I Battle Depression

I don't really know where to begin I can remember the darkness that engulfed me well. The feeling that I could no longer carry on that people would be better off if I wasn't here and that I wouldn't be missed the feelings of failure overwhelmed me I was disgusted with myself everything is falling apart everything is going wrong I can't get anything right. What is wrong with me I can't concentrate I am barley functioning even the easiest of tasks have become so difficult to do. I have no energy no enthusiasm and really no reason to live anymore. Im tired all the time and ive lost the will to fight as I have spent the last 15 years fighting for one thing or another. I can see any end to the misery that is my life. I yearn for it all to end and for my pain to leave me in peace. I'm tired of living a lie and hiding myself from the world, fearing that all eyes are on me and there judging me. I have been unable to verbalise my thoughts, my fears, my pain, anything for that matter. Just a never ending record player of negativity torturing my mind.The mask I wore was a facade. I could never allow anyone to see my weakness, to feel sorry for me or add fuel to the gossipers. To be so fake in such a real environment, to pretend all was right with my world when it had crumbled to the ground.Totally engrossed in myself, I have become a person I so dispise. I can barely function and be the selfless, caring and empathitic person I once was. I no longer recognise who I was anymore. I just hope with the help of my GP and my meds and my recent referral for counciling it will help me on my journey to recovery. I know I've a long way to go before I feel anything like normal. I so long for the day that I conquer my demons and become the person I once was.

No science I am aware of, but I've personally noticed a person's body goes through cycles and I believe a contributing factor is the chemical make up that goes on in the brain. Thankfully my depression isn't so desperate that I can't recognize it going on and can ride it out. Plenty of outside factors can bring some things on still of course, heartache, loss, stress... but eventually what ever chemical thing going on will eventually start to even its self out. Hopefully the okay cycle doesn't get to manic either, lot of fun, but can be even more destructive.

@Pinkpvc I am sorry to hear your story. I am now at a time of the few days when I am wide-awake having a clear mind and think I can give an objective review to (my) frequent mood swing. I realise one of the ultimate ways to happiness is acceptanace to things you have no control of, which is an important way to stop looking for unnecessary trouble and worries.

#everydayistruggle