i forgot came to me, clip after clip. beating after beating, fear and shame, sadness and loveless, lack of self worth, etc. I could not function very well. I lost so much weight. I was a thin thing at this point. If my husband/abuser at the time would come near me, i would start to physically shake and freeze. I would hide in the closet many times, crying and scared. he would try to reassure me but in my head I was just seeing the abuse. He finally realized that he had to leave. He felt sure he would come back if he just gave me some space. Here it is years later and no it did not work out that way. I divorced him when he tried to bully me. I got away. Not many women can.
My ex is now my stalker. He is the one that gets my PTSD going full force. I have slowly worked on it and it's better. I realize that if I hear that he is looking for me (which he continues to do to this day) I do not freak out and freeze. Now if I am closer to where he lives that is a different story but I try to control those times.
I was told once that our minds will not give us more than we can handle and as I work on myself more things will come to me. Well now comes the other PTSD. I hate it so much. I hate the frozen moment as the flashback comes and just stays stuck there. I am going to finish that flashback and do what I did with the other but it's rough at times.
I thank God that he has given me good friends that support me and are they as I go down this path.
If you read this much........wow, thank you. :)
