I Battle Depression

i m back to thinking about work and past problems at work and etc. too much again. i have comforted a frd not to think about work too much before, but these days with more work problems arising i feel stupid and get worried. i m not good enough but past experiences of unfairness at workplaces has demotivated me from wanting to do well. frds told me everyone including them faced these problems every day too, and not to think about the unpleasant past.

i had a quarrel with my mother around 3 weeks ago and with her numerous insulting messages that followed on the 2 days after, i decided to block her from my life - all contacts possible including phone number and messaging apps. i had learned from past experiences to stay away from people who had different values from mine and hurt harmed me, this time it s turn for my mother.

i bought air tickets and booked a hotel to travel alone at the end of this month. some people asked whom i would go to travel with.

this morning i went to a guided tour at a local historic building in my city, again alone. i wish my frds could join but they weren't interested or free. in the afternoon i joined the joint churches early christmas carol. i was with people but i felt alone. i felt bored but i don't want to talk to strangers. coming up with topics to chat is hard. at night a best frd of mine went to opera with me. first time seeing an opera, was quite a good local production but was still a bit boring due to the simplicity of the outdated story board.

i am having serious running nose due to heavy cold or allergy, i cannot differetiate them. the weather is alternatively cold and hot every several days these months. Abnormal climate change is getting unbearble. feeling weak adds to the bad mood.

i m still in search of the meaning of my existence and the passion to live.