TW: depressing

I don't know how to phrase this, so I will say it how it is.
I don't want to exist. In an ideal world, I wouldn't exist. I'm fine that way, I just wish we were in that ideal world.
I don't really feel my emotions anymore; I just assume I should feel this way and I only ever really feel wanting to not be here.
I joke that I will get hit by a truck and that I want to go do risky things like skydiving and going to unsafe places, but I want to do that so that maybe I will either feel better, or I will be dead.
To sum it up, I don't want to exist and that is the only thing I am certain of.