I Am Depressed

I know, things could be so much worse. I'm self employed and lost two customers which relied on the entertainment and restaurant industries. Yet, with government's Covid emergency help I still can pay my bills so far. It's just the day-to-day dullness that's getting on my nerves...

Before Covid I felt that my life had no purpose. So now, even less so. My remaining customers still need me to do some work for them now and then, a few hours per week, and they have no idea how HAPPY I get when they need something from me. I feel worthy, useful. Otherwise I just linger. I have all this time on my hands. Wish I could do volunteer work I but should stay in isolation instead. The highlights of the day are cooking (which I rather hate) and doing dishes (same).

Then there's the weekly going-out-to-do-groceries... Weekly laundry too... I know, I know. I'm whining for no real reason. So many people are in such worse situations... out of work, bankrupt, sick with Covid, etc.

So I'm just venting about my void of emptiness. Life seemed pretty pointless and hopeless before Covid, so now it's much more so...

I'm tired of watching YouTube videos, I'm tiring of listening to music, I'm tiring of sleeping.

I've read the whole history of Japan in the Wikipedia (because, why not?). I've also learned many things watching documentaries and stuff in YouTube. Then I realize the pointlessness of knowledge when it can't be shared. Because nobody cares. And there's no "anybody" to share it with anyways.

Sorry guys, I know this is pretty stupid. People are dying in wars, dying in jails, tortured, dying in hospitals and homes. And here I am complaining that I have "no purpose in life". Sucks to be me, I know.