I Am Depressed

some days I'm happy, most days I'm sad, every day has sad moments! Nothing bad happens, I just often find myself lying there hating myself, my life and just the person I am! I'm not mean to anyone, I have no reason to feel this way, it's just an constant feeling in my life! Often At times, I'll think of death, the joy that day will have. Don't get me wrong, the suicidal thoughts are super rare now (they were common two years ago), but death is not something I fear! I sometimes get urges to relapse and start self harming again, but I am able to fight off the urge thank goodness! I'm in counseling now... not for my issues I just named, but my parents thought it would be good to talk about anger I have built up inside. I am constantly worrying about my future, if I will ever find someone who loves me, but then I ask myself how can I love someone else when I can't even love myself! I just hate myself and life honestly!