I thonk I might be doing worse than I thought I was

I feel like I'm generally holding up, but all the energy I had a month ago has by now fully gone, and my thoughts drift into depression more frequently. I feel lost and alone, and like there's a glass wall between myself and everyone else. Part of me wants to die, another part of me is zooming all the time (that sounds like drugs but it's not), and part of me just wants to focus on Warhammer but can't. I want to be normal and fit in, but there's something wrong with me that drives people away. Why can't everything just stop forever