Nothing feels right. [I Often Feel Depressed]
I should be happy that I am still alive instead of dwelling on the fact that I’m not far from age 40...But I keep thinking of all the things I haven’t done with my life. I have no siblings, so my mother expected grandchildren from me. I’ve got a lot of hang ups that I’ve never been able to get over. I’m also not married, and don’t really see the point, especially at this age.
There are also things I haven’t done as far as career wise, and it’s not that I’ve given up, but I let the years get away from me as I tried to dig myself out of a rut. That rut drowned me. I’m still drowning. It feels like I’ll never get out in time to actually do something with my life and be genuinely happy. I’m not happy, but it’s so hard to keep going without breaking down.
Loneliness hits me a lot. I tend to wonder if my friends actually care. My boyfriend tells me I don’t contact them enough. Not true. I talk to people everyday, but they aren’t always available to talk very long, or they can’t hang out for some reason or another. They have their own obligations, and I understand. A lot of them have families to take care of. It depresses me that family is normally the reason why people lose touch with friends...when it could be so much different. I tell my friends with kids all the time that they can bring their kids over to play games and swim in the pool. It rarely ever happens. For some, it never does. Some people aren’t much for keeping plans. Can’t say I don’t make an effort to keep friends around. After all, I’m probably going to die old and alone.
Yes, I have those sad thoughts and more. The list goes on, and I can’t help how I feel.
There are also things I haven’t done as far as career wise, and it’s not that I’ve given up, but I let the years get away from me as I tried to dig myself out of a rut. That rut drowned me. I’m still drowning. It feels like I’ll never get out in time to actually do something with my life and be genuinely happy. I’m not happy, but it’s so hard to keep going without breaking down.
Loneliness hits me a lot. I tend to wonder if my friends actually care. My boyfriend tells me I don’t contact them enough. Not true. I talk to people everyday, but they aren’t always available to talk very long, or they can’t hang out for some reason or another. They have their own obligations, and I understand. A lot of them have families to take care of. It depresses me that family is normally the reason why people lose touch with friends...when it could be so much different. I tell my friends with kids all the time that they can bring their kids over to play games and swim in the pool. It rarely ever happens. For some, it never does. Some people aren’t much for keeping plans. Can’t say I don’t make an effort to keep friends around. After all, I’m probably going to die old and alone.
Yes, I have those sad thoughts and more. The list goes on, and I can’t help how I feel.
41-45, F
