hopeless. please help me
walls of text incoming
ive been struggling with severe social anxiety, and as the years go by, its getting worse and worse. more and more responsibilities and heavier tasks which requires good networking and socializing are handed onto me. youre supposed to know more people whether you like it or not as you age, because you are going to work with them, and its crucial, but its the most difficult thing for me. no, im not a person who dislikes socializing and embraces being an introvert. the "i hate people" mindset does not go well with me. i like being honest with myself instead. truth is, its tormenting me.
i was once a bright, social person. not really an extrovert, but probably an ambivert, somewhere in the middle of the social scale. it was so easy to socialize with others, probably because i was so young and carefree. i believe my brain has a different chemistry and is made up of different components unlike other people. when i got a little older people around me already consumed medias and gained knowledge of things i did not know about, that point where your brain reaches a level of conciousness, when youre aware of what is going on around you (as a kid, a "big kid" to be put simply). im more of a late bloomer, it took me longer to reach others' level. when others are old enough to understand life skills, say, sweeping the floor, im still bathed by my parents (i was around six at the time, most southeast asian childrens are taught to do chores at a young age). when my friends are able to recite a prayer (im a christian), i still had to practice and flip through pages continuously when its my turn to lead a prayer. i am extremely tardy in terms of "human-ing", i have no idea why. my academic skill is way faster than my human skills.
fast forward years later, im getting left behind (analogy: my peers are sprinting, meanwhile im walking, really, really slowly while observing nature). i was treated as if i was an innocent child, but was expected to stand up for myself. this is going to impact me later in life, its confusing. connecting with others is getting difficult for me. trying to join a conversation were a struggle. i have no idea what others are talking about. each time i tried to ask, i would get pushed away and labeled as "too kind, sweet, and innocent to learn about this topic". i was THE baby, the lowly infant. probably because of how slow i am. its incredibly dehumanizing. im sick of being seen as a glass who could break down and shatter easily, that must be protected at all costs. this makes every interaction feels forced and not enjoyable.
ive also been told to surpress my abilities and intelligence when im around those who are struggling with them. i communicate both in my native language and english with my family for as long as i remember. it comes naturally. my school english teacher wasnt able to speak english properly. she taught my classmates with that skill level. this is stupid, but i tried to convince and teach others the correct way. i recieved a bad score because the sentences we wrote does not fit her standards, they were grammatically correct, but what could you do if she was so shallow, overly confident, and close-minded? since then, i read letters and sentences in the accent of my native language. i started to play dumb to please somebody. i mimicked her flawlessly and got a better score in return. i still remember clearly when my mother complained to her, but she did not give a damn. i was so discouraged that my mom had to give me an analogy: "you are right here, (raises left hand) and your teacher is right here (places right hand under left hand)." ive also been told not to speak, or explain in english when im around those who are not fluent, because apparently it was not very nice of me to "show off", it could "demotivate" others because a CHILD could speak english better than them. same goes with my artistic ability. i had to throw them away when i needed to, like having a double identity.
i was the brightest, biggest star (not to brag), the typical golden child. but i was told to become surpress that blinding light i have over the years. but when i truly needed that shine, its hard to reach the level that i once was, like a flickering lamp, because ive been holding it in for way too long. i still have my talents with me, its just difficult to be light and lively and confident like before.
this year, i had a plan to revamp my whole personality, to be a better individual, but it was harder than i thought. i did not go well. each time i try to open up a conversation, my mind goes numb, my head hurts, my throat aches, words are stuck in my mind, something is clearly preventing me from vomiting all the speeches i prepared in my brain. im forcing myself to be social. i dont know how to act. i overthink everything. im constantly anxious and terrified. even a simple "hi" back from other people is like a huge accomplishment that sends that wave of warmth in my heart and a glowy message in my mind saying, "you are amazing!", and "congratulations!" because of how severe my anxiety is. its like winning the olympics. its unnatural. im unnatural. i cant hold a conversation. i am aware i could be offputting sometimes because of how aimless and slow i am. i want to connect, to feel, easily. i dont want others to talk down on me and simplify, i want to be seen and interacted with at the same level. i was scary weird, but i improved. i became nicer and happier, but there is still a hole inside my heart. im trying way too hard to look approachable and attractive personality-wise. its tiring. geniunely tiring, like a physical excercise.
a horrible, horrible trait of mine is that i project my negativity to others, all these worries and sadness in me. a person i know is heavily disliked and excluded from our community. she is a freak, harsh, rude, and her way of thinking puzzles me. she speaks to me as if i was an idiot, she does this with pretty much everyone, a valid reason to be disliked. her energy is also very negative and strong, interacting with her drains me, and i carry it with me throughout the day. she geniunely hates people. i somehow see myself in her, how off putting and weird i am. she is like that side of me long forgotten, that ive been trying to run away from miserably, but ten million times worse, personified. i swore to not become like her. i talked behind her back and mocked her secretly with others. but lately, ive started to feel that im slowly becoming her—you are what you hate. i hate her because of how much she reminds me of myself. im not very sociable, but not exactly a loner like her. she seems to feel satisfied in that solitude, embracing the fact that she is unlikable, meanwhile im slowly going crazy over the lack of human interaction. im not even close with others, most of the time people forgot that i exist. i could say hi, and they would just stare emptily. did they hear me? i start worrying then. everything became awkward. i could sit with some people, but all went quiet as i sat. what did i do? do they not want my presence? what am i to them? all of those bitter memories formed a flight response, engraved in my mind. it kept replaying over and over like, "remember when you tried to say this, and nobody responded? that was such a stupid, useless act," it hurts so much, i dont hate them, but i keep blaming myself for not being a sociable person and not having the same interest for others. i envy those who could make friends easily. i envy those who could hold conversations.
ive been feeling so demotivated in life, like a single cell organism floating around in a void, just breathing and existing. at my lowest point right now. i feel like a horrible person. screw my social anxiety and screw my inability to socialize like a human. am i even a person?
i have so much more stashed in the depths of my mind, but its hard to communicate properly. at this point im bored and tired of venting. i hope i dont cringe or make fun of myself reading this. it hurts. i hate it when i make fun of myself.
to my friends:
im sorry. im so sorry. i wish i could hug all of you and cry because ive grown distant, but believe me, i really love you. i love all of you. i have wronged you some times, but its too difficult to apologize. im sorry. i might be a burden because of how slow i am. i am mentally a child. please forgive me.
sorry for ruining the vibe. i cant speak properly. im awkward. im sorry.
if i see you and i dont greet you, believe me, im so scared of being ignored.
if you sit next to me and i didnt talk, im terrified.
if i answer shortly, i dont know what to answer.
i really love you
ive been struggling with severe social anxiety, and as the years go by, its getting worse and worse. more and more responsibilities and heavier tasks which requires good networking and socializing are handed onto me. youre supposed to know more people whether you like it or not as you age, because you are going to work with them, and its crucial, but its the most difficult thing for me. no, im not a person who dislikes socializing and embraces being an introvert. the "i hate people" mindset does not go well with me. i like being honest with myself instead. truth is, its tormenting me.
i was once a bright, social person. not really an extrovert, but probably an ambivert, somewhere in the middle of the social scale. it was so easy to socialize with others, probably because i was so young and carefree. i believe my brain has a different chemistry and is made up of different components unlike other people. when i got a little older people around me already consumed medias and gained knowledge of things i did not know about, that point where your brain reaches a level of conciousness, when youre aware of what is going on around you (as a kid, a "big kid" to be put simply). im more of a late bloomer, it took me longer to reach others' level. when others are old enough to understand life skills, say, sweeping the floor, im still bathed by my parents (i was around six at the time, most southeast asian childrens are taught to do chores at a young age). when my friends are able to recite a prayer (im a christian), i still had to practice and flip through pages continuously when its my turn to lead a prayer. i am extremely tardy in terms of "human-ing", i have no idea why. my academic skill is way faster than my human skills.
fast forward years later, im getting left behind (analogy: my peers are sprinting, meanwhile im walking, really, really slowly while observing nature). i was treated as if i was an innocent child, but was expected to stand up for myself. this is going to impact me later in life, its confusing. connecting with others is getting difficult for me. trying to join a conversation were a struggle. i have no idea what others are talking about. each time i tried to ask, i would get pushed away and labeled as "too kind, sweet, and innocent to learn about this topic". i was THE baby, the lowly infant. probably because of how slow i am. its incredibly dehumanizing. im sick of being seen as a glass who could break down and shatter easily, that must be protected at all costs. this makes every interaction feels forced and not enjoyable.
ive also been told to surpress my abilities and intelligence when im around those who are struggling with them. i communicate both in my native language and english with my family for as long as i remember. it comes naturally. my school english teacher wasnt able to speak english properly. she taught my classmates with that skill level. this is stupid, but i tried to convince and teach others the correct way. i recieved a bad score because the sentences we wrote does not fit her standards, they were grammatically correct, but what could you do if she was so shallow, overly confident, and close-minded? since then, i read letters and sentences in the accent of my native language. i started to play dumb to please somebody. i mimicked her flawlessly and got a better score in return. i still remember clearly when my mother complained to her, but she did not give a damn. i was so discouraged that my mom had to give me an analogy: "you are right here, (raises left hand) and your teacher is right here (places right hand under left hand)." ive also been told not to speak, or explain in english when im around those who are not fluent, because apparently it was not very nice of me to "show off", it could "demotivate" others because a CHILD could speak english better than them. same goes with my artistic ability. i had to throw them away when i needed to, like having a double identity.
i was the brightest, biggest star (not to brag), the typical golden child. but i was told to become surpress that blinding light i have over the years. but when i truly needed that shine, its hard to reach the level that i once was, like a flickering lamp, because ive been holding it in for way too long. i still have my talents with me, its just difficult to be light and lively and confident like before.
this year, i had a plan to revamp my whole personality, to be a better individual, but it was harder than i thought. i did not go well. each time i try to open up a conversation, my mind goes numb, my head hurts, my throat aches, words are stuck in my mind, something is clearly preventing me from vomiting all the speeches i prepared in my brain. im forcing myself to be social. i dont know how to act. i overthink everything. im constantly anxious and terrified. even a simple "hi" back from other people is like a huge accomplishment that sends that wave of warmth in my heart and a glowy message in my mind saying, "you are amazing!", and "congratulations!" because of how severe my anxiety is. its like winning the olympics. its unnatural. im unnatural. i cant hold a conversation. i am aware i could be offputting sometimes because of how aimless and slow i am. i want to connect, to feel, easily. i dont want others to talk down on me and simplify, i want to be seen and interacted with at the same level. i was scary weird, but i improved. i became nicer and happier, but there is still a hole inside my heart. im trying way too hard to look approachable and attractive personality-wise. its tiring. geniunely tiring, like a physical excercise.
a horrible, horrible trait of mine is that i project my negativity to others, all these worries and sadness in me. a person i know is heavily disliked and excluded from our community. she is a freak, harsh, rude, and her way of thinking puzzles me. she speaks to me as if i was an idiot, she does this with pretty much everyone, a valid reason to be disliked. her energy is also very negative and strong, interacting with her drains me, and i carry it with me throughout the day. she geniunely hates people. i somehow see myself in her, how off putting and weird i am. she is like that side of me long forgotten, that ive been trying to run away from miserably, but ten million times worse, personified. i swore to not become like her. i talked behind her back and mocked her secretly with others. but lately, ive started to feel that im slowly becoming her—you are what you hate. i hate her because of how much she reminds me of myself. im not very sociable, but not exactly a loner like her. she seems to feel satisfied in that solitude, embracing the fact that she is unlikable, meanwhile im slowly going crazy over the lack of human interaction. im not even close with others, most of the time people forgot that i exist. i could say hi, and they would just stare emptily. did they hear me? i start worrying then. everything became awkward. i could sit with some people, but all went quiet as i sat. what did i do? do they not want my presence? what am i to them? all of those bitter memories formed a flight response, engraved in my mind. it kept replaying over and over like, "remember when you tried to say this, and nobody responded? that was such a stupid, useless act," it hurts so much, i dont hate them, but i keep blaming myself for not being a sociable person and not having the same interest for others. i envy those who could make friends easily. i envy those who could hold conversations.
ive been feeling so demotivated in life, like a single cell organism floating around in a void, just breathing and existing. at my lowest point right now. i feel like a horrible person. screw my social anxiety and screw my inability to socialize like a human. am i even a person?
i have so much more stashed in the depths of my mind, but its hard to communicate properly. at this point im bored and tired of venting. i hope i dont cringe or make fun of myself reading this. it hurts. i hate it when i make fun of myself.
to my friends:
im sorry. im so sorry. i wish i could hug all of you and cry because ive grown distant, but believe me, i really love you. i love all of you. i have wronged you some times, but its too difficult to apologize. im sorry. i might be a burden because of how slow i am. i am mentally a child. please forgive me.
sorry for ruining the vibe. i cant speak properly. im awkward. im sorry.
if i see you and i dont greet you, believe me, im so scared of being ignored.
if you sit next to me and i didnt talk, im terrified.
if i answer shortly, i dont know what to answer.
i really love you
