I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday

I don't know how it started, I just know that I'm here now, and it feels like it's too late.
I remember in high school is when things got really bad, I was lonely and lost, inflicting self-harm, and lost in a world of suicidal thoughts and actions. I was left untreated for years before I finally was forced to get help after being put in the mental ward. After I graduated, I was sure these feelings would go away. I thought I felt better for awhile, but it seems that was just a period of mild mania. I'm about to start my second year of college, and all the same thoughts have begun to resurface. I don't know where I am, who I am, or who I should be. I've lost nearly all of my friends from back home, and I haven't made any new ones since I got here. All of the people that I think care about me end up throwing me away, like I'm useless and unimportant. I'm clinging on to fewer and fewer reasons to keep myself alive.

.............................

I hate when people use the word depression so freely as if it's a common emotion, like anger or happiness. Depression is a lifestyle, and it never goes away. No matter how much better and more positive you begin to feel, depression will be there, watching you from a distance, waiting for the perfect opportunity to sneak back into your life again.

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taffy1 · 70-79, M

I find myself in a similar situation and truly understand what you're saying. I am much the same on the real edge at this moment just don't want to go on feel sick with it all

SW-User

Why are you depressed? What set you off in the first place? If you don't mind me asking...I've been where you are, and am fighting with it to this very day.

gemimaia · 26-30, F

@SW-User I've been depressed so long that I don't even remember what started it. I didn't have a traumatic event or anything. I just know that eventually got to a point somehow where I was changing. I wasn't interested in anything anymore, I was spending most of the day sleeping, and I felt like I couldn't rely on anyone that could help me. To make myself feel better I would steal my dad's medicine out of the cabinet and mix it with whatever else was in there. (around 100 pills at a time)I would swallow them all at once, and the next day I would feel faint and horribly sick, but I kept doing it anyway because it made me feel something other than numb. I did this until my dad found out what I was doing. Then I turned to cutting. ( I still have a lot of scars left). My mom found out that I was cutting, so I started hanging out with a few people who I could smoke and drink with, again to be able feel something other than the numbing sadness. But then once while I was smoking (turns out it was laced) I completely broke down and threatened to run into traffic. Police were called, and I got put in the mental hospital. After that, I felt better for a while but then relapsed and gave myself a lot of deep cuts after someone broke my heart. Since then, I haven't cut myself, but for a little while I was abusing pain medication left over from my surgery.
That was about a year ago though, and I haven't hurt myself since.
But lately I've been feeling the need to put myself on edge like that again.

SW-User

@gemimaia I gotcha 🤔

Ummm, would you like to talk to me privately? The more I get to know you personally the better chance of me being able to see what's going on with you, and why this happens.

I'm a very intuitive/observant individual and can sense how people are and what insecurities or weaknesses they have.

If you don't mind of course!

english · 56-60, M

hey Gemi , well you made a stand here right, so buddy stay social pm me any time, about anything. meet me half way terry

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