I don't want to get better

If I wake up less depressed or less sad than the day before, I give myself a figurative slap across the face and tell myself ''no, you shouldn't feel any happiness. You should be miserable and sad and not have an ounce of positivity in you''. I feel like it's my character and I need to stay in character. I shouldn't be happy because I don't deserve it. I should be a failure, should have a bad relationship with everyone, everyone should hate me and leave me and I should remain in torment for the rest of my life

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basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

Question:

Would you treat someone else the way you are treating yourself?

nothereforpeople · F

@basilfawlty89 No, I'm way too harsh on myself. I'm way too mean to myself. I'm aware of that but sometimes it's difficult for me to get past it and be better to myself because I feel like I don't deserve it.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@nothereforpeople then you know you need to stop doing that to yourself. You're a huma being with thoughts and feelings. You deserve the same rights and quality of life as anyone else.

nothereforpeople · F

@basilfawlty89 I know you're right but I just refuse to do that

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@nothereforpeople have you spoken to a therapist before?

nothereforpeople · F

@basilfawlty89 No. I can't
But I know they'll either say I have to force myself to changr or take medicine and I really want to do neither. I know that in order to get put of this state, I need to just force myself to do the things I don't want to do, grow up, be ' a man' and also work through my childhood stuff and my relationship with my family
I've tried all of this before but now I got to point where sabotaging every good thing in my life seems easier and well deserved. I don't want to go on antidepressants