I Battle Depression

Internet friends? LOL Do I? Rarely chat with people online. That's why I come here! Even so, hardly the same as having physical company to get the fuck out of this house and do something on such nice days!! I have several hobby projects started, but it all just gets old & I'm not feeling inspired to finish any of them. Damn Tv is on all the time lol Sick of watching tv. Not a reader. So yes, I am blessed I can dress myself, cook etc. Nope not bed ridden. Someone always has it so much worse. Hiking is what I'd love to be doing, but well lol not with this broken ankle.
Had a camping trip planned in a couple of weeks. Had already mad reservations for a cabin, but now that looks like it is going to get cancelled for reasons beyond my control. At least THAT gave me something to look forward to. I also was hoping my other apartment would be ready, but now I'm told fuckin spring. So, nope don't have that to look forward to now either. I'd even like to be sitting at Brenda's mothers yardsale out in the country, but ya think she THINKS to ask if I would like to come out??? Nope. For someone who knows me so well, you'd think she would. Whatever. Just another day of nothing, but the same old shit. Anyway, enjoy your hike and ty for taking the time for your encouraging words.

@Wolfdancer You are so low. How may I help? TELL the people you are friends with to take you with them. Loudly. You MUST change your mindset or your tires shall only spin and throw mud around. Sometimes you need to dig yourself out of the mud. No other choice. People see your anger and sadness. You must find solutions. They are busy. Choose to make your life sing,

Tell what friends to take me with them? LOL There isn't anybody. Brenda's the one. And she hasn't even made conversation with me in a week. I've had more conversation right here with total strangers. Anger? Who sees what anger? I don't see anyone lmao I'm right here at home! I've not been angry towards anyone in any form. Nor have I shown anyone any sadness. That's funny, because there is no one to show any emotion to and that is pretty much my point. Just leave me here & forget about me. That's cool. More flags is all. Yep be busy. People make time for who they want to make time for.
My neighbor, who has been w/o a vehicle came over this morning for coffee. She sat and watched the birds, had small convo, and bless her heart she washed both the inside & outside of my picture window, watered all my outside plants on the porch and filled my bird feeder for me. That was the highlight of my day. I didn't even have to ask. I so appreciated that & I'm the type of person who lets others know they are appreciated. I've been "lower". Grateful I'm not there.
This is an example of why I don't invest much of myself in others. It's all good. Don't bother yourself with me. Oh btw, had a great undisturbed 3 hour nap today! Yayyyyy Me!

@Wolfdancer Your words lie. It is not good. To feel the way you do. To be so upset. You can change how you feel. Your ankle is not permanently injured. You have relatively good health. You need to get outside in the fresh air and sunshine more. Sit in a chair outside. Make it a daily habit. The sun will make you feel better. Journal. Vent it out. Keeping such anger and despair in will only hurt you. Your neighbour is kind. Invite her over for tea or cold drinks and conversation. Be more friendly. If you give others company that is sweet and not filled with complaints, you will be welcome near them. You get what you give, my friend. Try that. You think so negatively. I know it is severe. But it could be worse and you know that. If you keep thinking this way, what happens? Nothing positive. You just sink lower, lower. Please try to spin this another way. You are a fine person. I remember when we first met here. On that relationship posting. I know you can do this. I have faith in you. Do you have it in yourself? Light and love.

@PoetryNEmotion My Words lie? I don't follow that at all. I realize my ankle is not a permanent injury. It still took away my entire summer, which is how I rejuvenate my sanity, my soul, to cleans myself through the summer, from all that winter shit I HATE. I didn't get that this summer. I had to sit here and if you've never had a damn broken foot or leg, and barely anyone to help you out, then you have no damn idea how I've been feeling.The whole getting outside thing, well, you don't know my situation on a day to day basis . It's too much work to hobble with crutches, safely, to take what I need with me, to get the dogs out...all that on my own, so I watch the world from my picture window pass me by. I actually DON'T keep in my frustrations (anger???) or feelings of despair, after all I am writing them HERE!!!! LMAO! I will never write anything in a journal again for anyone who knows me to read. Never. That is why I come here, again. Yes, my neighbor is kind, I DO invite her for coffee!!! But she's only coming over, just recently, because she is now without transportation & has nothing else to do. When she gets her truck running again, she'll be back to having her busy life like everybody else. I know that. I've expressed my appreciation and told her I've enjoyed her help and her company. So, yes, I feel like shit some days and yes I come here and vent, but seems you assume so much more about me that you don't even know. We've barely ever talked on a one on one basis, so really you have no idea the kind of person I am.
Generally, I am a pretty upbeat person, or I just keep a lot of stuff to myself, because basically, no one else really gives a hoot, but here you've said how I'm angry with other people, when I've not spoke one cross word with anybody at all. Very puzzling how you've painted me. Gee, maybe I can't vent here either. Perception...everyone's perceptions are so so different.

@Wolfdancer When you say "it is all good". It is clearly not. That is a lie. That sentence.

@Wolfdancer You are so angry. Upset. Sad. I am saying my opinions. I do not think you want to be helped. Go ahead and let it out. I once spent an entire summer when I could barely stand let alone walk. I will never forget how helpless I felt. I am sorry that you take what I say so incorrectly. I think I will stop talking. Your ears are angry too. I cannot help you. I will remind you I am a professional and I have closely worked with many injured people in various stages of healing or dying. I live with a man who struggles daily, physically and emotionally. So I have some idea of hardship and struggle. Your situation is only temporary. It is not permanent. And another summer will come again. I am sorry yours is so rotten. Good evening, WolfDancer. Do take good care.

Btw, I have tried to make plans with people. I DO invite people over, but guess what???? They are BUSY lmfao! My Daughter wanted to make some extra money, and asked me if I knew of anyone she could clean house for. I said YES ME!!! I will pay you!!! My walls need a good washing! Bathroom, kitchen and then livingroom. She wanted to be able to bring her 4 yr old. I said no, because we will never get anything done & I can not be up and down with this ankle. If you were going to work, what would you be doing with him? She said, then I have to leave by 8. I said perfect, I'm always up early! Well, she never showed up this morning and hasn't even said a damn word to me all day!
I was looking forward to spending alone time with her, and doing something together, as I could have washed the nick nacks while she washed the walls and we could have had much needed convo. But see, this is how people are. Whatever, she couldn't have needed the extra money that bad then hu? I'm all good.

@Wolfdancer So you wish me to keep talking? Very well. Perhaps your daughter is ungrateful. Perhaps your depression and attitude SCARES people away. Who wants to be around that negativity? It is like a mudslide. You are so not all good. How can you make friends when you are SO unfriendly? When will you stop this? Only you can, you know!

@PoetryNEmotion If you spent an entire summer where you could barely stand, let alone walk, then share THAT experience with me and HOW that made YOU feel! Instead of telling me what I am. If you're a Professional, then that isn't being demonstrated the way I would imagine a professional person would express themselves. Especially if you deal with similar situations. How funny. I'm much better than you assume me to be. Yes, I am all good. Thank You.
Yes, helpless and frustrated (angry is a whole different emotion) that I have to ask for extra help when people already got stuff of their own. Frustrated that my kids, can't stop in and ASK me if I need anything, but they're always taking from me. Like my daughter wanting to make extra money, K come clean here. Lord knows I need some extra help and I'll PAY YOU. Then what? Doesn't even show up lmao, I actually figured she wouldn't because it was her day off and she hates mornings. Then she shouldn't have said she'd do it and then not show up. Like everything else...it will wait until I can just do it my damn self. Saved myself some money anyway lmao!

@PoetryNEmotion You are becoming comical. I am not unfriendly to people in the least! Not sure where you come up with that accusation. I am not the Debbie downer, here in my real world, that you seem to insist I am. People here that do see me, don't see the depressed person. I don't complain to these people whine to them, nor get angry with them. But apparently you are not READING me, when I say, this is why I come HERE, to vent what I feel and think, so that those around me don't get snapped at over my own frustrations. I laugh, I joke, I've been told I'm handling my situation a lot better than expected, coming from people who KNOW what Summer time means to me! I think it would be beneficial for you to go back and read all the way through my posts because I think you have missed a lot. Let me clarify that in spite of my depression, I am a humble and very grateful person. Some things are beyond my immediate control and life is forever changing. And yes, lol I AM all good. Thanks.

@Wolfdancer You drive people away. Do you just want pity here? Or do you want to feel better? Do you want to wallow? Or stand up? You tell me, girl. Why would it help you to know the particulars of my one summer when I could hardly move? I do not dwell in the past. It is not healthy. And as for being a professional, I see you clearly. You need a counselor to talk to. You could rant and rave. And cry. But you would have to pay someone to do that. And you cannot. You set limits upon your children. No one LIKES to ask for help. I never did either. Yet now I know when it is healthy to. Even here on SW. When you decide to change your mindset, do let me know. Then maybe I will listen to you again. You may be your own worse enemy, friend. Bye for now.

You are funny. Clearly know nothing about me but your own judgements. I don't need a professional in the least. But thanks. And how do YOU know whether or not I could pay for a therapist? That's some pretty strong assumptions right there! Which is pretty much all ya got, because lady, you don't have a clue who I am.
In my life experiences, when others are feeling down and venting, I have learned not to direct or tell them what they OUGHT TO DO, SHOULD DO, HOW THEY SHOULD FEEL, ETC....Rather I share my personal experience with them and how I got through that. I never advise anyone. If you were a professional you should know that, rather than passing judgements on me of who YOU think I am. Frankly, you're opinion of me doesn't matter. I drive people away hahahaha! Please tell me how you can conclude that when you are not apart of my life? I am my own best friend, is what I am. Not my worst enemy but thank you just the same.