Having a bad day. Suicidal.

The stresses and pressures of buying a new home are getting to me.

I saw this how I loved a few days ago, it was perfect. But negotiations with the seller fell through.

I’m really angry and upset. I’ve lashed out at everyone today. Went to the gym for an hour, it didn’t help my depression.

I just wonder why I even try anymore. All my friendships end badly. Every relationship I have been in ends badly. I’m very lonely and it feels like my life constantly follows this pattern of getting something and then it eventually goes away in the end. Last weekend I went on a date with a guy I really liked and it was a huge letdown.

I’m also really ashamed of myself for breaking my sobriety last month. I was sober for a year and I broke it. I don’t drink everyday but I am drinking more and more to cope with the loneliness and depression.

I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts since last Summer and I feel very suicidal today. I’ve thought about buying a gun and shooting myself the day after Christmas. It got as far as me driving to a gunsmith a few weeks ago.

Right now I’m downing vodka at a bar in a lame attempt to numb the emotional pain.