I don't want to get better

If I wake up less depressed or less sad than the day before, I give myself a figurative slap across the face and tell myself ''no, you shouldn't feel any happiness. You should be miserable and sad and not have an ounce of positivity in you''. I feel like it's my character and I need to stay in character. I shouldn't be happy because I don't deserve it. I should be a failure, should have a bad relationship with everyone, everyone should hate me and leave me and I should remain in torment for the rest of my life